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Comment by Teresa D. on October 1, 2013 at 6:01pm

I just thought everyone should know.  Some may feel affected and some may not.  Those who don't write anyone's name fully, your safe. Those of us that did we're the ones exposed.  Any name you wrote in full can be found on this site if googled. 

 

Comment by Jane P on October 1, 2013 at 3:44pm

Should we go with the group email suggestion?

To ensure privacy.

I would be more comfortable. When we reply, we could use reply to all so that everyone is still on the same page.

I tried a different web site before finding this one. I only wrote on it once. I was so desperate. Before I knew it, my sister-in-law sent me a message about her reading it. I was horrified that I had just poured my most personal feelings out for the world to see. I know nothing is safe. But I had no idea outsiders could google us here also.

 

Comment by Vasanthi S on October 1, 2013 at 11:53am

Anne, you are right.. there is no need for some more regret added on to everything else-- we will write what we feel like and thats that.

Comment by anne on September 30, 2013 at 7:58pm

I just have my first name on here for that very reason. This is my sanctuary. I love my daughters, and I love my husband, but I won't share this site with any of them. I guess I never thought anyone would look me up. Oh well. This is my safe place, and I'm not sharing with anyone but those of you here. If someone does stumble upon me here, I am not sorry for anything I have said or felt, or wrote. It is what it is!

Comment by Teresa D. on September 30, 2013 at 6:04pm

Jane ramble all you want.  I do and I feel better when I'm done.

Comment by Teresa D. on September 30, 2013 at 6:01pm

Dawn he is making progress. Ok maybe it's not the progress you were hoping for but he opened up and you now know he is holding in his grief. 

I removed my last name and left it as "D". My daughter did not need to know my inner thoughts.  This is why I don't share it all with her.  I don't want her making her life decisions around my grief. 

If Michael was here she wouldn't be coming back.  She has been trying so hard to fill my void but she can't.  I've tried to explain that to her but she keeps trying. 

Hopefully the name change will keep future posts from  showing up.

I too come here to share what others don't understand.  Like when they were all telling me how STRONG I was.  I wanted to kick them in the face but do I say or do anything NO!  Because I know they have good intentions and don't understand why I don't want to hear that.

Anyway the time away was good but I realized you can't run or hide3 from the grief.  A few times I broke down.  The first time was because I felt guilty being there and yet Michael isn't here.  The second time was at the top of a mountain, I wanted to scream his name as loud as I could.  I guess I thought he would hear me.  But I didn't becvause other people were there and I knew they wouldn't understand.  So I moved away, cried, told myself to pull it together and rejoined the group.  The third time I didn't see it coming.  We were at lunch and the table next to us was a mother and son.  She was kissing and hugging him telling him how much she loved him.  I watched with a smile but yes it turned into tears because I thought how I will never be able to hug Michael again.  My poor man has to deal with my triggered tears.  I wish there was warning but all three times I didn't see it coming.

Comment by Jane P on September 30, 2013 at 3:26pm

Hi Everyone

I feel so good when I read such wonderful shares.

I feel peace when I come here.

The privacy is an issue for me also. I don't want anyone to know how I'm feeling, except for you who understands. It's too painful to share.

I'm not feeling myself lately. I feel like I'm not all here. Which is not unusual!!

When I come here to write, sometimes someone has just written what I've been thinking. I believe we are in a similar stage of pain.

I did my volunteer work today, again it felt wonderful to be there.

I am thinking of doing more in our winter months. Danielle passed away Dec. 2/2012. I can't face another winter like that, I won't survive.

Our children are safe in the arms of God. There are so many "messages", we have to believe there is a Heaven.

But how do we continue? That's the question. The only way I know is to try to keep busy during the day. I long for bedtime so I can close my eyes to my pain. When I wake up, it is there waiting for me.

I will suffer my pain, having Danielle in my life is worth it. My life was so full when she was here. Now it's just this huge emptiness.

I'm scared to do or go anywhere. My volunteer job is in a warehouse with only 5 people. I chose it because I do not want to work with the public. I've become a very private person. I like to sit and think of all that we did, all that we went through. I want to mourn my loss.

I am rambling, sorry.

Like I said, I'm not feeling myself lately!!!

Comment by anna l. on September 30, 2013 at 12:12pm

Being able to reach out via the internet is a wonderful thing but we all have to take our safety very seriously.  It is never a good idea to put your real full name out there in cyber space.  I chose to use just the first letter of my last name.  Most other places I use a nickname but here, where I needed to share the deepest parts of myself, I felt the need to be me, Anna.  Please go to your profile and edit your name in a way that no one can search you out.  You are too important and too vulnerable in your grief to have crazies tracking you down.  We speak of our country, our cities, our travels, our children, our jobs.  We have to remember that not every person we meet online is a safe person.  Take some basic precautions and then relax, speak your truths in safety in this one place we should be able to feel safe to do so.  Take gentle care.  Hugs, Anna

Comment by Vasanthi S on September 30, 2013 at 11:22am

Teresa , we do need our privacy. It feels weird if just about anyone can peep in. I love that your daughter is so sensitive and is showing her love for you. I'm sure you will show her how she is cherished and at the same time how she must live her life as that will give you immense satisfaction.

Marilyn, all those signs mean so much,

its just something so intangible and deep and we are struggling to grasp it...

Michelle will get the book online and read it as as this point everything however small is a straw to clutch at and yes the brain after all is like a part of machine 'body' so it certainly isn't the answer to life.. it helps us analyse and then the heart has to take over.. love to all.

Comment by Michelle H on September 30, 2013 at 10:43am

I just want to connect with each of you at the beginning of a new week. It's hard not being able to respond to your many wonderful posts during the weekend, but am grateful that you do post a lot during the weekends. Vasanthi, I was so deeply moved and excited for you when you related your experience with Mick's friend and the dreams about your son wanting his friend to visit you. I have NO doubt that Micks really came to the friend to mildly chastise him for not being more attentive to you. How awesome, too, that Micks was wearing the shirt that was in your photograph. It must be real. And I'm glad that you experienced comfort and joy from the visit. You deserve to feel your son's presence and his ongoing love for you.

I cherish EACH of you here and pray for a lightening of your sadness and increased awareness of communications from your children. Marilyn, I read Hello From Heaven right after Chris died and it gave me increadible peace. I do believe all the experiences that people have had and have had  some that I know were from Chris. Love transcends time and space.

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