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Comment by Ammy on October 24, 2013 at 8:04pm

(((((Anne)))))

(((((GroupHug)))))

Comment by anne on October 24, 2013 at 6:55pm

Dolly, and all, it is not your fault. When a person loses a child the grief is so dark that peace, and hope can't come through. That I think is true for a lot of people. I know it was for me. There  is no right or wrong way to pray or to find peace, or to grieve. These things come with time. We all have them in us, but when you lose a child they stay hidden until your heart is ready for them. I believe God hears our prayers even when we don't realize we are praying. I was so angry with God that I tried to kick him out of my soul. I yelled screamed, and swore at him time, and time again. He can handle it. He wants you to give it to him. Healing comes after you get all the ugly out. It took me 9 years to be able to talk to God without the anger, and sorrow. He must've been there because I'm still here.  When I finally felt like living again SMACK I got kicked once again when my other Son was killed, and almost lost one of my daughters too at the same time. Once again I yelled, and screamed, and swore at God. I said how could you do this to me again? Then I had a realization that God didn't do this to me, but he sure held me up no matter how nasty I was to him. I don't like to even speak of satan, but I believe he does this to take away our faith, hope, and love, and most of all to take us away from God. I couldn't think of anyone else that would do something so horrible as to take away my children. In my darkest hours I didn't want to be loved, or have hope, or let anything good in my life because I was afraid that in the blink of an eye it could all be taken away, and I didn't think I could bare anymore. To be truthful I begged satan to take me. I begged God to take me. One day my old horse got very sick, the only thing we could do for her was to put her down. As I watched my husband shoot her I fell to the ground, and begged him to shoot me too. He looked at me, and said Anne I have 2 bullets left one for you, and one for me, so whats it gonna be? That day I felt Gods arms around me. I felt my sons arms around me. They all picked me up off the ground. I ran to my husband, he was filled with tears. Since that day never again did I listen to anyone who said things like " oh God needed an angel, or it was their time to go, or the big one God only takes the good ones." To me it's all a crock of crap. I will never believe God took my children for any reason. I will never believe that God does any of the bad things that happen here on earth. I do believe that God gives me what I need when I need it, and I know he loves me even when I'm madder than a wet hen. I am not a church going woman, but I will tell you this, there isn't a day that goes by that I dont' have a conversation with God. Not one day that I don't ask for his help, and guidance. None of these things happened over night. It took time, and a lot of back, and forth to get to a day when I could think about the boys without the heart sucking sorrow, and anger. I still have times when I hold myself accountable for the death of my children. After all my father in law told me it was my fault, and if I was a better mother my boys wouldn't be dead. Most of the time I know that's not true, but there are times when the darkness creeps in, and those old bad feelings come to the surface, but God always has a way of letting me know how ignorant those statements are, and that it wasn't my fault. I am not perfect. I cannot control everything around me. These things were one of the hardest things for me to accept. Grief is something you cant go around, or over, or under. You have to go through it, and there's no time limit, or right or wrong way  to do it. You have to do it the way it's best for you. Someday you will feel the hope, and peace again, but only when your ready for it, and no one can take that from you. I know from your posts that you have a heart as big as the moon, and your day will come when your ready. You may not recognize it when it happens, but you'll feel it.

Comment by Teresa D. on October 24, 2013 at 6:38pm

I'm sorry Dolly I don't know who told you to pray the "right" way, but whom ever it was I think told you to pray the "wrong" way. Maybe in God's eyes Brandon was perfect.  There is no blame. 

Dawn & Connie.....HUGS HUGS and more HUGS!!!! 

Lynn I think you and Anne are absolutely right.  We have to have hope. 

One of Michael's friends called me tonight.  I did everything I had to do to talk to him without crying.  I felt good I made it through.....of course until I hung up.  The tears came and my throat closed on me.  So today is another day I didn't make it without crying but it's okay because tomorrow I will try again. 

 

Comment by Connie K on October 24, 2013 at 11:04am

And I hope Spirit shows us the way through one more day. Because these are tough ones...

Comment by Lynn Williams on October 24, 2013 at 10:20am

We all have hope inside of us, I hope that my daughter is in peaceful loving space with her family and friends who have also past.  I hope for happier days for her grieving and family here on earth.  I hope for a kinder world. Hope is separate from grief, you can have both feelings at the same time.  I think in the beginning it is hard for let the good feelings in because of the grief.  If we didn't have hope we couldn't go on.

   

Comment by anne on October 23, 2013 at 5:42pm

When you begin to want hope it will be there waiting for you. Just wanting it is the first step towards getting it. When your ready to hope, and dream once more it will happen.

Comment by Ammy on October 23, 2013 at 5:38pm

Anne, I believe you are right.  We need to have hope.

God bless!

Comment by anne on October 23, 2013 at 5:33pm

There are lots of reasons for hope. Hope that one day you will hold your child in your arms. Hope that some day the pain will get less, and the hope that the day will come when you will once again feel the love, and joy again. We will never be the same. Our childrens deaths will always be a part of our lives, but someday the good memories will out weigh the bad. The only alternative to hope is despair.

Comment by anne on October 23, 2013 at 5:22pm

Please don't look to hard for the answers. For on this earth they just cannot be found. For the answers only lie, deep with his arms, deep within our fathers(in heaven) loving arms!

Comment by anne on October 23, 2013 at 5:18pm

Teresa, as far as the marriage thing goes, just follow your heart, and give your heart some time. You'll know when the time is right!  Peace, and love to all!

 

 

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