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Comment by Jill E on April 20, 2016 at 4:53pm

Another damn dumb statement from one of the few friends I have left. "Jill, we have to make you whole again". Really? really?and she use to be a psych nurse. I explained as I have so many times before including to my husband...I will never be whole again. WYWH My Beloved Joshie

Comment by Patty on April 20, 2016 at 12:10pm

Oh, and my brother in law said that as a Christian I shouldn't be grieving so much.  He said that if you have faith you shouldn't grieve so badly.  My sister (not his wife) told him to stop, that he was not be helpful and to never say that to a grieving person.  Luckily, this was not said in front of me or I would have completely lost it.  Also, he told me a couple of months after my daughter's accident that she wouldn't want me to be so upset.  Two months!  I'm just venting.  People can be so thoughtless.  Thanks for listening.

Comment by Patty on April 20, 2016 at 11:49am

People not speaking her name.  It kills me.  Then if I do people are awkward.  I NEED to talk about my baby.  People forget that my baby, even at age 20 when she was taken, is as important as their baby.  I only have a couple of friends that are even close to getting it.  But they haven't lost a child so they don't really get it. They just do the best they can as friends.  I have had so many people act like they don't see me.  It's like I have become invisible.  Or my brother in law comparing the loss of his 90 something year old father to the loss of my child.  The difference is the difference of infinity.  Everything I do my mind is on my Caitlin.  I don't know how it is possible to still be alive after almost 6 years in this much pain.  I KNOW I will be with her again.  It's the only thing that keeps me alive.  But I miss her so much.  When she went she took the light with her.  I feel the pain all of you are in.  I know you understand.  All of you.  

Comment by Connie K on April 20, 2016 at 11:13am

Teresa - I feel the same. You inspire me to keep doing this things in Daniel's memory.

Jill i am sorry the woman hurt you. That seems so weird that she didn't say it before. Who knows the reasons that could be associated with her loss. I think I would have told her that I need to talk about it because my son deserves to be remembered and spoken of and it's hurts worse NOT to mention him . This is our life now! . Don't let her make you feel bad just because you may feel differently than she does. And you're so right.  we have a need to be understood and comforted.

dealing with this stupid right arm being broken, taking the pain meds - it accentuates the grief. i have no job and i cant play guitar. and my son had 4 broken arms before he was diagnosed with crohns disease. he wasn't absorbing his minerals properly because of the crohn's. it made his bones weak. i just feel the pain and weariness he did. but he was brave. i am not. not anymore. i can't even focus on getting a job. i feel like i failed Daniel and myself. right now arguing with my husband because i just want him to understand that i am not functioning as well as he is and i am weepy and a pain in the ass i'm sure. we grieve differently but he still carries the same burden. altho, i feel there is a stronger connection between mother and child. physical connection and physical memories of birth. i will post an recent article on that soon. just having such a hard time. i can't stop thinking of the night he died - the coroner and cops coming to the door. the "I'm sorry he didn't make it...." I can't stop crying and it scares me. So so tired of feeling this way.

I love you all and thank you for listening to my venting

Comment by Jill E on April 20, 2016 at 10:10am

The wisdom, the kindness, the sadness, the love shown comforts me from all of you. When I can't express myself quite right in words you all understand. Without words. Love to all as we love our children.

Comment by Nicki Francisco on April 20, 2016 at 9:39am

Jill as u know I lost luv of my life "Ilir" honour student of York university, no one knows how hard it's except ourselves, u r right in every single angle, that hurts me so much when peoples comments us n they say everything will be fine:(( my question is how could be the same when I lost my future, the only precious son I was living in this world, how my life would be the same:(( I send you my love and hugs but this luv is from a desperate mother with a bowl of soup made of  tears /luv u Jill  <3

Comment by Teresa D. on April 20, 2016 at 5:57am

I'd also like to crawl on that lap, I just want to be held while I have the biggest cry of my life.  I'm tired of everyone trying to stop my tears.  I WANT TO CRY DAMN IT! It helps release the pain.

Comment by Jill E on April 19, 2016 at 10:21pm

Ya know I said this so many times before but you need to know how much you all mean to me. You are my family. I can say and tell you all things that no one else understands. We listen, we don't judge we just love and care for each other here. Thank you for giving me this safe place. I do not know seriously how I would make it without you. I wish I could just crawl up into someone's lap and be held and hugged and told that everything will be ok but it will never be ok. Send you all a very special hug from me.

Comment by Jill E on April 19, 2016 at 10:15pm

This woman tonight just hurt me to the bone. I know I am over sensitive but here I am in a new town. Back a while ago "Karri" had found out that I had lost my son. So months have gone by. I have been helping a mutual friend in the hospital. While socializing at the dog park and I had related how hard hospitals are for me "Karri" spoke up and said that she had lost a stepson also but didn't like to talk about it. So...I just don't get it first it felt like a dig at me for mentioning it then I was so shocked. Why did she not tell me months ago about her step son. It would have been comforting instead of just dropping it on me like that. I feel horrible. People and their stupid hurtful unkind mouths. Just shut up!!!!! If you can't say something kind don't say it at all!!! Obviously I am angry and need to get it out tonight.

Comment by Teresa D. on April 19, 2016 at 6:07pm

Connie so sorry to hear about your arm.

Ladies I'm 3 & 1/2 years in and I'm exhausted too. 

I had no clue that this was this painful and hard.

A hard part is others not recognizing or accepting you changed. Me, I'm changed because I'm so broken. 

Lost 2 life long friend's along the way.  They thought I should be over it by now. 

I'm learning to wear that fake face but when I get home or in my car I have to take it off. 

Some days are harder than others. Sometimes my mind goes from okay to deeply depressed within seconds.  Tears are triggered by reminders everywhere.

I spent Easter home alone because I just couldn't sit around anyone's family. 

I did just recently hold an essay contest and gave away 3 hockey scholarships in Michael's name.  My ex-husband insisted on the 1st winner being a kid named Michael.  Wasn't really a fair process but I went along with it. Nobody but me and him knew. 

My nephew's wedding is 6 months away, I can't stop thinking about the wedding Michael will never have.  Have to be there but not sure how I' going to do it without being depressed. 

Okay well I'm rambling now.  My thoughts are still very scattered.

HUGS TO ALL!

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