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Comment by Vasanthi S on October 11, 2013 at 10:27am

I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle.I just wish he didn’t trust me so much. -Mother Teresa

Comment by Lynn Williams on October 10, 2013 at 1:20pm

Hello everyone.  Saturday will be eight weeks that Kyra is gone.  My husband is going away with his friends to a camp in northern Vermont for five days.  I have not spent a night alone without him since she died.  I used to love time alone but not now.  A friend who lost her daughter 10 years ago has invited me to stay with her thankfully.  This morning I felt so anxious but feel calmer now.  I keep crying and when I do the pain eases.  I wish my other daughter were near but that's life.  I keep telling myself someday the raw grief will ease but not anytime soon.  Michelle don't ever think you were not the best mom to your kids.  Your daughter's loves you.  Dolly and Dawn, I felt Kyra once the day of her service.  She was a farmer and her magic held off the rain until the end of the service, when there was a gentle sun shower and a double rainbow appeared over all of us.  I know she was telling everyone she was loved and happy as a spirit.  That image keeps me going and I know I will see her again when I die. Judy I didn't realize you had such physical difficulties, hugs to everyone.    

Comment by Vasanthi S on October 10, 2013 at 11:16am

Michelle, banish the thought about not being a good mom.. we all do what we know at the time and when if we knew something better we would have done that.. so that means that all have done their best..i hate these thoughts which make one feel like a criminal.. sweetheart know that for your son, he got the best mom he could have.. and please please everyone, resolve to fight the negativity and honor the enormous love we have shared. They need our love and need to see that we cherish them so much , so much that we have to live well... happiness does lie in accepting what IS, and what is not.

Comment by Michelle H on October 10, 2013 at 10:44am

Night before last was the worst night so far regarding loss of sleep. I was tormented by my mind and I just couldn't turn it off. I was thinking of Chris, his dying, my not being able to see him, so many bad and painful thoughts. I think I was disturbed, too, by a book that I thought would be comforting, but turned out to be more distressing than anything. I just wanted it all to go away and get some sleep. I am dreading November and all that it means regarding Chris. Thanksgiving, too. I feel troubled by my connection with my daughter with whom I was so close while the kids were growing up. She's so busy with her own children, as she should be, but I feel like an afterthought at best. I really believe now that I wasn't the good mom that I used to think I was. I wish I had it all to do over again so I could do things differently and get it right.

Comment by Vasanthi S on October 10, 2013 at 10:26am

Dolly, please do not feel guilty about wanting happiness and peace.. your son would want that for you more than even you.  We do not need the additional burden of useless guilt on top of everything else! Honor the love and do allow yourself to know that your son is in the best possible hands and when you are calm you will most certainly feel his presence and love overflowing in your heart. I promise you that.

Comment by Vasanthi S on October 10, 2013 at 7:41am

Teresa, wish I could sit with you and share the sorrow... am with you, sending you love n hugs, Dolly , you too..

Bern, I pray the headache gets ok n you feel better,taking a painkiller once in a while is ok.. Judy, the pain of seeing one's child pass away before our very eyes is the worst nightmare and worst heartache imaginable... and yes at times there is guilt of surviving when the child did not. Your counselor is right Judy Edwards... there is a purpose to being here even if we can't fathom what it is, it will get clear.. see already you are sharing and others here draw inspiration from you after the horrors you have endured, so just breathing right now is an act of bravery and for that and for sharing a very big thank you. Hang in there.. xoxoxoxox to all

Comment by Judy Edwards on October 10, 2013 at 6:53am

My blog should of started at being disable. I don't know we're the other stuff came from that what I get working on a smart phone

Comment by Judy Edwards on October 10, 2013 at 6:47am

One. Of the reason I can't do much such as clean and do. That next weekend I
Don't know how I leave thinks out cuz I was thinking it Judy work like most of u others is I'm disabled. 15 years ago I wrap my car around a tree
breaking every bonne on my left side,
Under my shoulder. Also shattered my pelvis, and hip. In time where my ankle broke the bone died. I lost my left leg below the knee and after 2 MRS staph infection and two amputation on the left leg I'm finally able to wear a prosthetic that I can wear with out cutting my leg to the tendons.
Most people whom hit a tree like I did, don't make. So I cfeel the universe. Played a horrable trick on me. Why'd
I live and my son pass. B4 me.. I Don't know if I'd had other children if it.would lessen the pain. So I can't do much before my hip start hurting. If I push myself to hard than I'm down physically
The next couple a days. So I'm in a catch 20/20. I Sit staring at the tv when I'm not crying. I do as much as I can then I have to stop. I worried now of losing the last bit of sanity I have left.
I hear people say they feel their children with then, I don't feel my son it a void. Someone told this week it may be. I grieving so hard that Matthew can't get to me right now. The wreck I had I hit a tree dead center at 55 mph
I was in my seatbelt laying across the hood. When I hit the tree my car went to flip as it was doing this the. Back
Wheels landed in the tree they tell Me a 6 ft. Man could walk under the car to the other side. So why am I here and my 32 year old son the picture of health gone. So knowing this even in 1998 I felt guilty for being alive back then when I'd hear of some hitting a tree and passing on I felt guilt. So the guilt I feel for me being here and Matthew leaving us is overwhelming.
As I started grief counseling yesterday
He told me I had a purpose for my still being here. Well I don't feel I can do anything for anyone. I just so lost and stuck. Not able to move forward from
Where I was in may of this year. Always I've been the one in my family to help them all get thru there crisis. Hhowwever there no one to help me get thru this crisis in my life. Without u
People to be able to let some of this steam go I blow so high that I'd never get my footing back on the ground. I am worried about what sanity I have left with the two places. I went this week. Well hugs to u all thanks for u reaching out to me it's appreciated.
Judy

Comment by Bern on October 10, 2013 at 6:45am

Sometimes I just want to cry but have to stop crying.

My head hurts so bad, I can't bend over.

Comment by Teresa D. on October 10, 2013 at 5:52am

I thought I was doing so well. But the past two days I think I'm falling backwards.  Yesterday I just couldn't snap out of it.  No matter what I tried to tell myself I just couldn't get control of it.  Now I'm sitting here at 6:50am and already crying. 

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