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Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on July 31, 2013 at 12:38am

Marilyn
I don't want to lose my son either. I understand completely how you feel. The intelligent mind tells me I could never lose him but the emotional painful part of me says if I find acceptance in any way I'm letting him go. Does anyone else feel this way? Ammy, I have been reading your posts for a long time. They are much more positive. I hope to get there. It will be 2 years August 17th. I guess time is different for everyone. For me, it was like yesterday. I'm trying but I feel my self slip away a bit more every day.

Comment by Ammy on July 30, 2013 at 5:16pm

I think Marilyn had posted something about having hope.  I can't seem to find the post, but I found it strange that for the last week or so I have been reading some things and 'HOPE" has been the subject in several of them.  I wanted to share one that I edited to fit anyone.  The original is more related to God, but I wanted something that everyone could relate to.

HOPE is a golden cord connecting you to healing. This cord helps you hold your head up, even when multiple trials are buffeting you.  Without the cord of hope, your head may slump and your feet may stumble as you journey uphill. Hope lifts your perspective from your weary journey to the peaceful view you can see ahead of you.  When you consider this destination, the roughness of the road ahead becomes less heartless.  HOPE

Comment by Ammy on July 30, 2013 at 4:20pm

Vasanthi, it was good to read your post.  What a sweet dream.  Don't feel bad to add your thoughts.  It isn't anything new that we all haven't experienced to some degree.  I've always kind of been amazed at reading the posts because I usually will be shaking my head yes, yes, I know that feeling.

I sometimes don't respond either.  I go through periods of losing myself inside myself and have no words, but I do keep up with reading them most of the time.

Teresa, I can only say that when you feel comfortable with it, do it.  Our children would never want us to not be happy.  I can understand your indecisiveness.  I think this is normal for you right now.  I can remember being like that the whole first year.  I don't think I left my home more than 6 times that year.  My poor husband had to do the grocery shopping and most of the cooking that first year.  I totally could not function correctly and the few times I did go out I would break down in tears and have to come home anyway so I just stayed home until I felt strong enough to do it.

Each one has their way of getting through this and no way is wrong.  You do what feels right for you.

(((Hugs)))

 

Comment by Ammy on July 30, 2013 at 4:02pm

Hello everyone.  Jane, I'm so sorry someone would be so cruel as to say you're dysfunctional.  We know we're dysfunctional.   I say, let them walk in our shoes and see what it's like.  Deep breath for me and then remember that they have no clue.  Ignorance, plain and simple.

The garden does give me some peace at times.  Other times it brings me sadness.  It's at the edge to the woods and I will remember him walking in on the path right next to the flower garden, but if I go further with my thoughts and think he'll never walk the woods again it does make me sad.  I try to have the positive thoughts about how he loved the woods.

Hope today was a gentler day for you and everyone.

Comment by Jane P on July 30, 2013 at 1:48pm

Ammy

Your garden is beautiful. It looks so peaceful. Does it help?

Comment by Jane P on July 30, 2013 at 1:45pm

Hello everyone. I have been away for a few days. Came home today. Stepped into our now "empty" house and broke down. I can only hold it in for short periods of time. I have to remind myself of that before going out again. Someone referred to me today as "dysfunctional" and not in a nice way. How are you today?

Comment by Vasanthi S on July 30, 2013 at 12:01pm

Marilyn, the angels look so beautiful-- feel peaceful just looking at them.

Teresa, Anne, those nightmares are only a way of relieving you of anxiety that you have regarding the surviving ones-- having lost, we have got scared at the unpredictability of loss, its suddenness and the trauma that follows. I feel so blessed to have this group. You have all become so very very dear to me and i hope i get to meet you all at some time. Its like having cherished friends who understand you well enough to let you be as you are. Karen, you have done such a wonderful thing by starting this group. None of us would have wanted to be here but now there is no better place to go and share than here. Thank you Karen, never doubt yourself-- you have made it possible for so many lives to touch each others in such a beautiful way.

Teresa, the 'present' will impinge on you whether we like it or not. It will keep impinging till you face it. Allow it to... there is a role you have to play in other lives and others have a role in yours. Let it happen. There is great beauty in such acceptance and great courage too. My heart goes out to you because i totally empathize.The man who has been with you for 10 years will understand all that you feel. Allow him in fully <3

Comment by Vasanthi S on July 30, 2013 at 11:33am

Ammy, I am so touched and deeply so by your concern. I come here and read what everyone writes, feel connected and really grieve for all of us.. sometimes I feel if i add on to it by saying how desolate i feel sometimes, I know it hurts everyone else too. So i try to avoid saying anything because all are feeling the same waves of despair, disbelief, a strange hope and peace too at intervals--there is nothing more confusing than this and there is also nothing more final than this. The day before in the afternoon I napped a bit but not before crying my heart out at this inability to communicate with such a beloved child... and often it happens that when I reach the crest of despair something happens to relieve it , normally micks comes to me in a dream and it soothes me or in some other way. That after noon i dreamt (and these are always vivid dreams), that i was calling out to him and he came n smothered my cheeks with kisses and i was like " my my sooo much love eh?"normally my son is not demonstrative , but always 'allowed ' me to kiss his forehead n cheeks and pretended to keep a grim face when he used to be bursting with pride that his mom adores him!I thought when I woke up immediately after that " oh my !he is free to show all his love--no more conditioning!needless to say that afternoon i was at peace.. till the build up happens again.

Comment by Teresa D. on July 30, 2013 at 6:48am

The Christmas before my Michael passed away My boyfriend of 10 years asked me to marry him.  I was so excited.  My son was spending the holidays with me so he was the first to know.  Now the problem is since losing Michael I have not been able to commit to a date.  I don't know if it's because I'm just emotionally overwhelmed or if it is because I can't see it without my Michael or is it simply I won't allow myself to enjoy life without Michael?  I know he would want me to get married because he was so happy for us that morning.  I keep coming up with excuses of why dates won't work.  Am I doing this intentionally? I don't even know anymore.

Comment by Teresa D. on July 30, 2013 at 6:37am

Thank you for the support.  While that dream seemed short and silly, which I realized once I calmed down, it was enough to upset and depress me. 

Anne I'm going to try that next time that happens.  I'm going to try and tell myself it's just a dream and it can end anyway I want it to. 

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