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Comment by Karen R. on December 8, 2012 at 3:16pm

I will light a candle tomorrow for all of our children.

Comment by Robin Jone on December 8, 2012 at 1:38pm

Hi Everyone, sorry I have not been on for a while but it doesn't mean I don't think and pray for all of us, especially during the holiday season. I can't believe that this will be the second year not having Zach with us. His birthday is coming up on the 16th, he would have been 25. I think in a lot of ways this year is even harder than last year. Last year  we were still in shock, this year everything points to the fact that he is never coming back. We decided not to have anything formal at our house this year for Zach's birthday, at least not on the actual day. All our daugthers aren't able to make it home that day, so instead we might just wait until when they are all here for our Christmas. This year it is going to be even more different because my husband has to work Christmas day so we are going to wait until the 30th when every one can be off work to have our family Christmas. Some days I can't help but think about how much every one in our family's lives have changed. How it always seems so emotionally charged when we are together. People will tell me how wonderful our family is, and how close we all are, but they don't know that there is still anger. Not with each other, but sometimes we just lash out at each other because thats what we do, lash out at those closest to us. My daugthers are all grieving different, one wants to talk about Zach and her feelings. The middle one will talk about Zach but not her feelings and the youngest, who was probably closest to Zach, just really doesn't want to do either unless it is through a text message. I continue to go to Compassionate Friends, but that only meets once a month, but it does seem to help me. That is my time when I can talk about Zach, take my mask off and just let the emotions go with people who understand. I will definitely be lighting a candle tomorrow night for Zach and thinking of all of you and your children. Prayers and hugs for us all. God bless.

Comment by Dick on December 8, 2012 at 8:22am

Hi everyone. I went into a funk after Danny's birthday. I am OK now, just the holidays just don't have the sparkle any longer.

I wish everyone the best for the holidays. 

Compassionate Friends will have their worldwide candle lighting rememberance tomorrow. You will be able to light a candle for your child; you need not be a member. You can find a chapter by using the internet. Light one for Danny, if you don't mind.

Danny would have been 29.

Comment by Karen R. on December 4, 2012 at 8:06pm

Thank you Grace. It's so much easier to express my feelings to you guys, I would be even more lost without this group. I think of Sandy also, so tragic but I do understand her pain all too well. Thanks for all the support.

Comment by Grace on December 4, 2012 at 7:16pm

Karen... we are all here because we did not get the Happy ending that the lady told you happened with the motorcycle accident that she had.... sometimes I get angry that THEY got what they wanted.... why did GOD not give us that?  What did we do soooo wrong that we are left to live this nightmare?  I have had this even in my family where my cousin had her son survive Cancer..... and some of the things that I hear seem to make me feel that why were they spared?  (Although I am glad they are spared) I am jealous that it was not me.... or my son....     makes me angry   then feeling guilty that I feel so damned by GOD?   try to find PEACE Karen.... I still search for it.... somedays I have some others I feel like you do tonight.... This is such a hard time... I remember our member Sandy about a year a go who took her life... the photo of her kissing her daughter goodbye.... as I did my son... as many of us have ...... We just need to hang in there together and scream and survive..... PEACE

Comment by Karen R. on December 4, 2012 at 6:51pm

Thanks my friends, it's just so hard, i feel like i will never be able to pull myself up out of this one and Grace you are so right about the graphic images, its horrible. I am glad that I have never been a person that has used alcohol or any other drugs because I would probably keep myself intoxicated to deal with my pain.

Comment by Grace on December 4, 2012 at 6:41pm

This is why I believe that many of us live with Post Tramatic Stress....

Those moves just play over and over in my brain... and even though I am typing this here... I just can not even talk to anyone about it...because the images are so graphic in my mind... I am sure my friends just could not handle this emotion at all...   I don't think anyone outside this group could ever allow thier brain to absorb the images that I live with daily.... we just put on our "Happy" "Normal" Face for the rest of the world.... because we know they really don't want to see what is really in our hearts and minds.....

Comment by Grace on December 4, 2012 at 6:30pm

Karen ... my son was declared brain dead in Wisconsin..... after that the doctors WILL shut off life supports.... there is really no choice.... except to keep the life supports on for Organ Donation.... Our son was an organ donor.   We left the room and the hospital with my son laying in the bed looking the same as he did before they pronounced brain death.... I still have flashbacks of leaving my baby there.... and I nightmares of the organ procurement operation... and even the cremation process!  I look at his photographs and can not believe he is ashes in a box in the dresser next to my bed.   I can't relate this pain to anyone else (In my normal friend world) because the images that are in my mind are horrible.)

So I guess what I am saying is you really did NOT kill your son.... he was brain dead.   I know when we hear stories like you just heard about those other people .... we think why couldn't WE have that Happy story in our situation?!  

PEACE   Take Care that you did what happened in Your Situation.

Comment by Michele Hayes on December 4, 2012 at 6:26pm

Karen- one thing I learned from going to support group is that guilt is an added step in the grieving process when its a child. I went through the whole guilt thing and to be honest, I don't know if I will ever be able to let it go completely. We also had to take our daughter off of lifesupport, although I never really questioned that decision. The doctor made it very clear to us that there was no hope. As painful as it has been, you did the right thing. None of us are doubting you as a mom because we have all been there.

Comment by Karen R. on December 4, 2012 at 6:14pm

Hello to all, really need to vent before I explode and wither away! I am in more pain then usual..... I feel like I helped kill my son!!!!! My quilt is really doing me in!!!! I feel like I terminated my son's life support only aided in his demise. Why didn't I give him more time?!!!!! He must hate me!!!!! I hate myself!!!!!!!! It was only a week, "they" said that he was brain'dead'!!! Why didn't I give him a chance to recover?!!!!!!!!! I met a lady in the hair salon and she told me that she had a nephew that had been in a severe motorcycle accident and his injuries and intervention were almost identical to my son's....Traumatic Brain Injury, with severe swelling, coma, life support, removal of section of skull to help relieve swelling, no hope for recovery and he survived and barely has NO residuals!!!!!!!! His family did NOT terminate his life support which he was on for a month!!!! How could I be so stupid?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's like she confirmed to me that I used poor judgement. Oh my God, will my 21 yr old son ever forgive me, I'm dying inside!!!!! Thanks for listening, I can't talk to anyone else about this, it's been tormenting me for awhile but it's like she confirmed my fears. Please, is there anyone else that has had similar thoughts or regrets. Why can't I feel like I did the "right" thing.

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