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Comment by Grace on March 21, 2013 at 5:06pm

Hi... it was May 2009 when I lost Niles.... April 17 he would be 18.... instead he will always be 14.  It does get softer but you will always flash back to the life with him then think about life now....how do we survive?

Just breathe in then out... repeat..... and cry.... I still cry....

As a mother we give birth and this Life has come from our body...now now our heart will always have a hole that will never be filled .... but maybe a scab....  PEACE

Comment by Karen R. on March 21, 2013 at 11:41am

Hi Ammy, yes, I think of my son all day everyday, sometimes when I feel like my breakdown is coming, I convince myself that I hear my son saying" come on MOM, I feel really sad seeing you like this" and I imagine that he is rubbing my back or hugging me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. My son not being here is still unimaginable to me.

Comment by Ammy on March 21, 2013 at 11:25am

Michelle, forgive me for saying this, but you are like a baby in your grief. You have just been born to it.  Five weeks is just as if it's happened right now.  It's too fresh.  Just keep doing as you need to grieve, but try to take care of yourself as best you can.  It's a long journey, but it won't always be as it is.  I am so sorry.   ♥

 (Mom of Chas 7/14/2010)

Comment by Michele Blevins on March 21, 2013 at 10:25am

i think of my son non stop. it's so hard to move on. it's been almost 5 weeks. I haven't been back to work. i feel like i don't want to go on. everyone else has moved on with their life. I talked to a pastor Monday that did not help me. i just lay on couch all day and cry wishing things were different n wake up from this nightmare.

Comment by Ammy on March 21, 2013 at 9:28am

Hi again and sending hugs & blessings to all.

Adrianne, do you remember her name?  

Do all of you think of your child/children throughout the day?  Do you think we will always do this every day?

Sometimes in my selfish way, I wish I could forget, as one thought will eventually lead to a negative thought and I have to tell myself to think of something else or to do something to get my mind off of it.  

Sorry, I just have had so many random thoughts lately.

(Mom of Chas 7/14/2010)

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on March 21, 2013 at 2:34am

Ammy
I have thought of her also. Dick doesn't write much anymore either. I think of all of you.

Comment by Karen R. on March 20, 2013 at 8:36pm

Hugs to all as well.

Comment by Ammy on March 20, 2013 at 3:32pm

I've just been looking through old posts.  I thought of someone yesterday that was here in our group and, of course, I can't remember her name.  I can't get her out of my mind and don't want to post too much info, but one thing that would be known to her is that her son had asked for a cigarette.  If you are still here, but not posting, would you let me know.

I realized that there are so many that have come and gone as I looked back at the posts.  I hope all are coping.  This group says 235 members, but it seems as only a small number have remained since I came here.

Just thinking some of my off the wall thoughts today.  

Hugs to all!  ❤

Comment by Ammy on March 20, 2013 at 2:56pm

Hugs {{{{{Connie}}}}}.  My heart aches for you today.  I can't imagine the extra pain of having to pick a stone and find the words to engrave.  We have our son's ashes with us.  I don't know if I will ever be able to let them go.  I don't know that extra pain those that have done this have gone through but I'm sure it takes so much inner strength and I can't do it.

My heart goes out to Jing also.  I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.  ♥

Thinking of you all and sending love.

(Mom of Chas 7/14/2010)

Comment by Connie K on March 20, 2013 at 11:55am

Hello evryone. I am sending you all love and hugs because I know how bad it hurts and how it seems no one around you really gets it.  Toni, I too am facing my son's 18th birthday which would have been March 31st. We are supposed to be shopping for his first car, he was going to graduate and despite hellish medical issues he had to endure, he was doing it and getting better. Then he became a victim as someone made a wreckless and dealy decision while driving. It was a friend of his who still wom't take responsibility. Now he has finally been charged with manslaughter. Instead of celebrating Daniel's birthday we will be going to court next week in this case. I am heart sick for ALL of his friends involved - 2 boys survived the accident. His girlfriend is also devastated. His best friend full of guilt for not being able to be there with him that night like they had planned. And I know what you mean - I am trying to meet my responsibilities while being in gut wrenching pain all the time. I wake up crying and go to sleep crying. Last might I dreamed I had him back as a baby.  I was holding him saying "he's not dead yet, I have him right here." As a Mom we have those physical memories of the child birth. I feel in my body, heart and soul those feelings I had when I was going to be having a new baby any day. And today is one of those days I wonder how I will get through again. Just like someone else said - for me it is getting harder and harder. It has only been 3 months and I feel like my mind hasn't let me accept this tragedy still. And sometimes reality shoots through to the heart and POW. we are planting a tree in his honor in a couple of weeks and I have to go get the stone to have engraved today. I guess it's true if it's written in stone.....I miss you so much my beautiful beautiful baby. I'm sure you light up heaven even more. Hugs to all of you.

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