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Comment by Dick on December 8, 2012 at 8:22am

Hi everyone. I went into a funk after Danny's birthday. I am OK now, just the holidays just don't have the sparkle any longer.

I wish everyone the best for the holidays. 

Compassionate Friends will have their worldwide candle lighting rememberance tomorrow. You will be able to light a candle for your child; you need not be a member. You can find a chapter by using the internet. Light one for Danny, if you don't mind.

Danny would have been 29.

Comment by Karen R. on December 4, 2012 at 8:06pm

Thank you Grace. It's so much easier to express my feelings to you guys, I would be even more lost without this group. I think of Sandy also, so tragic but I do understand her pain all too well. Thanks for all the support.

Comment by Grace on December 4, 2012 at 7:16pm

Karen... we are all here because we did not get the Happy ending that the lady told you happened with the motorcycle accident that she had.... sometimes I get angry that THEY got what they wanted.... why did GOD not give us that?  What did we do soooo wrong that we are left to live this nightmare?  I have had this even in my family where my cousin had her son survive Cancer..... and some of the things that I hear seem to make me feel that why were they spared?  (Although I am glad they are spared) I am jealous that it was not me.... or my son....     makes me angry   then feeling guilty that I feel so damned by GOD?   try to find PEACE Karen.... I still search for it.... somedays I have some others I feel like you do tonight.... This is such a hard time... I remember our member Sandy about a year a go who took her life... the photo of her kissing her daughter goodbye.... as I did my son... as many of us have ...... We just need to hang in there together and scream and survive..... PEACE

Comment by Karen R. on December 4, 2012 at 6:51pm

Thanks my friends, it's just so hard, i feel like i will never be able to pull myself up out of this one and Grace you are so right about the graphic images, its horrible. I am glad that I have never been a person that has used alcohol or any other drugs because I would probably keep myself intoxicated to deal with my pain.

Comment by Grace on December 4, 2012 at 6:41pm

This is why I believe that many of us live with Post Tramatic Stress....

Those moves just play over and over in my brain... and even though I am typing this here... I just can not even talk to anyone about it...because the images are so graphic in my mind... I am sure my friends just could not handle this emotion at all...   I don't think anyone outside this group could ever allow thier brain to absorb the images that I live with daily.... we just put on our "Happy" "Normal" Face for the rest of the world.... because we know they really don't want to see what is really in our hearts and minds.....

Comment by Grace on December 4, 2012 at 6:30pm

Karen ... my son was declared brain dead in Wisconsin..... after that the doctors WILL shut off life supports.... there is really no choice.... except to keep the life supports on for Organ Donation.... Our son was an organ donor.   We left the room and the hospital with my son laying in the bed looking the same as he did before they pronounced brain death.... I still have flashbacks of leaving my baby there.... and I nightmares of the organ procurement operation... and even the cremation process!  I look at his photographs and can not believe he is ashes in a box in the dresser next to my bed.   I can't relate this pain to anyone else (In my normal friend world) because the images that are in my mind are horrible.)

So I guess what I am saying is you really did NOT kill your son.... he was brain dead.   I know when we hear stories like you just heard about those other people .... we think why couldn't WE have that Happy story in our situation?!  

PEACE   Take Care that you did what happened in Your Situation.

Comment by Michele Hayes on December 4, 2012 at 6:26pm

Karen- one thing I learned from going to support group is that guilt is an added step in the grieving process when its a child. I went through the whole guilt thing and to be honest, I don't know if I will ever be able to let it go completely. We also had to take our daughter off of lifesupport, although I never really questioned that decision. The doctor made it very clear to us that there was no hope. As painful as it has been, you did the right thing. None of us are doubting you as a mom because we have all been there.

Comment by Karen R. on December 4, 2012 at 6:14pm

Hello to all, really need to vent before I explode and wither away! I am in more pain then usual..... I feel like I helped kill my son!!!!! My quilt is really doing me in!!!! I feel like I terminated my son's life support only aided in his demise. Why didn't I give him more time?!!!!! He must hate me!!!!! I hate myself!!!!!!!! It was only a week, "they" said that he was brain'dead'!!! Why didn't I give him a chance to recover?!!!!!!!!! I met a lady in the hair salon and she told me that she had a nephew that had been in a severe motorcycle accident and his injuries and intervention were almost identical to my son's....Traumatic Brain Injury, with severe swelling, coma, life support, removal of section of skull to help relieve swelling, no hope for recovery and he survived and barely has NO residuals!!!!!!!! His family did NOT terminate his life support which he was on for a month!!!! How could I be so stupid?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's like she confirmed to me that I used poor judgement. Oh my God, will my 21 yr old son ever forgive me, I'm dying inside!!!!! Thanks for listening, I can't talk to anyone else about this, it's been tormenting me for awhile but it's like she confirmed my fears. Please, is there anyone else that has had similar thoughts or regrets. Why can't I feel like I did the "right" thing.

Comment by Michele Hayes on December 1, 2012 at 7:48am

Robin- something we did for Ivy's anniversary was a memorial. We sent out invitations and wrote that if they could not make it and wanted to participate, they could send up balloons with notes on the anniversary. We also have family that is very scattered- Kentucky, Illinois, Nevada, California.

Comment by Grace on December 1, 2012 at 7:30am

Dear Rachael,

Sorry you became a member of this group....  I lost my 14 year old son in MAY 2009.....  I lost my first husband in 1983.

No one can imagine the pain ....our brains can not imagine. this....

I hope you can find some comfort here in knowing that we have lived this pain too....

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