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Comment by Ammy on March 6, 2013 at 11:47am

Hello to all that are here and expressing their feelings.  I can relate to all of it at times.  Karen, I too have to have the TV on to fall asleep and then wake up several times during the night.  Some are fortunate that they can sleep to escape, but others, like us, for some reason can not fully escape into that deep sleep.  I sure wish I could.  I often tell my husband that I envy his being able to fall asleep so quickly.

Today, being Wednesday, is another thing I can't get past.  Why?  I wish I could just forget that that was the day we were told he was gone and not coming back.  I think I am accepting that now, but still imagine what it would be like to see him again and hold him.  I picture myself just hugging him and not letting go.

I do believe that I grieve more for myself now and not my son.  I know he had a hard time in life struggling with mental health issues and maybe he was just too tired to keep fighting them.  Just another way I try to ease my pain.  I'm still waiting for the answers from the authorities on that.  It will be 32 months on the 14th and some days I think I should just let it go and then maybe I can move on a little, if that is even possible.  

Karen, it's like you question yourself about the life support.  Will we always have these questions running through our minds?  Will we ever be able to just accept it and release it?

I am also thankful for the distractions.  I have his daughter here 4 days a week and a four month old grandson and our daughter living with us now.  So I am thankful because they are distractions even though some days they can bring painful memories, but there is more good from them than sadness.

I pray you all can find some relief in the blessings that we do have remaining.  Hugs.  • x o ♥ ♥ x o •

Comment by Karen R. on March 5, 2013 at 9:36pm

Hi Zelma, I know about that anxiety that you speak of. I think now that life's distractions are what helps me get through the day but when I have to wind down to go to bed, unless I have noise or the distraction of the television, everything falls on top of me like a ton of bricks, I relive that dreadful day with the same intensity when it occurred, I even have tortuous visions of my son's autopsy until I want to vomit. I lay there thinking how can I face another day. Then my guilt of terminating his life support burns me like acid in a wound. I battle with the fact that maybe I did it too soon. I lay there and beg him to come to me and let me know that he is ok and not angry with me. My insomnia is bad and silence makes it even harder for me to fall asleep, I wake up feeling so exhausted, sometimes I only sleep 3-4 hrs in the night.

Comment by Peggy Redmond on March 5, 2013 at 9:25pm

Karen R. Thank you. I am sorry for your loss too. My daughter will never be forgotten. I, too wish and want my child back. Hugs to you Karen.

Comment by Karen R. on March 5, 2013 at 9:20pm

Hi Peggy, so sorry, I know how you feel. I often ask myself why do I have to accept this.....do I really have to? I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare. All we can do is try our best to make sure they are NEVER forgotten, our children had a life, they were real, they did exist!!! My son is more than a mere 'memory' to me. I want him back.

Comment by Peggy Redmond on March 5, 2013 at 8:53pm

It's been like 2 1/2 years since my daughter passed away suddenly. It still feels like a bad dream. I still am having trouble accepting her being gone.

Comment by zelma on March 5, 2013 at 8:35pm

It changes you in ways other people can't imagine. I lost my little one 3 years ago, and since then have developed such anxiety over the uncertainty of life, that it's sometimes overwhelming. I also have a high level of anxiety over the safety of my 2 year old daughter {I check to see if she's breathing when she sleeps}......I have to stop myself from thinking about every possible danger she can encounter......I  am sometimes thankful for the distraction that day to day life can bring......

Comment by Karen R. on March 5, 2013 at 1:09pm

Wow Adrianne, I thought I was the only one that felt that way about the dancing, I also use to love to dance. I still can't use that 'd' word either, sounds so final. Sending hugs.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on March 5, 2013 at 1:43am

Karen
I feel the same. I use the word "passed" when it's necessary. I can't use the d word. I can't dance and I loved dancing. It actually hurts to listen to music.

Comment by Michele Blevins on March 4, 2013 at 9:46am

Hello everyone, I'm having a bad morning can't stop crying. I was going to try and go back to work today. I'm blessed to have a great boss. I don't want to leave the house. It's a nightmare i can't hold or kiss my son. I miss him so much. I just want him here with me.

Comment by Karen R. on March 4, 2013 at 9:25am

Hey everyone. I still have a problem with speaking of my son in the past tense, it makes me feel like I am making him feel like he never existed....I know that sounds crazy and irrational but I feel like that sometimes. Maybe I don't speak of him that way because I don't want any of this to be a reality. It's the same with me having waves of guilt if I laugh or enjoy anything, I feel like my son will feel like I am forgetting him, forget dancing, I still haven't danced since 2009, the year my son passed away. The few times that I attempted to, my eyes well up with tears and I just can't do it, it's like a voice says to me "what you are dancing for?!!!!) I would have been able to dance at my son's wedding one day but now I've been robbed of that. Enjoyment has become such a task for me. I feel like during happy family events I have to be fake so others won't feel uncomfortable and plus I don't want the focus to be on me when everyone should be enjoying their self. Thanks for listening.

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