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Comment by Jill E on April 19, 2016 at 10:15pm

This woman tonight just hurt me to the bone. I know I am over sensitive but here I am in a new town. Back a while ago "Karri" had found out that I had lost my son. So months have gone by. I have been helping a mutual friend in the hospital. While socializing at the dog park and I had related how hard hospitals are for me "Karri" spoke up and said that she had lost a stepson also but didn't like to talk about it. So...I just don't get it first it felt like a dig at me for mentioning it then I was so shocked. Why did she not tell me months ago about her step son. It would have been comforting instead of just dropping it on me like that. I feel horrible. People and their stupid hurtful unkind mouths. Just shut up!!!!! If you can't say something kind don't say it at all!!! Obviously I am angry and need to get it out tonight.

Comment by Teresa D. on April 19, 2016 at 6:07pm

Connie so sorry to hear about your arm.

Ladies I'm 3 & 1/2 years in and I'm exhausted too. 

I had no clue that this was this painful and hard.

A hard part is others not recognizing or accepting you changed. Me, I'm changed because I'm so broken. 

Lost 2 life long friend's along the way.  They thought I should be over it by now. 

I'm learning to wear that fake face but when I get home or in my car I have to take it off. 

Some days are harder than others. Sometimes my mind goes from okay to deeply depressed within seconds.  Tears are triggered by reminders everywhere.

I spent Easter home alone because I just couldn't sit around anyone's family. 

I did just recently hold an essay contest and gave away 3 hockey scholarships in Michael's name.  My ex-husband insisted on the 1st winner being a kid named Michael.  Wasn't really a fair process but I went along with it. Nobody but me and him knew. 

My nephew's wedding is 6 months away, I can't stop thinking about the wedding Michael will never have.  Have to be there but not sure how I' going to do it without being depressed. 

Okay well I'm rambling now.  My thoughts are still very scattered.

HUGS TO ALL!

Comment by Jill E on April 19, 2016 at 5:08am

I am seeding you one too. Josh use to give me hugs all the time. Wonderful hugs

Comment by Connie K on April 18, 2016 at 5:12pm

Hugs Jill. Wish I could give you a real one. ((()))

Comment by Jill E on April 18, 2016 at 3:05pm

Love to you all...I worry so that I will never see my Josh again. I worry so that I can't bear the thought of leaving my son Derek...I worry that something will happen to him...it is never ending...friend is in the hospital...last time I was in a hospital room was when I lost My Josh...I have been running and doing for her for 2 days...have been exhausted...I didn't even realized how taxing it has been on me and why...it was like it was subconscious... Then all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks...hospitals are hard...I do not like hospitals...I pushed it back cause I was just doing for her, doing, doing, doing and not even trying to figure it out why, mentally and physically tired...I am always tired. A word I would never use to describe how I feel everyday...wow Jill you are really rambling...sorry..need a nap but impossible...don't sleep hardly at all...hate quiet...gives my brain too much time to think...can't do dark...leave light on all night...I am so scared...sorry

Comment by Connie K on April 18, 2016 at 12:11pm

It will always hurt, And it is exhausting. I got through the hoilday the 21st birthday. We had a Sacred Sound Circle where an intimate group sang, played music and singing bowls. Daniel's friends came by on his actual birthday and that was sweet but wow so hard but wonderful to see them. I would hope it would become easier but I am sorry to say it hasn't. Then last week I fell again and broke my right arm.It has really sent me into a deep depression that I feel so stuck. I know my son lives on - I am just tired of being here without him and not being able to see any joy in my life. The house is so quiet and I have very little motivation to to do anything. I feel guilty saying any of this to my friends so thanks for listening. But Jill you said it - I am so tired.........

Comment by Patty on April 18, 2016 at 12:05pm

I miss my daughter, Caitlin, every second of every day. It has been close to 6 years and it seems like yesterday. Caitlin is (I use present tense because she still lives but is out of my reach for now) my only child. I feel so purposeless. She has always been my future. Now I feel I have no future, at least not on earth. The only joyful future I see is after I'm gone from this earth and am reunited with her. People say I shouldn't say that because after all don't I love my husband. Of course, I do. My love for him is in no way diminished. But it's not natural for a child to be taken first. I can't help how I feel.

Comment by Jill E on April 14, 2016 at 8:11pm

how can the second year be harder than the first...I am so tired...

Comment by Dick on March 27, 2016 at 2:57pm

Why on Easter?

Comment by Dick on March 27, 2016 at 2:56pm

I just buried my friend yesterday. All I could think about is his poor mother and my son. I think I wept more than anyone else. So many people in my life are going offline now. 

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