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Comment by Rosie Fletcher on February 6, 2013 at 6:03pm

I wanted to share the t-shirt quilt I finally finished.  It took awhile, it was painful but at the same time I needed to do this.  It's like a way to make sure he's not forgotten because it will go to my older son when I pass and from there to his kids I hope. 

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on February 6, 2013 at 5:42pm

I truly believe that grandparents, uncles, aunts, parents, friends who have passed on is their with our children.  I saw a psychic a little after my son died and found out that my mother-in-law and sister-in-law was there to meet my son when he passed on.  It provided some comfort to me that he wasn't alone when he crossed over.

Comment by Sophia on February 5, 2013 at 10:55pm

This site is the only place I know of where, at this time, that I understand & believe all of you understand the emotional pain we're all feeling. As I've read through some recent comments I feel a certain sense of comfort just knowing I'm not the only one! I lost my 22 yr old son 11/13/11. He, Jimmy, was my first child. I have 2 other children. I lost a dear friend in 1996, she would always take notice of it being 11:11. Of course 11:11 always reminds me of her (Nancy) & I know 11 is somehow a 'special' number in the study of numerology, though exactly how/why Im not sure. I know 11 & 22 are considered special, 11+11=22 - don't know much about this but I do know however we are able to communicate with our dead children or feel close with them it's a blessing.
I want to see, talk to or just feel my Jimmy's presence but honestly I don't, at least not as i'de imagine it. My heart aches & I don't want him to be just a memory.
As someone wrote; I include Jimmy when I'm asked by someone I've just met. I say I have 3 children & I tell them the age he would be now. If I am close enough with someone new I'll tell them I have a child who died. I feel so sad & alone when people speak of their children & I lie about my 23 yr old son. But i can't just say I have 2 children & I can't just say I have a 22 yr old who died. It's terribly awkward to be asked what he's doing or where he lives. I'm not a liar but I can't just leave him out, not mention him. I've recently started a new job so I've found myself in this position too often lately. Women ALWAYS proudly speak of their children, in the break room or at lunch. I immerse myself in my work & try hard to keep away from these situations without seeming rude or aloof. Now that I have medical ins. again I must return to grief counseling, I have yet to attend any groups through compassionate friends or any grief groups but I know I should. God why? Why can't I have my Jimmy back - we were so close. As we all are close to our children. I miscarried a child just one year after Jimmy was born. I lost my dear friend Nancy. 2 Uncles & a Grandmother. I wonder if they're together? I wonder if I'll see them again. Are they waiting for me? Are they waiting to greet us who are still Here? Where are they, I think/wonder about this often.

Comment by Connie K on February 5, 2013 at 5:46pm

Losing an only child is so hard I can't express it. I feel like my future is gone as well. I mourn the grandchildren I will never have and do struggle with my purpose now. I can only hope to do something with what's left of my life that will make him proud. I think I need to become all that I wanted for him. I feel guilty for not being the best I could while he was alive. I keep feeling like if I had just done something different or better, his path might have been different too. I miss you my sweet boy -so much that some days I feel like I cannot breath. But I do and don't know why. Such a hard day today - even though I know his spirit is with me. I need a hug from him!

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 31, 2013 at 12:22am

My heart is broken. I don't understand why it continues to beat.

Comment by Karen R. on January 30, 2013 at 11:32pm

Hey Shirlee, we will always remember our children....they are so much more than a mere memory, they are our children, they had a life. I just want my son back and my once happy life. I also have other children, people mean well when they say "at least you have other children", well, you can NOT replace one with another. You don't want to have to bury any of your children, I could only imagine that losing your only child is double hard, even though my surviving children don't replace their brother, I am ALIVE today because of them but I don't have a LIFE. This is just so hard.  Many hugs to you and your husband.

Comment by Shirlee Smith on January 30, 2013 at 11:17pm

Karen

You are not alone in hoping you will see your son sitting on his bed. We have security cameras all around our house so that we can keep an eye on our dogs. One of them shows the dirveway and street and at night I just sit and wait for Joe to pull into the driveway. I have not yet had to deal with Joe's birhtday yet as it is coming up on 3/23. I am not so sure how I will handle that. I know that I do not plan on telling my husband that it is Joe's birthday as he does not remember any birthdays. So I am hoping that he will forget again this year. See I have two children a daughter Nicole and son Joe. No matter what I am still his mom. My husband adopted my daughter so our son was his only biological child and although he does not say it or show that he is not our daughter's father by blood I know that losing our son has just about killed him litterally. Joe was not only his son he was my husband care giver while I was at work. he did everything for his dad. They were best friends and now my husband is lost. We are trying so very hard to move on but as of yet we have not been able to get past one day without tears. I truly hope that all of us are able to piece together some way to learn to live without the child we lost.

Comment by Karen R. on January 30, 2013 at 9:02pm

Hello to all. Still hoping that I will see my son sitting on the bed when I open the door, still struggling with the thought of having to "accept" this! How could I ever "accept" such a thing? Still not sure why I'm expected to do so. This pain is relentless. Keep being told that these "things" happen or that we will all meet the same fate, that everyone will have their time.....but somehow, those notions don't ease my pain, they don't ease my anxiety. I wish we never knew this kind of pain, for surely there is none like it! Still finding it hard to speak of or think of my son in the 'past tense', that seems so cold to me, makes me feel like he's being forgotten. He's ALWAYS going to be my son. Guess that's why I struggle with his passing birthdays, will he forever be 21 or should I say his current age. I always count him when someone asks me how many children I have.....sometimes I explain that he passed away, sometimes I don't. Does anyone else give their another year as time passes or do you just keep their age when they passed away/crossed over? I have a friend that lost his wife and he says that for him, he has never giving her a current age with passing birthdays, just curious how some of you feel about it?

Comment by Connie K on January 29, 2013 at 11:51am

So sorry Michele. I have also suffered multiple miscarriages before I had Daniel. One was at 5 months. It was devastating and I have never really gotten over that. It's so unfair. I feel your pain and send you loving prayers.

Connie

Comment by Michele Hayes on January 29, 2013 at 9:09am

Shirlee- that is one of the hardest things about losing your child- you have to watch your spouse go through the same thing. I'm like you, I often wont vent to Justin because I know his emotional burden is already heavy.

Its been almost a year and a half for us. On New Year's Eve I got a positive pregnancy test. Two weeks later I went to the ER and they did an ultrasound and there was no baby. We were really disappointed. I feel like all of this progress I have made in getting through losing Ivy and now the miscarriage is just making it harder.

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