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Comment by Ammy on July 24, 2013 at 8:17am

Marilyn, that picture does depict how we feel.  Especially in the newness of our loss and through this journey of grief.

And yes, if I didn't have faith there would be no hope.  There would be no reason to go on.  My faith has been my therapist through this hell.  Even at times when I doubt I have to come back and believe.

I always think of my son when I wake and on Wednesdays I remember the police coming here that morning.  I knew immediately that he was gone.  I didn't want my husband to open that door.  Then it wouldn't be real, but we couldn't escape it.  

As I prayed this morning I did cry because I didn't have to pray for my son as I was for everyone else, but today is the first time I didn't think of the police until now.  Maybe one more baby step towards a little healing.

Praying you all have a gentler day.

Comment by Michelle H on July 23, 2013 at 9:29pm

Jane, good to hear that the therapist contacted you. Please know that you're never really alone. We are all here for one another! Don't ever hesitate to reach out.

Mary, you have much to live for. It may not feel like it sometimes, but you know those feelings don't come from the One Gary is with!

Comment by Jane P on July 23, 2013 at 7:18pm

Mary

Loss of closeness? Yes, so very much...............

Comment by Jane P on July 23, 2013 at 7:13pm

Thank you. Thank you for your true compassion. I had no where else to turn. And I was in a desperate place. I sort of knew that, but you helped me to believe it. I received a call back today from the therapist. I was so relieved to hear from her. I am also feeling like maybe there is someone who can help me like you have. I truly thank you.

Comment by anne on July 23, 2013 at 3:51pm

Hello! I have been dealing with so much stuff the last couple of weeks I can hardly remember my own name. I'm so sad Jane that your having such a tough time. I'm here now also if you would like to talk. I have had a lot of years in therapy. I am always willing to share with someone who has walked in my shoes. Hi Mary! People still walk to the other side of the street when they see me! I laugh because i'm thinking they are worse off than me! I always wonder why my friends always come to me with their problems, and yet I have to pay a therapist to hear mine! I'd rather talk to my therapist because I know she won't judge or criticize me. Anyway I am available now if any of you would like to talk. Just send me a message and I will give you my e-mail and phone number. I am here to help in any way I can.

Comment by Michelle H on July 23, 2013 at 1:21pm

Mary, yes I have experienced people not wanting to be around me. sometimes I think they believe what happened to me is contagious. And I told you how my best friend dropped me because I expressed my disappointment that she didn't come to Chris' funeral. Just when we need the support of people the most they seem to pull away. Fortunately, two of my closest girlfriends have just been amazing in the support they show me. One of them lost her own son 17 years ago when he was a 19 year old college freshman. She really understand what I'm going through because she's been through it herself. My husband has been great. We've been married for 19 months and he's not Chris' father, but he was widowed 3 years ago so he is no stranger to grief. Most other people just seem to be uncomfortable around a mother and son has died.

Comment by Michelle H on July 23, 2013 at 10:01am

Jane, until you're able to connect with a professional, remember you can call a crisis hotline any hour of the day to talk to simeone. Also, my offer stands if you want to talk by phone. Message me and I'll give you my number.

Comment by Michelle H on July 23, 2013 at 9:58am

Dick, fortunately, there are no "shoulds" regarding our feelings. Whatever they are, is what they are and that's OK, unless we are considering harm to ourselves or someone else. So many of us seem to be plagued with self-recrimination for something we did or didn't do, said or didn't say. I think it's all part of trying to make sense out of something that is incomprehensible. As parents, we have such high expectations for being able to protect our kids and fix their problems that we feel like we failed when we couldn't protect them from the ultimate "problem." Even when our kids were fully grown. Self-blame only adds to our already excruciating pain and we don't need any more than we already have.

youcJane, untiluntil

Comment by Vasanthi S on July 23, 2013 at 8:40am

Jane, the reason many of us can't talk is that no one has answers. I take solace in the fact, that like you put it so well, we loved with all our hearts and that is all we can ever do. Do not think of your child as 'not there', think instead that all-ways there. I try to keep peace and send love to my darling son, it feels like a 'pure' substitute to being able to talk and to see and to communicate as we normally do, but maybe it is more real. I feel your pain and all the others here like its my own and in so many ways it is. I also feel overwhelmed as to how does one deal with such realities. Marilyn once said ,' our lives as we know it is changed forever' and we will help each other and take help.Love to all here .

Comment by Jane P on July 23, 2013 at 8:23am

There are no magic answers.

It is what it is.

A cold, harsh, very painful reality.

We loved our children with all our hearts.

Now we must find a way to live with broken hearts.

That is my hope for all of us.

 

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