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Comment by Teresa D. on June 4, 2013 at 11:45am

A few mixed thoughts.

I think men and women do deal differently but I don't think the pain is any less.

 

The other day without thinking I was speaking about my son in a conversation with a new neighbor. She ended up asking me how many kids I had. I didn't really know how to answer. So I told her I have two: my daughter who is 24 and my son who passed in Sept. 2012 who would have been 30.  She politely ended the conversation and went inside. 

I find some people think I should be moving on.  Some are afraid of me. I guess they don't want to be me.  while others just look at you with such sadness.  I'm just trying my best to deal with it. 

I think your right the first few months your just numb and full of disbelief.  Then later reality starts to really set in.    The future we talk about the day he died I will never get to see.

 

I am usually looked at as a strong person... problem is no one seems to recognize that I just can't be that person right now.  Everyone around me expects it but I can't be it. I don't people realize when it's your child your not just grieving your child but your grieving their future that is also gone.

Comment by Michelle H on June 4, 2013 at 10:52am

I always find it refreshing when I see posts from men on here. Unfortunately males are socialized to be "strong," to keep their more vulnerable feelings hidden. Also men are doers and fixers, and this is one thing they just can't fix.

Comment by Karen R. on June 4, 2013 at 10:29am

Does anyone think that men and women grieve differently or the same. We don't have many active male members in this group. During my experience, it appears that men grieve differently. I guess it just depends on the individual.

Comment by Karen R. on June 4, 2013 at 10:23am

Hey Vasanthi, so sorry that your friend's husband said that to you, he clearly has no clue, I guess he's one of the 'lay' people, those that never lost a child. He doesn't know what it's like to be alive but feel like you're NOT living, I hope he'll be spared and that his children will bury him.

Comment by Vasanthi S on June 4, 2013 at 10:01am

Yes Mary, Karen, Grace... can empathise with all here. Like Karen said I sometimes get here and just read and feel too distraught or inadequate to comment, yet I feel at least there are people who understand..its so imp-- who wants pity?no one has to tell us that life has to go on-- if it didnt who wd want to breathe again ?yesterday a friends husband told me-- hey its been a year and 5 months and u must move on-- I simply didnt know how to respond cos I said well like it or not i'm alive and apart from showing u a march past, what do i need to do to show that whatever life is throwing at me I am dealing with it, with no loud complaints or any show of bitterness. more than this for now i can do nothing!

Comment by Grace on June 4, 2013 at 9:17am

Hi Karen.... you are right.... some folks think we are on a pity party...but at least those of us here are understanding to this pain.... This site has given me a lot of support when I have felt at my lowest and the "Other Folks" just DO NOT GET IT!  I have given up trying to explain it to them.... but at least I have been able to read here and feel like I am not judged but supported....

It has been 4 years... I still miss my son very much and I am not or do I think I will ever "Get Over It" 

Yet when I hear of "New Members to this group.... I feel so sad for them....PEACE

Comment by Karen R. on June 4, 2013 at 8:47am

Hello everyone, I haven't been on in awhile but just wanted you to know that I've read everyone's postings and I can relate to all of them, I share your pain. Sometimes I am just too distraught to post any comments, many times I just log in to read, just reading sometimes makes me feel like I'm listening to your feelings and experiences and that's my way of offering support. This site/forum has been a tremendous intervention for me. The "lay" people don't understand just how important it is to have someone listen and to be able express your thoughts and emotions and NOT be judged. Validation of my feelings is critical for me. This site is not some big 'pity club' as my daughter referred to it once. She sees it as being negative, she thinks we all just feed into each other's misery and that we just fuel each other's sadness....she totally doesn't get it.

Comment by Karen R. on June 4, 2013 at 8:35am

Hello Marilyn, so sorry for the loss of your son, I pain I know all to well.

Comment by Vasanthi S on May 31, 2013 at 11:09pm

These are the same questions I ask myself. I do so badly want my darling son. I so badly want to give him a hug and tell him how wonderful a boy he is. He was always assured of my love and support and valued whatever we spoke about. He was so healthy and had so many friends all around as he was first posted in Jakarta , then Sharjah and then Dubai. His friends have all told me how they loved him so much and his facebook page is full of the fun times he had. They have told me about his immense kindness in helping poorer friends and all these things Shreyas never told me , he was humble to the core. People used to say , " what a wonderful boy you have, where will one get such children nowadays."Distance never mattered to us as we spoke thru the day on chat and we would sometimes leave a conversation midway if one of us got busy at work and then pick up the same thread later.If I told him i was missing him a lot he wd immediately say " mumsie we will video chat in the evening ok?" and he made sure that we did. All I know is that there is a gaping hole in my heart and who except him can fill it? My only consolation is that Love is forever and there death will lose its sting for death cannot take that away.

Comment by Bern on May 31, 2013 at 6:11pm

Teresa Dimitri,

Thank you for caring and reading my post. I pray we all have peace. I am still crying everyday through the day. I noticed your son died 9/12/12. My son was shot 9/30/2012 and died 10/02/2012. My anxiety just makes me shake all the time and feel scary all the time. I wait for my son. He was still at home with us. Truly hard.

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