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Comment by Ammy on October 23, 2013 at 3:12pm

Any positive reports are always good to read.  I am happy for you and your husband Dolly that you received good news on his PSA count.  And you are probably right about the added stress causing you more emotional intensity.  I think this is what leads to my severe relapses as well.  We have also had extra situations going on here.  Even today our granddaughter had to taken to the hospital.  She's been very sick since last Saturday and the results came in today that she has E. coli.  Just one more stress trigger.

Lynn, all I can say is that my heart goes out to you.  You are so fresh in the stages.  I know you must be all over the place with your emotions.  I wish there was a way to fast forward through this, but it's a lifelong adjustment and you just need to go as you are able.  We all need to find what can to help us along and each of us may find a different path.  It's okay.  Whatever helps/works  is what we need to follow.

Theresa, I think you know that whenever you do set a date and have the ceremony you will still cry.  If it's next week, next year, or 5 years down the road.  Don't be pressured by others, but go with your heart.

Judy, you are also fresh.  You are having to experience the first of each holiday without Matthew and the firsts are so hard.  Try not to think ahead to all that is coming up and just get through one at a time.

Anne, Vasanthi, Adrianne, Jane, Michelle, Connie, Merry, Dawn, Grace &  both Karens my heart is with each one of you also, along with my prayers.

I hope I have remembered everyone.  I care about you all.  (((((GroupHugs)))))

Comment by Judy Edwards on October 23, 2013 at 1:16pm

Today my friends i find my self angry so very angry.  Why i don't know.

My emotion have taken a wicked turn in the last few weeks.  My b-day is Oct 29 and this start all my family's b-days in the next 3 months.

Then the holidays are in there.  I don't know how I'm going to get thru this.  Nov the 1st will be the 6 month of Matthew passing I cry all the time.  I don't want to be here I'm tired and in such pain that the days are to long.  I miss him so much that my heart breaks each time I got start my day why because the horror of him being gone for us start all over again. To the new people whom have just began your     journey are the one whom had a few years behind you, i pray you find a way to cope.  As yet I haven't find it.   I'm lost because 6 months ago i was a mom now that been tore away from me.  So

I thank this group for listening  seem your the only one whom wants to speak of him as if he never was here.  So yes I a angry person today.  Plus other emotions in there I don't know what they are i've never felt them before.  Hugs Judy

Comment by Lynn Williams on October 23, 2013 at 8:52am

Dolly.. I am so happy your husband's PSA numbers are going down.  I am sure your stress over his health was very much adding to your stress. Teresa.. Michael only wants you to be loved and comforted. I too have been reading a lot of books on the afterlife and I know in my heart Kyra is with me.  When I talked to a medium he validated a couple of thoughts that told me she is in the white light, He said she doesn't want me to be so unhappy and to celebrate her life.  I am trying but I know I have to go through intense grieving to get to that point.  I have a picture of Kyra in her baptisim dress and bonnet on my nightstand and I have to believe god is with her and all our children and families.  It has only been 9 weeks since her death so some days I want to curl up and stay in bed, but I get up because she would want me to.  Even if I can just rake the leaves from my garden.  I pray that I will eventually not feel so raw most of day and

my pain for her physical lose will ease and all the good memories will soothe me but I am not there yet.

 

Comment by Vasanthi S on October 23, 2013 at 7:33am

Christmas sounds like the best and most holy time.. Teresa, go right ahead.. just say yes and think Micheal , your angel is always with you , wanting you to feel content and at peace.. Love to all here.

Comment by Teresa D. on October 23, 2013 at 7:20am

Ok I need help with this "marriage" thing.  My fiancé asked me to marry him on Christmas morning.  Michael was spending the holiday with me so right after he asked me I went and jumped on Michael and told him Ruben just asked me to marry him.  Michael said, "I know Mom  he asked me if it was ok"  Ruben asked my son for permission and my son was happy to give it.

Of course I started making plans and of course because my father passed away I saw Michael as the one to give me away. 

That picture is gone out of my head and I haven't been able to replace it so I'm dragging my feet with setting a date.  Ruben has been patient but now and then he will ask if I thought about a date. 

While he has been patient everyone keeps asking me so now I'm feeling pressured.

I'm so afraid that when it comes time I will do nothing but cry because Michael is not there.  I don't know how to do this.  I can't even think about it without crying because my thoughts go right to Michael and how he's not here.  

this is one of those things others don't get why I'm stalled.  On my side I don't know how to get un-stalled.

Comment by Teresa D. on October 23, 2013 at 7:02am

I agree God gave Brandon the perfect MOM.

Anne, you give me hope.  Hope that one day I won't feel the sadness that I feel daily.  Hope that one day I will remember Michael with a smile rather than a tear.  Hope that one day I will learn to manage this. Hope that my meltdowns will become less.  Hope that one day I will be able to live again instead of just functioning. Hope that these days will come.

Jane, it's ok.  Some of us like yourself are still lost and still don't know what to do with the new us.  Just like you said it is a process.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on October 22, 2013 at 11:45pm

We all have so much in common. But I had no idea just how much. After my son passed I began to read everything I possibly could on the afterlife. I have to believe he continues to exist. I spend every evening on my iPad reading. Last night I googled "best book to read on losing a child". Beyond Tears had amazing reviews. I had the book. Given to me by a friend who lost two kids. I had never read it. I did today. Has anyone else read it? I highly recommend it. You are all my sanity. The group like the authors that makes me realize this is where I now feel normal. Sad for us all. Read this book.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on October 22, 2013 at 11:28pm

Dolly
I love everything you wrote about Brandon. What a great mother you are. He was so lucky to have you.

Comment by Jane P on October 22, 2013 at 7:01pm

My panic attacks take me to my knees. I have to grip onto whatever is close. I try to make it to the bathroom so I can cry in the sink. I cling to the counter top as the waves of pain go through my body from the toes up, wave after wave, I can't breathe, I just howl and hold on until it passes.

I believe they are part of the grieving process.

I believe the pain that we endure is directly linked to the love we have for our child.

I believe we will see our children again.

But when you talk about "hope", I don't know what I am supposed to hope for.

 

Comment by Jane P on October 22, 2013 at 6:47pm

Anne

That was beautiful.

I appreciate your sharing.

It's nice to see you have come so far, I am happy for you.

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