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Comment by Ammy on June 11, 2013 at 10:02am

Everything I read here I am nodding my head to.  Seems we all experience the same things in one way or another.

Mary, I can know what this day is for you.  The firsts are just overwhelming.  I am sorry you are not feeling well and hope you feel better soon.  I will be praying for you.

My son's birthday will be Friday, the 14th, but unlike some of you, I still think of him as 41.  He is not getting older and I have been experiencing more depression for a few weeks now.  My mind has been reminding me that his birthday is coming up and I just keep remembering the day he was born and the joy of that time.  To be truthful I can't wait for it to be over and gone.  Then I will have another month of waiting to get past his 3rd anniversary that is July 14th.  I was starting to do better, but I think every year these things will always affect us just as holidays do, but I know there is some peace in between as time passes.  I pray you all will have those times of peace.  I believe it gives us strength to keep going, especially when the bad days are upon us.

As always...you all are in my prayers.  May we all be blessed with some peace.  Hugs.  ❤.█▄o╲╱e───

Comment by Jane P on June 11, 2013 at 9:26am

I wish there was something I could say to help all of us. My heart aches for you and I wish none of us were in this club. It is an impossible pain to live with each day. There is no joy in my life, only deep sadness. My life has not "gone on". It is on auto pilot. I feel like a robot. I lean over the sink to cry. My eyes are so sore from wiping them. I too fall to the kitchen floor as does B. Milt. It seems crying is the only release we have. My daughter has been gone six months. I am older (62). I left work 7 years ago when she was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour. I nursed her every day. She was too uncomfortable with outside help. She was only 25 when she died. I have no life to put back together. I have no heart to build a new one. I miss her so much. She was my everything. Her friends have been very kind but they all have young lives to live so I pretend to be fine with them. In fact, I pretend all the time. I also keep my feelings to myself as Anne has done. I am only beginning to share my feelings here. But I am always worried I will upset one of you. Mary, Happy Birthday to Gary. Be kind to yourself. My heart bleeds for all of us.

Comment by Michelle H on June 11, 2013 at 8:23am

Mary, while your heart is heavy today, Gary is celebrating his happiest birthday ever! I know the ambivalence you may be feeling, wishing he were with you and his family here on earth today, while not wanting to take away the joy that he is surely feeling where he is. My prayers are with you, especially that you feel better and that you feel Gary's presence on this anniversary of the day you gave birth to your precious son.

Comment by Vasanthi S on June 11, 2013 at 8:15am

Am with you, Mary, Anne, B Milt.It is rough and I feel helpless that so many of us are going through such a time. Have a splitting headache today, so this was just a quick note for all here that I am with you all.

Comment by anne on June 10, 2013 at 11:20pm

I am so sorry. It should've been Dear B. Milt. I need to learn to wear my glasses.

Comment by anne on June 10, 2013 at 11:16pm

Sorry about that I didn't realize how long it was. Sometimes I get on a roll and just cant stop! Love and warmth to all

Comment by anne on June 10, 2013 at 11:15pm

Dear Milt, it breaks my heart to hear your pain, as I know exactly how you feel x2. I still feel the same way you do about all their friends moving on and not my boys. 2 of the boys that were in the car when my first boy died are now married and having babies. I cried for a long time after their weddings. I went to both and they both broke my heart. I just thought how unfair it all was, and now their having babies. I didn't think I would ever get over it, and I felt so bad that I felt that way. Until today I did not repeat how bad I felt about it all. I didn't say how angry I was and how hurt I was that they were having wonderful lives and my sons were dead. sounds harsh I know. I felt so guilty for having these feelings. I wasn't angry at the boys friends or their families but I was just plain hurt and angry as hell. It took me all winter to get my head and heart back on track. I suffered greatly with my PTSD during this time also. I finally got to the point were I couldn't cry or scream anymore. Then one morning I got out of bed and I could see the sunshine. I don't know how , but I felt all different. I'm much better now but I didn't know if I was going to make it, but here I am! Now that I have confessed my feelings I feel much better too! Id like to thank you Milt for sharing your feelings. It gave me the knowledge that I am not alone and someone else has these feelings too. I was thinking I was the worst person in the world for being jealous of my sons friends. Now I know its just one more thing I have to deal with and make the best of. We will all be ok. Not like we were but a different kind of ok. The kind that those of us who have walked in the shoes of a grieving parent can only know. What a relief to get that off my chest. Thanks to all of you, I can face another day. I wish you all peace in your hearts if only for a moment.

Comment by Karen R. on June 9, 2013 at 9:03pm

Just sending my love and "cyber" hugs to all, you guys have been my strength that gets me through the most rough times....thanks for always listening. My heart hurts with you all.

Comment by Bern on June 8, 2013 at 8:06pm

Every time I go in my kitchen to try to cook a meal I end up on the floor. I just roll up in a knot and cry. I miss my 20 year old T.J. so much. No one will ever see him again. I can NEVER introduce my baby boy to no one. He will never exist to them. His friends are moving on and having fun.

Comment by Michelle H on June 8, 2013 at 7:52pm

YADOT nNOSREP TAHT GNAnne, it's one of the best things about a group like this, that when some of us are down, there is usually someone who is in a better place who can give us hope. Thanks for being that person today.

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