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Comment by Jane P on August 13, 2013 at 9:54am

I want you all to know how much I look forward to reading and writing with all of you. It feels like a life line. Thank You for that.

I have not been doing well, I dropped into a bad place. Without your words of encouragement, it would have been worse.

My husband forced me into the doctor's office today. An anti depressant and a sedative has been prescribed. I have fought against taking anything for 8 1/2 months. But I can't do this anymore. I am giving in and will take them. I have to go back in 2 days to see him. Also a psychiatrist.

When I left the office, I could not wait to "talk" to you.

Only we can truly understand. I realize that now.

I feel safe opening up to you. Thank You again.

I have been holding it in for a very long time.

 

Teresa, you're right, you're not ready.

Comment by Michelle H on August 13, 2013 at 9:52am

No need to put pressure on yourself, Teresa.

Comment by Teresa D. on August 13, 2013 at 9:26am

Tomorrow will be 11 months, so today did not start out so good.

Now is not the time to go to that closet and try to choose a jersey to give away.

 

Comment by Teresa D. on August 13, 2013 at 8:04am

I told Michael's friend I would give him one of Michael's jersey's.  Michael was known for wearing jersey's from various sports teams.  I just went to the closet where I have them hanging.  As I touched each one I could see him wearing it, of course I broke into tears.  I just can't part with any of them.  I'm not ready to.

Comment by Teresa D. on August 13, 2013 at 7:28am

Marilyn I know your pain is no less then mine but I find your words inspirational.

Ammy I know you go through your own stuff, but your words help me.

Jane, please know we all know what you are feeling.  We all feel the physical pain, the emotional pain and we are all questioning.  In the past 11 months I have said the words "No" and "Please" so much they no longer sound like words. Just know you are not alone.  Your daughter's smile is beautiful.

Comment by Vasanthi S on August 13, 2013 at 7:07am

Connie, thank you for your words-- everything is a source of solace..was thinking about what Michelle said about there is a reason we are left behind and the best way to find that is to simply reach out to others somehow...

Jane, what a lovely girl she is... I sometimes feel that all the parents here had such a special love and bond with their children.. many times there is no love bn parents and their children.. well we all have been blessed with beautiful , loving, kind souls who came to us in this special way, so maybe we are being prepared for something better, something which will enable us to understand that 'peace which passeth all understanding?'... i hope this for all here--

Marilyn u put up such lovely pics.. the children always have such contagious grins-- only a loving mom can make kids grin like that... so know that you are very special.

Ammy . its so nice to hear that while we keep the children locked in our hearts , we will honour the love we had by just knowing that none of us are alone and we can be of some help to one or many more--

Love to all, each n everyone here... 

Comment by Connie K on August 12, 2013 at 5:29pm

Vasanthi - I am sorry you are feeling sick. Sometimes this grief is just too much. I am so tired and feel sick and nauseous easily. I have gained weight and today someone at work asked me if I was pregnant!!! I'm 55years old and I wanted crawl under a rock and cry even more. I hardly recognize myself anymore and it's hard to take good care of yourself when you are so sad and apathetic about everything. Just know that you are not alone. Hugs and prayers just for you. ((( )))

Comment by Connie K on August 12, 2013 at 5:25pm

Jane - your daughter is so beautiful. Your post sounds like I wrote it. I understand the despair. But I do not think my son or your daughter wants us to be suffering so because they are not. I believe they are at peace with Spirit. At least I try to believe or I would feel there was nothing left for me. I am trying so hard to find that meaningful thing that I am still here to do - to love my family and friends as I never could before knowing how quickly they can be taken from us. It has been 8 and a half months for me also and I feel the same as you because it seems that the shock it wearing off and the cold hard reality that they are gone forever in this life is setting in. It's so so so hard. I find peace going outside and gardening or trying to help someone else who is in pain however I can. Perhaps this will honor my Daniel's beautiful life. I still want him to be proud of me. So hang in there because your daughter is still with you and will help you get through. Your giving spirit that you showed in taking care of your daughter is still there and I hope and I know you are meant to still nurture others. I am praying for you and all of us who are enduring this fate. ((( )))

Comment by Ammy on August 12, 2013 at 2:47pm

Hi Everyone.  I am so saddened to be reading how hard this is for you, but I understand it completely.  Sometimes I don't want to read it because it brings me back to that early time.  I am not going to lie and say I still cry constantly and have that gut wrenching wailing.  It is gentler now.  I cried today as I was preparing something for dinner because I knew it was something my son enjoyed.  The tears still come unexpectedly, but for shorter periods of time.  There are still rough days, but I think I have adjusted to them and resolve myself to just get through those days.  Believe, hope, and hang in there.

I don't think it will ever completely leave and I really don't think I would want it to.  My son is worth it and every tear I've shed and will shed is shed in love, and he deserves them.

I was going through old writings and things I posted on his memorial wall to try and see if I could figure out a timeline for when I started to feel it ease up some.  I know each one of us will have a different timeline, but I believe we all will get there.  It was longer than I thought, but hang in there and never give up.  Your child deserves you to be here for them.  You will be the one to carry on their memory as it will begin to fade from others.

I am so sorry for all the losses and there is no explanation for them that we can ever fully understand.  I send my love to each one of you and my sincerest wishes & prayers for some comfort and strength to endure through this time.  (((((Hugs)))))

Comment by Michelle H on August 12, 2013 at 11:19am

And, yes your daughter IS stunningly beautiful!

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