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Comment by Vasanthi S on September 26, 2013 at 12:31am

Thank you Jane--its all true, all that you say-- i just desperately wish i had more than pics and memories-- how cold it is to touch a photo n kiss  it again and again and say hey baby what did you go through? did it hurt a lot? were u scared? i couldn't protect you, I'm so sorry that i couldn't protect you... have failed at that... but mummy will love u always and forever more with all my heart and being... I badly need you to come and smile and laugh again, there is a hole in my heart which isn't getting filled however many days go by-- it will be Shreyas's birthday on this 28th and he would have been a wonderful 29 with the whole world to explore and see whats happened:(

Comment by anne on September 26, 2013 at 12:14am

You are probably all sick of hearing from me. I just feel the need to show you hope. I know you can't feel it now. I know how hard this all is for all of you. I always wished I had someone who knew how hard this is to talk to. We all hurt together, and there's no amount of time, or anything that will change the hurt. The hurt part never goes away but with time it gets easier to deal with. It's like the pain you feel right now, and the desperation for all the terrible things that are happening to you would just go away, and get it over with. I so understand all of these feelings more than I could ever explain to you. When a parent gets this kind of kick in the face the rollercoaster ride that goes with it is the worst ride of life. There are no answers. I know this for myself because I have searched, and looked for an answer, any answer everywhere. That's why I post. My heart breaks for all of us. I guess I just want all of you to know that everything all of us feel is ok. The questions, anger, sadness, confusion, fear, and most of all the 360 degrees that your life takes is all part of the way it goes. Marilyn, every time you hear or learn of a child dying, it will affect you. It does me every time. That's because we know that horrible pain. We know what happens next, and we know there's nothing anyone can do to make it better. This is how I feel about the whole thing. When you lose a child you feel other peoples pain when it happens to someone else. I don't want anyone else to feel the feelings or to go through what I've gone through. Thing is it's not my choice it's just the way it is. Since I didn't get a choice if I don't share my experience, and my feelings, and try as hard as I can to give hope to someone else I'd lose my mind. You see once people get time under their belts, and go through their own grieving process they stop reaching out. Not everyone, but some do. I am drawn to this site. This site has been my life line for many years. I have noticed that people I used to communicate with on here I don't hear from anymore. Still I am drawn here. I would never hurt any of you. I wish there was a forward button so I could push it, and all of us could go forward, and skip all tough stuff, but that's not how it works either, even though it sounds good. I guess what I'm trying to say is I need to share what I've been through in the hopes that just maybe someone else can get through this journey with maybe more insight than I had. I just want all who hurt to maybe see just a little bit of the light at the end of the tunnel as I have. I've been on this journey for a long time, and I know that the bad days will still creep into life. I also know that you can be at the stage of acceptance one day, and feel like the tragedy just happened to you the next. Since my first son was killed I never had anyone who had walked in my shoes show me a glimmer of the light that is there. When I was new at this, all I wanted was for someone who knew this kind of pain, and grief to tell me that my feelings about it are validated, and that someday the really harsh stuff about losing my child will give way to all the wonderful memories that I had stored up over the years. I want to give just a glimmer of hope to others who also have to ride this miserable rollercoaster. If I get to preachy please feel free to tell me to shut up. Nobody ever said to me that the way I felt, and have felt about my son's deaths is ok. I always felt like I was depressing the world, and no one wanted to hear what I had to say. I just don't want anyone to feel that way if it can be helped. When I write it's for me to keep tract of how I've changed, and the good, and bad of my journey, but also to give validation to all of our feelings. All these things I speak of are my truths. It's different for everyone. Ok i'll be quiet now. I think, and care about all of you very much. Good night! 

Comment by Connie K on September 25, 2013 at 7:20pm

I understand Marilyn? Maybe you can be of some help to the family at your school. You have a lot of love to give and insight that not many can offer them. Sending you hugs and prayers everyday.

Comment by Vasanthi S on September 25, 2013 at 12:37pm

Marilyn, hugssss and love to you... pls be ok .

Comment by Vasanthi S on September 25, 2013 at 12:36pm

Michelle, Thank you so much for your thoughts and empathy.. Being with Craig has been very good and he is a very sensitive man... Since it was a very new experience for him to be in a strange country , I had to be in 'managing' mode, as I wanted him to feel comfortable in a strange place. So i pushed all other thoughts away...now back home I just feel the need for someone to manage me, its a lonely feeling, and you are so right, it is uncharted territory so its all trial and error-- normally I wouldn't feel so out of my depth but I do now...normalcy seems like something I knew long ago and now everything is difficult.

Comment by Michelle H on September 25, 2013 at 11:20am

Vasanthi, I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I'm sure part of that is Craig's leaving even though you will be together again. It must feel like another loss. Plus, your interactions with him probably provided some respite from the grief from losing Micks. This is such an uncharted area for all of us: how to survive in the midst of such longing and loneliness for our child. I guess it's the way our lives will be from here on, until we're reunited some day with our loved one.

Comment by Michelle H on September 25, 2013 at 10:43am

Jane, I'm so glad to hear that yesterday went "well" for you. It sounds like it brought you some comfort and that you were able to spend some time with Danielle. And a good priest, kind and compassionate, can make all the difference. Some time I'll tell you about my son's funeral and the incredible disaster it was, bringing a lot more pain to our family. Now is not the time, but I will share it sometime. I'm glad your daughter's service was so lovely.

Comment by Vasanthi S on September 25, 2013 at 10:39am

Jane I am so glad u felt the peace.. Mary, Michelle am having a tough day too-- i miss micks so much and my heart is sinking that I really can't see him again and talk to him and crack silly jokes and see him mock grimace at the silliness of it:( Craig left yesterday back to the states and I will start the visa process soon to be there ..back home I just feel kind of drained and sad that sad that I have to live, eat, work,cook, relate to others, and sad that i breathe at all.

Comment by Jane P on September 25, 2013 at 9:50am

I'm okay Michelle, thank you for thinking of me.

The service was beautiful, the weather was all sunshine, the priest was so gentle, and he sang "Amazing Grace" with an amazing voice. It really was sooo beautiful.

I find the anticipation of another "event" worse than the actual event.

It was so nice to have another personal moment with Danielle.

Having said that, I am wondering when the crash will hit me.

How are you?

Comment by Michelle H on September 24, 2013 at 7:49pm

Jane, you've been on my mind a great deal today and I've been wondering how you were able to get through the service for Danielle. Know that loving thoughts were surrounding you and continue to. I hope tomorrow is better.

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