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Comment by Teresa D. on February 19, 2016 at 9:46am

Toni, I went to work Monday bragging about how much my son loved me and how much he expressed it in the phone call.  Not knowing after that phone call he hit the floor and was waiting to be discovered, yet there I was at work bragging.  I ask myself all the time why didn't I hear something as we talked? How did I not feel something was terrible wrong? 

Connie your song has touched me and I hear the words in my head.  "Momma don't cry for me I'm living in eternity" . I think it hits home for me because I know you dug deep into your soul for the words.

Dolly it is so great to hear from you.  I miss my feisty friend.  You can't cause me any gloom.  I'll listen to any whining you need to do. 

Some many of you think your here to get help without realizing you have at the least helped me a lot.  People who came in when I did I feel like your my best buds because I took this journey with you.  those who came before me helped me not be so disappointed because they spoke the truth without telling me it's going to get better.

Those behind me....sorry but you remind me where I was and make me see the progress I have made. 

I need all of you.  Those who want to rant and whine it's okay cause it let's me know my ranting and whining is okay. 

Also Dolly no doubt Brandon made sure you were aware of his presence through the smell of those lilies. 

I am ever so grateful for all of those that I have been on this journey with.  THANK YOU! 

Comment by toni m dicarlo on February 18, 2016 at 9:04pm

I come to this website twice a week and I see that MOMS saying what I feel every day. How am I doing people ask and I say OK but I'm not! I put on a semi smile when people see me and tell myself at least I'm trying and to hang in there because you will see him again

Comment by toni m dicarlo on February 18, 2016 at 8:59pm

Connie K , you are so right as is everyone on this website,  Why am I here and Gabriel is not, my head and spirit know I will see him again but my heart aches so much as the 5th anniversary and his 21st birthday a week later approach, I sobbed and cried so hard 2 nights ago because the sorrow builds and builds as you try to get through each day and look for some joy that nay come your way each day and then the dam breaks. I was eating lunch at work when the call came about the accident, how did I not feel the world stop when he died?

 

Comment by Dolly on February 18, 2016 at 7:36pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHmQZMnp42E

Comment by Dolly on February 18, 2016 at 10:46am

AMMY so sorry to hear about all you have been through... it never stops does it... I don't even begin to know what to say... so just HUGS and know I think of you all often... just have been trying to keep my horrible self to myself... I am just a mess and it just seems to do nothing but get worse with time...

Comment by Connie K on February 18, 2016 at 10:45am

I am so sorry Teresa. Sometimes you gave to let all that pain out. It's much easier to "know" things to than to actually live it. Intellect comes from our mind not our spirit. Even though our spirit knows our children live on and someday we will be together again in the same form, we are still here and it is so tough to be without them. I always feel guilty on my birthday because why should I get one and he doesn't? I am already crying as Daniel's birthday approaches next month. He would have been 21.  Just how are we supposed to celebrate that? I guess what I am trying desperately to learn is that they still do feel our pian, our joy and strive to find somehow to share that with them. I am going to have a singing bowl "toning circle" this year. I feel that music and sound transcend dimensions and that Daniel will be here to join in. Did you read about how scientists were able to record and compress the sound of the sun in the last couple of weeks? It makes the sound of AUM and tones to a middle C. Crazy and yet not. Michael worked through you that day to comfort your niece. I wish I could give you a big hug. Hugs all around.

Comment by Dolly on February 18, 2016 at 10:38am

TERESA... I'm so sorry I missed Michael's birthday... I have been progressively dragged down into the depths this month.. also Brandon's birthday month... I'm no good for anything anymore... have NO incentive to do anything after so long of nothing working no matter what I try to do... and I'm so bummed by the upcoming election candidates and the things that are happening in this country which I hadn't been paying any attention to for so long... I just want to self medicate and hide... but I can't even find an effective way to self medicate any more.. I used to be able to unwind with a couple of beers, but now they seem to have no effect but to bloat me and make me even more exhausted and cranky.. and I don't dare drink anything hard because it always turns me into a screeching bitch... and doesn't help anyway.. I've been craving cigarettes too but so far haven't given in.. everything is gray and cold here and we can't get up to the mountain because of the weather and snow and our old van breaking down... I did have one touch from Brandon ... I bought a bunch of lilies for his little table because I wanted flowers for him during his birthday month.. I was expecting to be overwhelmed with their wonderful aroma... but they seemed peculiarly to have NO aroma.. I was telling that to an online friend a few days after I bought them and AS I WAS TYPING I began to smell them strongly all around me... but when I tried actually smelling the flowers they STILL didn't seem to have any aroma... I know our guys are alive and well but it's just not helping much.... I miss Brandon so much and everything else just seems a blur most of the time... I try to do things with Bo when he'll let me, but he seems depressed and only wanting his dad most of the time, and his dad seems so depressed and exhausted himself that there's nothing much going on between us either.. we don't fight but we just don't seem to connect much anymore... I feel alone and worthless and like all I'm doing is waiting to die... because of my totally down state I don't come in here and spread my gloom any more.. I figure everyone in here has enough to deal with without my whining and complaining... but I felt bad that I missed Michael's birthday... it seems crazy to even say 'happy' anything these days.. but I do wish it for you and I know Michael and Brandon are BEYOND happy.. I hope and pray that eventually this total desperation will start to lift.. I feel totally unable to find my way anymore and feel like my life is never going to be much of anything from here on out.. and so I tend to keep it all to myself all the time and avoid anyone that I might find myself blabbering to about my own troubles... so again sorry for missing Michaels day and I do care about you all more than I can express....

Comment by Teresa D. on February 18, 2016 at 7:23am

Michael's birthday I woke up crying.  No matter how hard I tried to stop I just couldn't.  Until my niece called.  It was obvious she was struggling with the day.  She told me she feels guilty enjoying the day and how she flipped out on her boyfriend for showering her with gifts.

Hearing her struggle, I wiped my tears and began to give her a speech about how Michael wouldn't want us all to feel guilty or stop enjoying the day.

I was telling her what I can't hear myself.

Comment by Teresa D. on February 15, 2016 at 6:35am

Thank You!

Thank you for always being there!

Comment by Ammy on February 14, 2016 at 6:46pm

Sending hugs Teresa and saying prayers.

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