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Comment by anne on October 1, 2013 at 7:31pm

I too fall apart every once in a while. I think when my boys died falling apart is going to be a part of me I'll never get rid of. Although the falling down is less. and less, it still happens. I don't fall as far as I used to, but none the less I still fall. It's ok. It took me a while to get better control when I'm around other people because they really don't understand. Those who have not walked in my shoes no nothing of my pain. So I have learned to be in better control in front of others, but when i'm alone I let it all hang out. I yell, scream, cry, kick furniture, and whatever it takes to get it out without harming myself or anyone else. I have changed so much since my first boy died. I am a lot more private, and I write a lot. I am at a place now where I can talk about it, answer question, and shed a tear here and there. It takes a long time to get to this point. When I get asked questions I still tear up. What mother wouldn't ! I don't have any problem shedding a few tears when people want to ask me things about it. I am human, I have a heart, one that's been badly broken, but I think if I don't feel anything then I'm not living. I have to live. I want my children here, and in heaven to know that I loved them so much that I will work hard for all of them. Besides I know my boys, and I'm sure I'm doing the right thing. I think if I don't let my feelings out in one way or another I wouldn't be able to live. The bad feelings to me are like poison, and if I don't get them out I get sick, mentally, and physically. So I say let it out! In the beginning when I would fall, and it just happens there's no warning, I started to learn who really cared about me, and who was pretending. Hurt on top of hurt. The people who care about me are the one's who didn't talk or gossip when I had a melt down. The others I cut out of my life including my sisters. Everything changed when my child died, and then again when my second child died. I feel I have earned the right to shed a tear now and then, and if I need to have a melt down, well then so be it! You are all in my heart!

Comment by Connie K on October 1, 2013 at 6:58pm

I read Proof of Heaven and found it very comforting. I was especially moved because Dr Alexander lives where I went to college and had studied parapsychology. It brought me back to my truth.

Comment by Teresa D. on October 1, 2013 at 6:01pm

I just thought everyone should know.  Some may feel affected and some may not.  Those who don't write anyone's name fully, your safe. Those of us that did we're the ones exposed.  Any name you wrote in full can be found on this site if googled. 

 

Comment by Jane P on October 1, 2013 at 3:44pm

Should we go with the group email suggestion?

To ensure privacy.

I would be more comfortable. When we reply, we could use reply to all so that everyone is still on the same page.

I tried a different web site before finding this one. I only wrote on it once. I was so desperate. Before I knew it, my sister-in-law sent me a message about her reading it. I was horrified that I had just poured my most personal feelings out for the world to see. I know nothing is safe. But I had no idea outsiders could google us here also.

 

Comment by Vasanthi S on October 1, 2013 at 11:53am

Anne, you are right.. there is no need for some more regret added on to everything else-- we will write what we feel like and thats that.

Comment by anne on September 30, 2013 at 7:58pm

I just have my first name on here for that very reason. This is my sanctuary. I love my daughters, and I love my husband, but I won't share this site with any of them. I guess I never thought anyone would look me up. Oh well. This is my safe place, and I'm not sharing with anyone but those of you here. If someone does stumble upon me here, I am not sorry for anything I have said or felt, or wrote. It is what it is!

Comment by Teresa D. on September 30, 2013 at 6:04pm

Jane ramble all you want.  I do and I feel better when I'm done.

Comment by Teresa D. on September 30, 2013 at 6:01pm

Dawn he is making progress. Ok maybe it's not the progress you were hoping for but he opened up and you now know he is holding in his grief. 

I removed my last name and left it as "D". My daughter did not need to know my inner thoughts.  This is why I don't share it all with her.  I don't want her making her life decisions around my grief. 

If Michael was here she wouldn't be coming back.  She has been trying so hard to fill my void but she can't.  I've tried to explain that to her but she keeps trying. 

Hopefully the name change will keep future posts from  showing up.

I too come here to share what others don't understand.  Like when they were all telling me how STRONG I was.  I wanted to kick them in the face but do I say or do anything NO!  Because I know they have good intentions and don't understand why I don't want to hear that.

Anyway the time away was good but I realized you can't run or hide3 from the grief.  A few times I broke down.  The first time was because I felt guilty being there and yet Michael isn't here.  The second time was at the top of a mountain, I wanted to scream his name as loud as I could.  I guess I thought he would hear me.  But I didn't becvause other people were there and I knew they wouldn't understand.  So I moved away, cried, told myself to pull it together and rejoined the group.  The third time I didn't see it coming.  We were at lunch and the table next to us was a mother and son.  She was kissing and hugging him telling him how much she loved him.  I watched with a smile but yes it turned into tears because I thought how I will never be able to hug Michael again.  My poor man has to deal with my triggered tears.  I wish there was warning but all three times I didn't see it coming.

Comment by Jane P on September 30, 2013 at 3:26pm

Hi Everyone

I feel so good when I read such wonderful shares.

I feel peace when I come here.

The privacy is an issue for me also. I don't want anyone to know how I'm feeling, except for you who understands. It's too painful to share.

I'm not feeling myself lately. I feel like I'm not all here. Which is not unusual!!

When I come here to write, sometimes someone has just written what I've been thinking. I believe we are in a similar stage of pain.

I did my volunteer work today, again it felt wonderful to be there.

I am thinking of doing more in our winter months. Danielle passed away Dec. 2/2012. I can't face another winter like that, I won't survive.

Our children are safe in the arms of God. There are so many "messages", we have to believe there is a Heaven.

But how do we continue? That's the question. The only way I know is to try to keep busy during the day. I long for bedtime so I can close my eyes to my pain. When I wake up, it is there waiting for me.

I will suffer my pain, having Danielle in my life is worth it. My life was so full when she was here. Now it's just this huge emptiness.

I'm scared to do or go anywhere. My volunteer job is in a warehouse with only 5 people. I chose it because I do not want to work with the public. I've become a very private person. I like to sit and think of all that we did, all that we went through. I want to mourn my loss.

I am rambling, sorry.

Like I said, I'm not feeling myself lately!!!

Comment by anna l. on September 30, 2013 at 12:12pm

Being able to reach out via the internet is a wonderful thing but we all have to take our safety very seriously.  It is never a good idea to put your real full name out there in cyber space.  I chose to use just the first letter of my last name.  Most other places I use a nickname but here, where I needed to share the deepest parts of myself, I felt the need to be me, Anna.  Please go to your profile and edit your name in a way that no one can search you out.  You are too important and too vulnerable in your grief to have crazies tracking you down.  We speak of our country, our cities, our travels, our children, our jobs.  We have to remember that not every person we meet online is a safe person.  Take some basic precautions and then relax, speak your truths in safety in this one place we should be able to feel safe to do so.  Take gentle care.  Hugs, Anna

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