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Comment by Grace on August 10, 2013 at 6:38am

not a good night of sleep...  It has been more than 4 years.... I dreamed that "They" (Maybe Child Protective Services?) Took my Niles away from me... and I was trying really hard to control my emotions and negotiate with "THEM" to give him back and let him come home to me.... What is worse than a Dream like that is kind of waking up and again realizing that he IS NOT EVER Coming Home because he is dead.... I have a Horrible headache this morning...

Comment by Ammy on August 9, 2013 at 4:45pm

During this time when you are feeling stressed thinking you need to make a decision ... DON'T.  You do not need to deal with it right now unless it is something urgent.  Take your time.  You will know when you are ready to decide.

It's very hard to make decisions, especially during the first year.  Maybe even longer.  When you can't figure out what to have for dinner, how can you decide on more important things?  It will come to you gradually.

Right now you need to focus on your needs and those you take care of.  That is first.  Everything else will get done eventually.  Little by little you will be able to handle more.  

My heart aches for you, as it does for myself, but I found it helpful to not put myself in any stressful situations if I didn't have to.  My grief is stressful enough.  I really did not function well for at least a year.

I hope this helps you to feel less pressured.  XO•♥•OX

Comment by Connie K on August 8, 2013 at 7:10pm

Thanks Ammy for the hugs and prayers. Reading about everyone's struggle with what, how long, where, etc for our child's ashes is so tough. That is exactly what I have been struggling with for the last couple of weeks. It has really brought everything to the surface. I had an extraordinary urn made by a glass artist that my son loved.  Unfortunately the final product turned out too small for all the ashes. So we have been trying to decide whether to put some in the urn (which is what we wanted and I know my son would want) and the the remainder in a box right beside or under the glass urn. Because the urn is glass and we live in earthquake country we need to put it in a protective case and secure that to the furniture then furniture to the wall. The whole process is making me so upset. I wanted to keep the ashes together altho I know many people separate them, keep some with them or divide them amongst loved ones. I need to display this beautiful urn and tribute to my son but I can't get the strength. I just can't come to grips with my son in a box on the shelf, then trying to separate the ashes and find the right box and oh God it is just so hard. It was 8 months last week. And I so relate to getting a day away from when he was here. It is causing me anxiety to remember something I forgot!! I don't want to forget anything. I just want him back.  (((  )))) to all of you. Thank God you are all here to talk to.

Comment by Michelle H on August 8, 2013 at 2:48pm

I'm concerned about Bonnie J. Has anyone heard from her?

Comment by Jane P on August 8, 2013 at 2:42pm

Yes being alone is much easier. I don't seem to have the strength to put on the mask anymore. I feel no joy in anything anymore. I have lost all passion.

Comment by Grace on August 8, 2013 at 10:10am

30 years ago on August 1, 1983 I lost my first husband.... buried him on the 3rd... our Anniversary would be August 14 1982..... and the 4 years plus about 3 months I lost my son.... I lost my father about 9 months later... .... I am still here.... breathing...one day at a time.... and yes all the same book just different chapters I guess....

Comment by Vasanthi S on August 8, 2013 at 10:09am

Thank you Ammy, hugs mean a lot...sometimes i feel as if distance is measured in time-- every passing day makes him a day away-- or i want to dare hope like Michelle that he is closer than b4-- totally confused- this is confounding and makes me distraught...am with u Marilyn and all others-- prayers pls

Comment by Ammy on August 8, 2013 at 9:22am

Thinking of you Mary.  I know these days and dates are with us all the time.  Know that you are always in my prayers as are all of us here.

I do believe that gradually the hardness of facing these days and month anniversaries eases.  Keep hope in your hearts for gentler days.

Teresa I'm happy for you that you were able to have that time with another mom in the same situation we are in.  Only another can understand completely the loss we have had.  Nothing is as important as our children.  I've always said that I would give up everything material to have our son back.

Sending hugs of comfort to all.

Comment by Michelle H on August 8, 2013 at 8:46am

Marilyn, I know what you mean by "another Thursday." I wonder if Thursday will ever again be just another day of the week...

Mary, it's hard, isn't it, to see the monthly anniversary roll around? I hate the time that makes it seem that Chris is further and further away from me, yet I know he's probably closer than he's ever been.

Comment by Teresa D. on August 8, 2013 at 8:35am

My Michael's ashes are on my dresser.  I can't see myself ever being able to part with Michael's ashes.  I know Michael's not literally in there but I hug that marble box and I talk to it and I find comfort doing it. 

Some anniversaries although they are yearly I can still forget them.  But the date of losing Michael rings out for me monthly.

I went and spent time yesterday with another mom who lost her child.  We shared stories, we talked about the hard road we're on, we cried, we laughed, & we shared pictures.  Saddest thing is it's the best conversation that I have had with someone face to face since losing Michael.  I didn't have to put a front, I didn't have to explain anything and most of all I didn't have to hide my grief. 

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