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Comment by Sophia on January 7, 2013 at 2:57am

It is unbelievable to me how insensitive people are toward those of us who've lost a child/children. I feel as if some people actually believe I 'use' my sons death as an 'excuse' for feeling sorry for myself. As if we (I) am thinking of ways to exploit my child's death - it makes me so sad & angry! Some people are so calus & self righteous. I'm filled with sadness & remorse, I'm scared of life - I don't know how to move forward, certainly I'll never move on. How could I? I'm always thinking of how to keep Jimmy's memory alive without upsetting my two living children's lives. I want to socialize but I don't know how to without feeling I'm dragging people into my depressing, sad reality. My only joy comes from my living children & as I wrote before, my son is going through a difficult time. He's very moody & gets so angry at the drop of a hat. My 12yr old daughter needs me to be strong, Lord knows what a tricky age she is. I'm overwhelmed with all of this - adding my financial woes to it all, it seems like everything is just about to fall in all around me and I'll get smothered & crushed from the weight of it all.
So I pray & do whatever I can to stay strong & find work. This too shall pass but I'll forever feel just as I do now as far as my Jimmy dying before me. Why? Why did he have to leave us? He & I were so close. He was their big brother & what a caring big brother he was. It's so miserably sad! Will I ever see him again? Dear sweet Jimmy....I love & miss you so!
Thanks, once again, for this site. A place to write out my feelings to those who truly understand. I'm so, so sad for all of you too.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 7, 2013 at 1:51am

Grace
Thank you for sharing.

Comment by Karen R. on January 6, 2013 at 8:53pm

Susan, I am sending you many many hugs, i can't imagine losing more than one child, how awful.

Comment by Karen R. on January 6, 2013 at 8:47pm

Hello to all, I still struggle with my anger over 'ignorant'/'cold' statements from my close family also. They all want me to "move on". Sometimes I want to scream in their faces and ask them what the hell does moving on mean!!!! Always coming from someone who is not walking in my shoes. All they make me do is hide my true feelings from them. Sometimes I wish I could just isolate myself from everyone. How does anyone GET OVER losing their child....you just live a different way. I still have waves of guilt if I laugh or listen to music that I use to love and forget dancing. If my foot begins to tap to a beat, I feel like I will erupt into tears, I feel like my son will feel like I am forgetting him, I beat myself up by reminding myself that he was placed in that cold ground, he should be here with me enjoying his young life with all of his friends. Sometimes I wish I did not witness my son being buried, sometimes I regret even attending my son's funeral. Hearing that BS that "these things happen" or "we will all meet this fate", doesn't comfort me, those facts do NOT ease my pain. I'm a mother and I'm human. My son was suppose to be at my funeral. I will NEVER stop wanting my son back. Some days I just convince myself that my son is on vacation in some remote area where he can't contact me but he's enjoying himself, other days I convince myself that he escaped after the funeral because he came out of his coma but because of his head trauma he has amnesia and is lost, so I have to find him. I am still hoping that this, including being a member of this group, is all my sick imagination and none of this real. Thanks for listening.

Comment by Robin Jone on January 6, 2013 at 7:26pm

Well it is the beginning of a new year. I don't know about anyone else but I actually had a harder day yesterday than the actual holidays. The holidays I had my kids and grandkids here, so I was able to put on the happy face and enjoy my time with them. Yesterday my husband and I took down all the Christmas decorations, and it was like a slap in the face. Another holiday and Zach did not come walking through the front door. It just really hit me hard yesterday. Like several of you have said, this grief is something that I will never be over. I never know when it is going to hit, I will just see something and then bam it feels like I have been punched in the chest and all the air has been sucked out of me. The sermon at my church today was "How to respond to the unfairness of life." I told my pastor that it is so strange how he always seems to touch on what I am struggling with. He talked about how sometimes we have really bad things happen in our lives but that there might be others who later will go through the same thing and be watching us to see how we are handling it. Just within the last four months or so I have had three friends lose a child. I have to admit that I do feel like they are watching how I am dealing with it. I continue to pray, and ask others to pray, that I am able to keep putting one foot in front of the other. That I continue to survive this. Some days I would like to just stay in bed and pull the covers up over my head and just stay there. There are moments when I just want to give up, so that I could be with Zach again, but I know how much pain that would cause my daughters and granddaughters. I could never do that to them. So I continue to pray, and pray for all my friends who are grieving the loss of a loved one. I have to believe that I will be with Zach again some day, and that he is watching from above saying "you can do this Mom." I can't do it alone, that I do know. So to all who have prayed for me and my family, I thank you. I could not do this, God has done for me what I cannot do for myself. One day at a time, one moment at a time. Hugs. Robin

Comment by Ammy on January 6, 2013 at 2:11pm

Susan, I'm so sorry.  You can do it.  Will be praying for you to have strength.  When is the date?

Comment by Grace on January 6, 2013 at 12:38pm

Impact Statement..... What a concept..... How could one even begin to articulate that?   good Luck Susan...... Prayers sent.

 

Comment by susan joanette wilson on January 6, 2013 at 12:29pm

Moving forward is harder then it sounds. I know its 3 years since my oldest son died.   what was left of my brain after that is now gone all together with the passing of one of my twins. The legal issues are about over. this kid slammed a car into the bucket of an endloader there was 3 men having a break . Derek too the brunt and died od a head injury one guy was critical today i have anger I have been asked to do an impact statement i am having anxiety  need prayers.

Comment by Dick on January 6, 2013 at 11:29am

Yes, I am painting Danny's old bedroom not because I am trying to erase any memory, it has been planned for years. It does not feel right, but is necessary. Yep the world will continue forward after we are gone. Sad.

Comment by Grace on January 6, 2013 at 10:54am

Thank You all for caring... Niles died May 2009..... and now it seems as if the whole world has "Moved On" and it is hard for them to acknowledge that I still miss him.... I have heard other people even talk about a relative who lost her husband a few months after Niles died that they wished that Mom would get Over It and Move on... they had lost an infant at birth and still remember but feel that she is just grieving for "Attention"  I feel bad for Mom because I know I still get Choked up for the loss of my first husband ... and that was 30 years ago....   and I still have a disbelief of what I have gone through in life.... and my son was 14 years old with special needs of Autism... and I think it is different than losing a child at birth.... I still hurt and I am not OVER IT after more than 3 years.....  I still Cry and I still have memories of the difficult times and also of some precious times....  I still can't believe that he is gone..... 

I read so many of you who are still NEW in this grief... and just know that the years go by and then you wonder if anyone really cares any more.... like they say they do at the funeral...

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