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Comment by Dick on November 10, 2012 at 6:13pm

I just got back from harvesting on the family farm. It has been a hard day for me today. Usually, Danny was helping with the harvest. I am missing you son. 

I stopped by the family plot with my friend that lent a hand. He is my best friend and understands. It just hurts a lot.

Comment by Grace on November 10, 2012 at 2:28pm

Just talked about this in the car with my husband... the flashbacks.... his bright face and smile... I never want to forget him.... yet He is gone and there is nothing I can do to bring him back.... his face is etched in my mind... yet so sad I can not have him back ever again...

Comment by Ammy on November 10, 2012 at 10:39am

Just wanted to say hello.  I didn't realize how long it has been since I was on here.  Had to go back to early October to read the posts.  It is just a never ending story.  Felt for awhile that I was doing better, but the last month has been very depressing.  Haven't been able to get through a day without the tears flowing.  Tried to tell myself it was the change of seasons, but my thoughts are constantly on my son.  Also my daughter had a baby boy on Oct 23 and I think that is making it harder as she is living with us, and I'm always reminded of when my son was born and how it was being a new mom.  I just keep telling myself, 'one day at a time'.  That, and my faith, is the only way I know how to get through this.  I wish you all some moments of peace.  We surely do deserve some.  May you all be blessed in some way that is to your benefit.  I think of you every day and pray for us all.  

Comment by Crystal M. Czar on November 10, 2012 at 10:14am

Good morning, i had an experience this week that has left me in that dark place.  Tuesday i went to the ortho doctor and i realized every mom in the waiting room was with her son.  I pulled up that blanket of sorrow with the acute profound sorrow of how much i miss my son.  I have not been able to pull it off this week has been so hard.  Its been 71/2 years and i still miss my son every day.  I am a support group facililtator and i understand the tru need for support, and how healing it can be.  I live in the life story not the death story now.  I think it took maybe 4 years to get to that place.  I have resigned myself to my sorrow, but sometimes are harder then others.  I hope we can always be supportive of eachother, we are going to always need it!

Comment by Michele Hayes on November 10, 2012 at 10:02am

Well- I had flashbacks for the first month or two. I had found my daughter unconscious and given her CPR- so I had flashbacks of finding her and then watching her die after we had taken her off lifesupport. I went on meds a month and a half later. I had gone to my doctor for bronchitis. I hate going to the doctor- lol. My flashbacks weren't really flashbacks as you would see in a movie- it was more that I would play the events over and over in my mind and couldn't stop thinking about it.

Comment by Grace on November 10, 2012 at 8:40am

No I have not used meds.... think it is normal to feel.... no matter how hard it is.... yes I do believe I have PTSD..... but At least some of the flash backs have gotten more tolerable..... I used to have dreams about the organ harvest and leaving my boy at the hospital in that bed.... before he was taken to surgery..... that was very aweful... could never even talk about that vision...  now  this morning I just saw him getting from the car to the gurney,,,, to go into the hospital.... somedays I think he would have still been here if we would not have brought him to the hospital where they gave him that drug that he was allergic to....  should of could of would ofs.....

I don't think anyone could really handle what goes on inside my brain right now... so as I said I live in this quiet pain....  it is uncomfortable for others to imagine this hell...

Comment by Michele Hayes on November 10, 2012 at 8:32am

The support group I went to was Compassionate Friends and they were great and very understanding. I totally relate to you Grace- there are times I don't tell people because I don't think they'll understand or won't care or I don't want to burden others or I think it will be too uncomfortable. Have you gotten on meds? Flashbacks are a symptom of ptsd. I just recently got off mine. I wasn't sure about it at first, but looking back I am grateful for them.

Comment by Grace on November 10, 2012 at 6:34am

I totally hear you Michele.... I am awake at 6:30 Saturday and on this site.... dreaming of my Niles.... maybe more like flash backs of him getting out of the car at the hospital before his death.... the movie replays all the time in my sleep times.  It has been 3  1/2 years and I think like you Michele that many don't understand so I just live quietly in this pain.... because it does seem like they have forgotten and have moved on.... to some extent I have too moved on into this new life... but the movies still play on.... memories that keep me awake... yet memories I never want to forget.

Comment by Michelle W on November 9, 2012 at 11:25pm

I have found that when I go to the support group everyone is just in a better place then me which just makes me sad... And recently thing have gotten to be hard again the anniversary??commimg up ... My daughter feels it too which just kills me...not many people understand so I just don't speak to anyone on how I'm feeling...I really miss my son... He made everyone he met happy.... Now I just want them all to remember...not forget..,no move on like he's just moved away.,,

Comment by Dick on November 9, 2012 at 11:03pm

Support groups, I have done Compassionate Friends. It has not helped me much. I have found a general support group at the Methodist Hospital and it work for me much better. 

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