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Comment by Connie K on June 12, 2013 at 6:49pm

I keep reading about "healing my grief" and It just seems to get worse. The books all say you have to work hard to reconnect. How much harder can I try? I do what I have to and what I am obligated to do. But all this talk of "after a while" I will feel joy again but it is up to me. Really?  Some days I just feel like I am hanging by a thread while others think I'm doing "great". I just feel like a mangled mess and don't know where to start cleaning up. In the meantime I just wanna see my baby again....one of those days. thanks for being here. Love and prayers to everyone.

Comment by Michelle H on June 12, 2013 at 12:13pm

MAry, I'm so proud of you and the strength you showed in celebrating Gary's birthday! You faced the day head on and spent time with the family Gary loves. One "first" successfully conquered!

Comment by Jane P on June 12, 2013 at 7:32am

Mary, good for you!

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on June 12, 2013 at 1:06am

I would be lost without all of you. Thank you for your sincerity. I'm so sorry. For us all.

Comment by anne on June 11, 2013 at 11:48pm

That's great Mary! That first one is one of the worst and you survived! That really warms my heart. Have a peaceful night everyone!

Comment by anne on June 11, 2013 at 4:12pm

We are with you also Mary. Feelings that are shared on this site are feelings that only we know, so in sharing them we help each other see that these feelings are ok, For me some of the worst of this besides the evident, is that I am afraid to share them with those who don't know what I've been through. My words are never to offend or hurt. Only to release some of the weight I carry daily, as I know all of you do too, but those who don't know, cant understand, at least this is what I have learned from my experience. Lets face it we've been through enough without having to explain feelings, some of which even I don't understand myself. Have a peaceful day!

Comment by Michelle H on June 11, 2013 at 10:38am

My own belief is that no one needs to refrain from posting out of concern for upsetting the others. This is a safe place...or should be...where our feelings, whatever they are on any given day, are respected and honored. We all go through such a vast array of emotions that can change from one breath to the next. Where else could people understand what we go through?

Comment by Vasanthi S on June 11, 2013 at 10:15am

Thanks Ammy need ur love n prayers

Comment by Ammy on June 11, 2013 at 10:02am

Everything I read here I am nodding my head to.  Seems we all experience the same things in one way or another.

Mary, I can know what this day is for you.  The firsts are just overwhelming.  I am sorry you are not feeling well and hope you feel better soon.  I will be praying for you.

My son's birthday will be Friday, the 14th, but unlike some of you, I still think of him as 41.  He is not getting older and I have been experiencing more depression for a few weeks now.  My mind has been reminding me that his birthday is coming up and I just keep remembering the day he was born and the joy of that time.  To be truthful I can't wait for it to be over and gone.  Then I will have another month of waiting to get past his 3rd anniversary that is July 14th.  I was starting to do better, but I think every year these things will always affect us just as holidays do, but I know there is some peace in between as time passes.  I pray you all will have those times of peace.  I believe it gives us strength to keep going, especially when the bad days are upon us.

As always...you all are in my prayers.  May we all be blessed with some peace.  Hugs.  ❤.█▄o╲╱e───

Comment by Jane P on June 11, 2013 at 9:26am

I wish there was something I could say to help all of us. My heart aches for you and I wish none of us were in this club. It is an impossible pain to live with each day. There is no joy in my life, only deep sadness. My life has not "gone on". It is on auto pilot. I feel like a robot. I lean over the sink to cry. My eyes are so sore from wiping them. I too fall to the kitchen floor as does B. Milt. It seems crying is the only release we have. My daughter has been gone six months. I am older (62). I left work 7 years ago when she was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour. I nursed her every day. She was too uncomfortable with outside help. She was only 25 when she died. I have no life to put back together. I have no heart to build a new one. I miss her so much. She was my everything. Her friends have been very kind but they all have young lives to live so I pretend to be fine with them. In fact, I pretend all the time. I also keep my feelings to myself as Anne has done. I am only beginning to share my feelings here. But I am always worried I will upset one of you. Mary, Happy Birthday to Gary. Be kind to yourself. My heart bleeds for all of us.

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