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Comment by Crystal M. Czar on November 8, 2012 at 10:15pm

I think we are already going through the worse possible pain in our lives.  What can life hand us that can cause as much pain.  Nothing in my life even slightly compares to lossing my son.  I think we are the strongest warriors, just to be able to make it each and everyday. Here we are writing to eachother, reaching out for support how brave are we.  

Comment by Sophia on November 8, 2012 at 9:23am

Now that I think about it I realize that I shouldn't be this surprised & therefore so hurt. I've always avoided confrontation with her in the past because I've witnessed how she is with others. I just assumed that with such a devastating thing - the death of my child - would allow me to grieve and go through the changes associated with this. I was wrong and now I know, no matter what the circumstances, I cannot be myself or count on anyone.  It hurts and as you said Grace it has forced me to re-evaluate not just my friends and family but also myself and my choices in friends and choices in general. This is all so surreal. My life is changed in such a dramatic way forever and no-one besides those of us who have, so unfortunately, experienced the loss of a child can understand. All of us here on this site understand each other but beside the grief counselor I went to see briefly no-one else does. It is life altering to the extreme. I feel fortunate to have my witts about me at all, I may not have many friends but I have my other children. I'm so sad & hurt but life must go on.

Thanks agian everyone. Wish you all the best.

Comment by Grace on November 8, 2012 at 5:50am

In the past 3 1/2 years.... I have re evaluated who my friends really are.  And in Many cases who my real FAMILY is..... My family has really disappointed me and have been totally absent from my grief.   Many times down right hateful.   Many of my friends have been there but I can feel that they do distance themselves from talking too much about grief..... My husband and I have been through a lot of changes in our relationship.  My other kids are there but leaving the nest.  It is just a very difficult time in all of our lives.   yet.... it is a time when you re-evaluate if these people are really valuable to you.... ,maybe you realise that they really do not have such unconditional love for you afterall.... you start looking at the value system they have.... moral fiber.... and maybe now we find out what they are really truely all about..... and whether we have been disallusioned all the while about our need for a relationship with them.  MAYBE IT IS A TIME WHEN WE FEEL SO SMALL IN THIS UNIVERSE....  good luck Sophia,  I hope that you do find a place of your own...... it will be a gift in the long run.... and it may lead you to peace instead of this addition turmoil that is not worth it.  especially at this time in your life....

Comment by Sophia on November 7, 2012 at 9:47pm

Our sadness & the effect our children's death has on us IS our love for them now. I tell myself Jimmy wouldn't want me to be sad but because I love him so much I am sad. I'm "supposed" to put on a happy face & carry on but no matter what i've done it hasn't been enough for certain people. Then again these people are always difficult to please & easy to disappoint so why would this be different? Why? Because one of my children has died & I'm naturally going through unimaginable changes & emotions. No! That's no reason. Boy oh boy life is tough & people are strange! I can't even wrap my head around my sons death let alone the rest of this. It's crazy, it's too much.

Comment by Sophia on November 7, 2012 at 9:00pm

Thanks to all of you. I am so overwhelmed right now. I feel so lost & misunderstood. I can't even talk to my friend because of the way she toar into me the last time we "had a talk". She has no idea how my sons death has effected me. To take away the roof over my head during the holiday season & right at the time of the 1st year anniversary of Jimmy's death isn't what a friend should do. I wouldn't even before experiencing it myself, I've had friends stay with me in the past & I just know I wouldn't. But everyone has different levels of empathy or perhaps none at all. Tuesday it's been 1 year without Jimmy.I'm more sad then ever, it's so hard. Just pray I find a place to live & make it through the holidays. Thanks again to all of you. Everyone hang in there!

Comment by Michele Hayes on November 6, 2012 at 7:26am

I remember when I first went to my support group one of the first things they said was that you shouldn't have any major changes in the first year after your loss. Well, ours was inevitable, and eventhough it has been a positive change its had its challenges. We moved three hours away. The hardest thing for me is telling people about what happened for the first time. I cannot do it without breaking down. So I've just stopped doing it. There is a girl that I have been sitting by in church for about two months now and she had no idea about my daughter. I hope someday I will be able to openly talk about her more. When I went into parent teacher conference a while ago, Laura's teacher started talking about how there was something about Laura that she couldn't put her finger on. She said she acts like those kids that have had a tragedy or trauma in her life. So I started crying and told her bout Ivy. I had wanted to tell her, I thought she should know, but I just couldn't find the words. Last week was Ivy's birthday and Laura cried the whole time she was at school. I am just lucky it was just a half day. The teacher took her aside along with her twin sis and had them make birthday cards for Ivy.

Comment by Michelle W on November 6, 2012 at 3:54am

Sophia,
I too have that year anniverary coming up an have started a job only 6 months ago and you are right the stress I really too overwhelming at times .. You can only do what you can if your friend is for real which it sounds like that is the case once you are on your feet again, I'm sure she will be there as a friend again some people do not understand how hard it is to just function rather less pick up extra daily things ,., if they could only see through our eyes just for a minute then I'm sure they would understand ... Here's a hug and I hope things turn around for you,,

Comment by Michele Hayes on November 5, 2012 at 8:27pm

Has anyone done a blog? I have- I don't write in it too much. It's mishmashmichele.wordpress.com  .Just if anyone is interested.

Has anyone gone to a support group? We did for a while and then we moved so I haven't been able to find one in my area. That is why I am on here. Seriously, it is not something you can understand until you go through it yourself.

Sophia- I wish I knew you, I would take you in in a heartbeat. You seriously don't need any more stress in your life. You need to really take care of yourself right now- even when you don't feel like it.

Comment by Crystal M. Czar on November 5, 2012 at 8:06pm

Sophia, i am so sorry that everything is happening around the anniversary of your son's death.  I felt as if any increase in stress was just too much, especially in the first two years.  I don't handle stress as well as i use to.  Please try to take one  stressfull thing at a time and take care of yourself.  as you have learned we can offer our love to our surviving childern, and sometimes that all we have to give.

Comment by Sophia on November 5, 2012 at 5:58pm

Hello to all of you. I am going through a "when it rains, it pours" time right now. It is the 1yr anniversary of Jimmy's death 11/13/12. My two living children are both depressed due to this as well as other things. I may be forced to move from a friends home where I've been staying because I am a bad friend and let her down (or so she says).  I realize I haven't been myself the past year but if my oldest child dying isn't reason then what on earth is?!? My living children do not currently live with me and I've been un-employed & fortunately collecting un-employment. I am looking for work in my field and admittedly I put off looking for work a bit due to my sadness and grief. I am literally affraid to sit down and talk with this friend because the last time we did she tore into me like a tornado and I'v been shell shocked ever since! I didn't even really respond to her accusations and opinions at the time because: A. I couldn't believe how angry she was and B. I'm staying in her home and I didn't want to get into a full blown argument. I just let her tear into me and when her young kids came in from outside I got up and went to my room. I've been keeping my space as much as possible for nearly 2 weeks now, but it is ridiculous at this point. The holidays are coming, my kids are going through stuff, I'm looking for work and may have to move much sooner than I planned and my sweet oldest child is dead.  What more??! How much can a person take??! I went to church sunday for the first time in a long time. Not to be selfish and pray for things to go my way but because I went to visit my Grandmother in another state and she asked me to go. I haven't seen her since Jimmy died which was the last time I went to church. I should go more often as I did feel a sense of peace afterward.  I have an appointment with a staffing agency tomorrow (hope for the best). I'm worried about my children. I just want things to smooth over with my friend, even if she wants me out ASAP, as she said 2 weeks ago. We have known each other for 30 years and it would be a shame to have our friendship end. She is hard to please & very hard on people, always has been but I've been able to walk away in the past. Right now I'm about as sensitive, delicate and nervous as I've ever been and ever will be. Why are things so bad and wrong right now? I'm far from perfect & I'm the first to admit it. I'm sure I'm to blame for some things but all of this on top of everything else is nearly too much to bare!

Thanks for listening - thanks for this site!

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