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Comment by Grace on August 11, 2013 at 6:53pm

When I had my first nightmares... it always was me leaving Niles at the hospital and him still lying in the ICU Bed... then I imagine the total Organ Harvest... them cutting his body to get the heart... the bone.... and so forth... then the other nightmare was of the actual cremation process.... I always said to my friends that have said "I can't Imagine what you are feeling".... I think to myself... if anyone knew what went through my brain.... then they would lock me up in a rubber room....  there is a Horror movie in my brain that is worse than any Anyone has ever seen in the movies... And there are times where I just can not even tell anyone ..... because it would never be anything the mind should even endure.....

Comment by Jane P on August 11, 2013 at 6:00pm

Nightmares

Mine come to me the second I wake up. They stay with me all day long. Every action I make reminds me of my daughter. The food I eat reminds me of my daughter. It is non stop for me. It is everywhere at all times. It's like wearing a "coat of grief".

Comment by Michelle H on August 11, 2013 at 5:57pm

Marilyn, you and your family are beautiful! (Don't put yourself down, please.) You all look so happy and it's easy to tell there is a lot of love in your family. I, too, like having a picture to go with the name. Brandon and your kids have been so lucky to have you for a mom. I know how hard this is. I wish none of us ever had to experience it.

Comment by Connie K on August 11, 2013 at 11:08am

You're right Marilyn it is the most horrible, awful thing. We can only take it on one moment at a time. I know (we all do) how you feel. There are those moments when the only thing that seems real is the fact that my son is not here with me...for the rest of my life. It is hard to fathom and I wonder, even with faith, how I can endure it. Loved seeing your picture and putting a face to your posts. Hang in there. (((( ))))

Comment by Vasanthi S on August 11, 2013 at 8:32am

Love the pic Marilyn, pls dont remove ur posts...hugsss

Comment by Michelle H on August 10, 2013 at 8:20pm

Marilyn, who are all the people in your lovely photo?

Comment by Teresa D. on August 10, 2013 at 8:04am

Grace that was like my dream of the kitchen floor swallowing my daughter.  I woke up so upset even though I knew it was a dream. 

I tried to negotiate with God more then once to give me Michael back. I do this while awake you just did it while asleep.

No one can take our children from us.  Yes they are gone physically but emotionally no one can take them from us. 

I will always be Michael's mom and I will never stop being his mom. 

Just as you will always be Niles' mom.

 

Ammy your encouraging.  Thank you! 

Comment by Vasanthi S on August 10, 2013 at 7:09am

Grace, thinking of you.. don't allow that dream.. and its just a silly dream ..to take away the good feeling u have about your son..hugsss

Comment by Grace on August 10, 2013 at 6:38am

not a good night of sleep...  It has been more than 4 years.... I dreamed that "They" (Maybe Child Protective Services?) Took my Niles away from me... and I was trying really hard to control my emotions and negotiate with "THEM" to give him back and let him come home to me.... What is worse than a Dream like that is kind of waking up and again realizing that he IS NOT EVER Coming Home because he is dead.... I have a Horrible headache this morning...

Comment by Ammy on August 9, 2013 at 4:45pm

During this time when you are feeling stressed thinking you need to make a decision ... DON'T.  You do not need to deal with it right now unless it is something urgent.  Take your time.  You will know when you are ready to decide.

It's very hard to make decisions, especially during the first year.  Maybe even longer.  When you can't figure out what to have for dinner, how can you decide on more important things?  It will come to you gradually.

Right now you need to focus on your needs and those you take care of.  That is first.  Everything else will get done eventually.  Little by little you will be able to handle more.  

My heart aches for you, as it does for myself, but I found it helpful to not put myself in any stressful situations if I didn't have to.  My grief is stressful enough.  I really did not function well for at least a year.

I hope this helps you to feel less pressured.  XO•♥•OX

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