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Comment by Connie K on September 14, 2013 at 11:44am

Hi everyone. I just got back from our first "vacation" since Daniel left. We went to Seattle to see a niece then drove to Vancouver then to Vancouver Island. It was amazing weather (we had an angel on our shoulder - not a drop of rain) and an amazing pace. Just so hard to be doing something new and not him not being here to share. Coming home was so hard even though it was also hard to be away. The loneliness walking in the door is palpable. Good thing my little terrier Axle was so happy to see us. I wonder if he is afraid we wouldn't come home ever again like Daniel. Mary - I so understand how you feel when you came home. I have now spent the last 24 hours crying and in so much pain. I miss him SO much I wonder how I can keep going. I wonder how can I do this for the rest of my life. But I know I have to because he is still there watching and helping me get through those days. The strangest thing happened when we arrived in Vancouver. Daniel always said he wanted to go to Canada and maybe live there. When we got into our hotel room there was a box of chocolates. The name was "Daniel". What?!! Seriously. Then we saw a note that was to another guest. The note and chocolates were intended for him as a thank you for his return stay but somehow we were put in that room. Too much of a coincidence. I have to believe he was there.  I struggle everyday to keep that faith, it is hard. I want to see his beautiful face and hold him tight. But I can't and the pain of knowing I never will is torture. So I try to read alot about life after death and NDE to assure me that there is more. I read something yesterday that a physicist at Stanford University said. He described it by saying that as humans we only have limited senses. We see only a portion of the electromagnetic field. We hear only a portion of the sound spectrum. Perhaps our perception of reality is that way also. We just can't see that dimension but it is there. And I can only go on knowing that he is ok - more than okay - really happy and experiencing more than we can imagine. I hope he is right. I am feeling so angry now that he is gone. I still want to go back and change some of the things I did as a Mom to somehow make it better and bring him home. I wonder if I will ever be able to move from this house. It is comforting and difficult to be here at the same time.

Mary I am sorry to hear about your fall. It is hard enough to get through without that! But you should get that kitty. Of course I am a cat lady! My animals are my salvation.

Toni - my heart breaks for your situation. Losing an only child leaves you with little to nurture except our grief. I am praying for you and your husband , Perhaps with a little time a part you can find your way back. I am sorry you have to go through this on top of everything. Ann is right we can only take each day as it comes. And she should know having lost 2 sons. Thank you Ann for providing some inspiration. Thanks to everyone here just for being here. I felt like I was going to burst and this is the only place I can really say what I am feeling. Love and prayers to everyone.

Comment by Teresa D. on September 13, 2013 at 9:49pm

Mary, please know we care about you.  Please know Anne is right we will progress in time.  All this time I thought I hadn't at all.  Until I saw my cousin lose her son last week.  As sad as it is when I looked at her I did realize how far I have come.  Do I cry everyday and do I have days I just want to run to heaven and get him?  Your Damn right I do.  Please Mary know tomorrow will be another day and you matter to us. 

Comment by anne on September 13, 2013 at 7:49pm

Animals are very intuitive to your pain, and sadness. I've been reading all your posts, and I just want to say please take good care of yourselves. This grief can make you feel like dying one day, and ok the next. Grief takes time, and patients. I know what it's like to want it all over with. I've been there twice. That's just not how it works. I'll never forget those awful feelings. It took a long time, and a lot of hard work on my part to get to a point that I can handle life, and the task of living again. I still have my tough times, and I expect I always will. Grief will never be easy. Losing a child makes life more difficult than anything, I think. For me I  don't think I've worked this hard ever in my life. I decided that since my sons couldn't be here with me I will make the best of the time I have here on earth so when the time comes I will hold them both in my arms once again. Acceptance is the last step in the 5 stages of grief, but that doesn't mean you don't take steps backwards on occasion. I am at stage 5 today, but I never know about tomorrow. So I do my best to take one day at a time, because that's the only way I know. The only thing that works to get to stage 5 is time, and coping skills. I am alive today because of the coping skills I have learned over time. Patience really is a virtue when it comes to grief. You are all in my heart.

Comment by Michelle H on September 13, 2013 at 5:18pm

I'm so sorry, Toni, for both of you. You both love Gabe and it's terrible that it's Gabe's death that is tearing you apart. I wish he could see that you need one another for comfort. I wonder what he hopes to accomplish with the separation?

Comment by toni m dicarlo on September 13, 2013 at 5:07pm

Yes, he went to grief counciling for 6 months and I went for a year. He says that gabe is the ONE person in this world he can't live without. He was the best best stepdad to Gabe, in fact Gabe thought of him as dad not stepdad, They were best friends and were very very close. I raised gabe by myself until he was 6. He has not talked to me in a month and I am moving tomorrow and I am very frightened . it's too much sadness . Gabes death was frightening and sad and I was on medecine for 18 months because I kept thinking I was having a heart attachk because I couldnt breath and my chest hurt so bad. My husband has been to the hospital because 2 times he thought he was having a heart attack...DR said post tramatic stress syndrome from Gabes death   

Comment by Michelle H on September 13, 2013 at 2:49pm

Toni, any idea why Gabe's stepdad is so angry? Does it have to do with Gabe's death?

Comment by toni m dicarlo on September 13, 2013 at 2:42pm

Gabes stepdad inherited the hous three months before Gabe died and I sold my house and moved so it is his house and I am moving to an apartment.  Things just seem to be getting worse since Gabe died and I spend every day waiting to see him again. I tell him a hundred times a day how much I love him. Gabes stepdad is so mad he can't think straight, Gabes death is going to be his ending and I can't seem to help him anymore. Gabe would be so sad to see what has happened 

Comment by Teresa D. on September 13, 2013 at 7:21am

Marilyn I'm feel stuck too.  I feel like the world is going on while I'm stuck.  Just like many of you I put on a fake face to get through the day.  With Michael's one year date coming I'm getting sicker by the day.  I don't know if I'm doing it to myself or if it's part of the process.

I come to this site every morning before I start my day.  Even when I don't post I still read them all. While we all struggle I find encouragement and pull from everyone, even those who think they are at their weakest.  And even though I said it before I will say it again.....many people do not have a clue as to what I am experiencing but I come here and feel very normal.  I see others feeling the way I do and doing some of the things I do and that let's me know I'm ok.

I wish I could climb to heaven and go get our kids.  I want to tell God he took the wrong ones, but who would be the right ones? 

I think of my cousin Jessy, I know exactly what she is experiencing and it is breaking my heart that someone I love has to live this. She reached out to me last night and I told her I will be there for her.  Not sure what I can really do for her other then just be there. 

Toni, you will never lose Gabe.  No matter where you go he will be with you. 

 

Comment by Michelle H on September 12, 2013 at 7:01pm

Toni, I know how important Gabe's dog is to you. Is there any way someone can take care of the dog for you until you're able to keep it yourself??

Comment by toni m dicarlo on September 12, 2013 at 6:33pm

My son's stepdad has asked for a seperation for the 3rd time since Gabe died so I am moving on Saturday. I have to leave Gabe;s dog and so I feel like i am loosing a nother peice of what I have left of Gabe. This is no life for anyone, It's barely surviving 2 years later and the sadness never leaves. I truely don't know what happend to my life

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