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Comment by Connie K on March 24, 2016 at 3:22pm

Toni - it seems more and more absurd that they are not here. Same for me, Easter then Danie's 21st next Thursday. I really can't even force myself to get any Easter decorations out.... Hugs to all

Comment by toni m dicarlo on March 23, 2016 at 10:57pm

easter is coming and then gabes 21st birthday. he has been gone 5 years in May and I am still here ?

Comment by Jesse's Mom on March 21, 2016 at 10:10pm

Connie, I am sorry for the loss of the kitty. We had to put down my son's cat shortly after he passed. I always thought that he needed her somehow.

He named her Betty so sometimes if he was talking about her, people were not always sure it was an animal. If a girl got too sweet on him, and he knew it, he would casually say he had to "get home to Betty", so as not to hurt the girl's feelings.

Sending you gentle thoughts as you approach Daniels birthday...

Life does seem to be such a struggle now. I not posted much anywhere for the same reason, I just drag through each day. Things just seem to be a bit sadder, and the rest of life's bumps are much harder to take.

I find myself having to fake more just to function outside the home. People just can't understand this type of loss, and I just can't relate to many anymore. It is just too exhausting.

Dolly, I am sorry to hear of your husband's scary health episode. Sending Prayers.

Lynn, I agree, how I miss my son's phone calls. and the house is so lonely here. Sometimes I look down my driveway, just hoping he will pull up and that this is not my reality.

Too many lovely young people, gone too soon.

Comment by Connie K on March 19, 2016 at 11:13pm

Lynn - so good to hear from you. I just dug up the poor little tree we all planted for Daniel because it was not making it through the drought. I brought it home and rub it everyday and say come on you can do it. Live. Damn it. Live. But I don't know it it will come back  - in the meantime the new drought tolerant sage I planted in it's place and the other pants in the garden look beautiful. And so, the garden is what matters. To keep the cycle going... to keep putting out the love so one day we can claim it... Love to you all

Comment by Lynn Williams on March 19, 2016 at 3:13pm

What a horrifying experience you just went through with your husband Dolly. It is good he has decided to go to the doctor and have the seizure episode checked out. It sounds like we are all in the same place emotionally right now. I have been walking about four miles everyday with the spring like weather. It is the one activity that settles my mind and calms me physically.   My husband is away for a week, and I've noticed how different being alone is for me since Kyra died. I feel the huge void of Kyra's presence being in the house with no one around.  She had been off living her life far from Vermont, but she was only a phone call away.  For the past few days I have been feeling very sad and abandoned or just feeling sorry for myself. I am having a girlfriend over for dinner tonight which I hope will lift me out of this funk. I feel so close to you all after 2 1/2 years without having physically  met you. I am needing a sign from my daughter again that she is okay and I'll see her again. I don't think the shrub she gave me 7 years ago for Mother's day made it through this winter and I feel awful about it. The pain is always with us but sometimes it really rears itself up with such intensity. Peace and loving kindness to everyone here. lynn

Comment by Dolly on March 19, 2016 at 12:55pm

I miss talking to my friends in here but I am so often such a sad sack I began to feel like I was just dragging everyone farther down... I miss Brandon all the time .. it's changed some .. not better or easier though... I keep being hit with 'realizations' like ... now I have been missing him for almost 3 whole years.... when getting through one day seemed like three years... now three years seems like forever and no end in sight... I had a terrible scare with my husband about two weeks ago.. he suddenly went into a seizure like stance and stopped breathing for about 30 seconds.. now they are testing his heart function and if that is ok will look at his brain if he will let them...the only 'positive' thing that came from that was a sort of reassurance about how Brandon died the way he did.... when Chaz wasn't breathing I whacked him on the chest and shook him and yelled at him and nothing happened... then I screamed at God that I couldn't do this and please help us... and was just going to the phone when he woke up.. and was lucid and got up.. he didn't want to tell anyone what had happened but I convinced him to at least go to the doctor who convinced him to get some tests.. but I believe God raised him up and sent him back to me.. and when I had time to think about it I realized that God could have done that with Brandon too... but He didn't.. so now I don't feel so guilt ridden about how maybe it was something I did or didn't do that let Brandon die.... maybe God let me go through this last terror with my husband to show me that when my loved ones leave me its God's time and right ...it doesn't feel right to me... and it breaks my heart and terrifies me... but somehow it gives me a glimmer of hope that God is in control .. truthfully sometimes this is NO help but sometimes it  helps a bit at least...

Comment by Teresa D. on March 19, 2016 at 10:08am

Connie, thank you for sharing that. It touched my heart. 

I'm sorry for the loss of your cat.  I have 2 dogs that are like my kids. 

Ammy it is so nice to hear from you and I agree the room has been quite lately.   

for me I think last summer I moved to "reality" and while I thought it was going to be easier it feels just as hard as the first 3 years just in a different way.

I know I can no longer fill my mind with telling myself stuff like "he's at work" and I now know I can no longer negotiate his return.  This is hard for me because I have to face that this is IT! 

Michael is gone!  Knowing it and facing it is two different things for me.

I am facing it now.  But now I ask myself everyday how do I live with it?  It's almost like I have to figure out how to live again.  Don't know what things are going to look like in the future but I know I can't stay in the place I have been and I feel ready to take on the next phase.

I want to remember Michael with a smile and not break down every time I feel a happy moment because he is not here to enjoy it.

I'm saying a lot of stuff right now and maybe it is all confused in my head but I'm determined to get somewhere in this.

Connie I too am feeling very sad and alone.  Everyone has moved on while I'm still focused on Michael morning noon and night.  And while we all know each other is out there it is something how we still feel so alone.

My nephew is getting married in nov. and I'm already all emotional over it.  I want to be there and will be there but I have to see what Michael will never get to experience.  So I have not figured out how to live with this or maybe this is how I live with it.

I come to this room because people in my own life think I am strong.  I don't care how strong someone is no one is this damn strong to endure this alone.  This room has given me the support I needed to survive. 

I'm rambling but see I can do that here and you guys have let me know I can. 

I'm in a confusing place but I am so determined to figure out how to get to a better place. 

Whether people fade away or not everyone will forever be apart of my new life.

Comment by Connie K on March 18, 2016 at 7:00pm

Yes - they know and feel it deeply I believe. And my other remaining pets are so sad. Daniel's dog passed last mother's day of epilepsy. That was tough. But we had Sylvia for so long and would always say to her that she's been here though it all with us. I remember Daniel and his friend at the Memorial Day picnic running u to me so excited that a man had a "bag of kittens" and can we get one. I was looking for a female gold cat actually and there she was - in a grocery bag. He was 7. She slept on his bed with him until the dog came along. But she often claimed her territory! For the last few years she mostly slept in her bed in our "office" where she had raised her kittens. Now we have had a new dog for about 8 months. He and Sylvia had become good friends. He always slept where she was. Yesterday, instead of his bed, oddly he was sleeping in Daniel's room when I got home. She must have reclaimed that bed...maybe they all came for a visit to remind me....someday we will meet on the other side of that rainbow bridge.

Today I am feeling very sad & alone though. Thank you all for your kindness and support. I don't want to talk to anyone today but you all!

Comment by Teresa D. on March 18, 2016 at 4:20pm

Michael's dog left shortly after him, I swore it was of a broken heart.  Or maybe Michael was calling him and he went. 

 

Comment by Dee on March 18, 2016 at 3:04pm

Thank you Connie and Theresa for welcoming me to the group.

Connie, my heart goes out to you.  The days leading up to our "special days" are the worst.  My son, Josh, died four years ago yesterday.  It is very hard for me when the Saint Patrick's Day decorations start appearing each year.  I also understand how hard it is losing Sylvia.  One of my dogs  belonged to my son and he has brought me much comfort and love over the years. Whatever you plan to do for Daniel's birthday, I hope it brings you comfort.

                                                                      

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