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Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 5, 2013 at 12:27am

Sophia
I'm so sorry. I understand and feel much the same. Dying would relieve my pain but then my girls would be left living it. Sad.

Comment by Sophia on January 4, 2013 at 7:41pm

Hello to all of you. Another holiday season gone by and I am sadder than ever. I haven't actually been depressed, at least I haven't felt I was depressed - just sad, until now. The experience of grief is such a roller coaster ride, up & down & around. It comes in waves and it can just hit as if I've walked full speed into a concrete wall -Im stunned and dazed. I have moments of "is this real", even 14 months later. My living son, he's 20 yrs old, is going through a rough time. He was the last person to speak to Jimmy before he died and he's been going through 'changes (if you will), nothing too bad but I'm worried about him. I don't want this to be happening- Jimmy dead and my other son struggling with life. It is natural to go through this stuff at his age but losing Jimmy has thrown us all off. I'm looking for work, still, had a couple of interviews and have to make up reasons I've been out of work for a year now, because I can't/don't want to or know if its appropriate to come out & say my oldest child died and I needed some time to grieve!!  I just say I relocated, which is true but not the real reason. Money worries along with all the rest of this nightmare come true is almost too much at times. I find myself thinking I would like to see Jimmy - kill myself, but I wouldn't only because I couldn't put my 2 kids through that. If I didn't have them I would have no reason to live, thank God I do!

It's been a while since I wrote here and I'm grateful for having this site to vent on - Lord knows I have nowhere else to do so. Hope you all are as well as can be expected. Bless you all.

Comment by Karen R. on January 2, 2013 at 10:11pm

Thanks for the hugs, I totally understand.

Comment by Michelle W on January 2, 2013 at 10:08pm

Karen, Ammy, I actually try not to look at the teenagers anymore.... We live right next to the high school my son attended and all the kid go over to the grocery store/ strip mall right next to our house so I always saw my son... Everyone looked like him or one of his friends or they knew who I was " Billy's mom" I always feel uncomfortable just running to the store...so I just look down when I go in any of those places...he was so well known and it was such a horrible accident ... All the kids on the buses comming back saw the accident so it isn't easily forgotten ... Well that's how I feel... I was in the car today and by accident myosin from my phone came on when I was going to work of course every song that I changed it to was a song I loved and reminded me of before the accident ...my life with son I just cried turned it off and thought how sad everything I loved was with him now it all just makes me sad... So that in my opinion is just a bad joke I loose my son and everything that made me even smile I hope everyone is having an ok day hugs to all

Comment by Karen R. on January 2, 2013 at 9:46pm

Hey Ammy, that has happened to me many times. I find myself becoming fixated on certain people that I convince myself looks exactly like my son. I have even gotten angry at my children that don't agree that the person looks like him. After all this time, I still find myself searching for my son, especially when I'm out driving. It makes me feel crazy.

Comment by Ammy on January 2, 2013 at 5:25pm

Karen & Michelle I know what you are talking about.  The variety of emotions, thoughts, and anguish just goes in a vicious circle.

I know this time of year is very hard on many of us.  Our hearts ache for our children.  Depression can be worse, feelings of loneliness and emptiness also are there, and there is nothing, nothing, nothing we can do about it.

I wanted to ask if any of you have seen another person that resembles your child so much that you can't believe it.  The weirdest thing happened today.  I had to go to the hospital for a couple of tests and after I decided to go up the street from there to a little meat market to get some cold cuts (lunch meat, cheese).  I now think why did I think of going there.  When I was checking out there was a man about 4 people ahead of me and when he turned I thought it was my son.  Then I started looking at the way he was dressed and it was identical to the way my son would have been dressed.  Only his hair was longer, but he had the mustache and chin beard.  His nose was slightly different, but his eyes were my son's eyes.  I just kept staring and taking it all in.  I tried to see where he went when he left because I really think I would have gone up to him.  The woman in front saw me looking when I kept trying to see where he was going and asked if I wanted to go ahead of her.  She thought someone was waiting for me and probably saw the tears in my eyes.  I feel like I'm crazy.  Have you had this happen to you?  This is the second time it has happened to me and yet, I know it was not the same person I saw the first time.

Maybe I'm just becoming delusional.

Comment by Karen R. on January 2, 2013 at 1:30pm

Greetings everyone. I have been very quiet lately but I do occasionally check in and read the postings. Sometimes its too much for me emotionally for me to comment...as it confirms that I am a member of such a group :(

A big part of me still tries to convince the "other me" that my son is fine, this was all just a nightmare that I couldn't wake up out of and he will be walking through my door any minute yelling " mom, it's me!". I couldn't fine any uplifting or encouraging words to post during these holidays, especially New Year's because it reminds me like a hard, cold slap in my face that my son is gone yet another year. The sun is still rising and setting, the world is going on as if my son never existed and it gets me angry and deepens my sadness. I don't know how to be cheerful during these holidays, I've learned to be a good actress so I don't ruin anyone else's happy moments. No one wants to be around a miserable person, they get tired of it and will only try to avoid them.

For those of you that are in that "place", the place where you have peace and acceptance, I am happy for you and envy you. I do have some BETTER days, they are not all bad but nights have become fierce because once I go to bed and have no more distractions, the overwhelming sadness and anger sets in deep.

Once again, thanks for listening.

Comment by Michelle W on January 2, 2013 at 4:37am

Well, I just couldn't even read the writing of all of you that normally would make me feel good but it was just so much this last month, I just got caught up in all the pain and memories..my husband and myself took December off actually we took off thanksgiving till the new year off ... My son was buried on the 6 th of December .... He passed away on the 26 th of November and then he would have been nineteen this year on the eighteenth of December and like all children he love Christmas because he got the double gifts because he was born a week before Christmas .....I've learned as this roller coaster goes on it gets harder ... I've learned to be dishonest on how I feel to people because either don't care or I ruin there day.... This really nice boy I had never met my son new left a beautiful letter for my son under his Xmas tree at his gravesite on his bday and one boy who came home for Xmas break from college had gotten a tattoo on his chest of a basketball with my sons bball number and his initials so yes he is still loved but everyday has been so hard I too had a dream I wrote it down it was so nice we had friends of my sons over to celebrate his life and I looked up and he was there he grabbed my arm and said its ok mom and I love you I woke up and he was gone...the boy that was driving the car that Killed my son mentioned online how he remembers the texting of his dad and then my son laying in the road ...he never even called to say sorry...I know be lives with pain also but not even sorry....I spend much time trying to escape this nightmare .... I feel all the pain you all feel .... Thanks for being here

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 2, 2013 at 1:38am

I'm sorry Pat. It's nice that you posted a picture. I know that's hard to do.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on December 27, 2012 at 1:52am

I'm so glad this Christmas is over.

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