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Comment by Karen R. on October 26, 2013 at 8:31pm

Wow, thanks so much Anne.  My hearts hurts with yours and I can totally appreciate what you shared. In my son's case, he was deliberately chased into oncoming traffic in a residential area by a police officer driving a UNMARKED SUV that had no lights or sirens activated while my son was riding his friend's motorcycle. Since my son's case investigation, that involves a key witness and expert witness engineers, this all occurred because this officer of the "law" just decided to be a jerk and harass my son and chase him down, my son would've had no idea who was behind the wheel of this vehicle, hence it has been discovered that he was not witnessed committing a felonious act, not even a mere traffic violation. My son was taken to the hospital listed as a "John Doe" because they said he had no form of ID on him. My son was in ICU for over 30 hrs before I learned where he was. They never contacted me, when I went to the hospital a nurse pulled me aside and told me off the record, that the police new who my son was. The police told me that he was involved in a motor vehicle "ACCIDENT" only but a patient advocate said to me one day my son's bedside that it was terrible that the police had chased him. When she saw the shocked looked on my face, she assumed I knew already, that's when my suspicions were alerted. The police totally denied that he was ever being pursued. I did my own detective work and found a key witness that was directly involved and she reassured me that there absolutely was a chase, and that there was nothing to identify this vehicle as a police vehicle, I was able to obtain 3 different accident reports with all different information. The police dept has even tried to get this key witness to change her testimony. During this investigation we have learned of a cover up by this police department but their story has crumbled. I filed a claim and a judge agreed that my son's case had to move forward, despite the police officer's attempt to have the case thrown out. So now we are preparing for trial.

Comment by anne on October 26, 2013 at 1:06pm

Teresa you make my heart sing!

Karen I know exactly how you feel. When my Ben was killed the man that ran the stop sign, and hit my daughter, and killed my son had 2 of his own children in his truck. I was livid! I wanted him in my presence so I could choke the life right out of him as he did my son with his recklessness. The day came when we went to court, as the man was driving a company truck with a machine trailer hitched to it. I came out of the arbitrary room and there he was. There were several lawyers standing their, and were looking quite shocked because I wasn't supposed to meet the man that killed my son. Also that day the pictures of the accident were sent around the table to the different lawyers, and one of them accidently handed them to me. I saw my son dead in that car. I almost puked right there. Then when I walked out of that room there he was, the man that killed my son, and crippled my daughter. I don't know how it happened. I was quite shocked at my own behavior, but I walked up to him, hugged him, and said I forgive you. It was like something out of a crazy movie. I looked around, and all of those top notch lawyers had tears in their eyes. The man was punished for what he did, but I believe his knowing that he took another wonderful human life was a punishment he will carry for the rest of his life. I forgave him for me. I forgave him because I was not willing to carry that burden and that anger for the rest of my life. I had enough to deal with. I hope The man that should've helped your son gets his punishment, but I also hope you wont have to carry the burden of anger towards him. I believe that people who do things like this will have to atone for their actions in one way or another. You beautiful son was robbed of his life, and you were robbed of your son, so was I, and many others. That's why I wont let the man that killed my  son rob me of anything else. Peace to you all!

Comment by Teresa D. on October 26, 2013 at 9:38am

I'm sitting here thinking October is almost over already. The holidays are coming, last year I didn't participate at all.  I couldn't. 

Then I started to think about Michael of course and I remembered the year he was about 5 years old and he told me he knew there was no Santa. He's reasoning was if Santa's elves made the toys they wouldn't have barcodes on them. After that I would tell anyone can be Santa and that's how he stays alive.

As an adult he would show up at his friend's house with toys for their kids and tell them Santa left them out side on the step.

Every thanksgiving, besides my dad, Michael would have the biggest plate. We would all laugh and joke about Michael and his ability to eat.

And because Michael was always such a character he supplied all the funny stories at the table. Either he told them or someone told them about him.

He spent his last holidays with me.  God gave me that. Whenever he came no matter how big, strong or old he became I would still treat him like my Lil' Michael, my smurf, and he let me.

I'm only 5 ft tall, Michael would lean his arm on my head and laugh.

And never walked away without giving me a big bear hug with a kiss and a "Love you".  

I miss my buddy. I miss us talking.     

Comment by Teresa D. on October 26, 2013 at 9:11am

Hugs and Love to all!

Comment by Karen R. on October 25, 2013 at 9:30pm

Hey everyone, Anne, thanks for sharing some your experiences, I have to agree what you said about getting it out.  Being able to express myself to those that truly get it helps because my family, including my children, don't seem to get "IT". I try to hide my pain from them all. I think I'm not letting anything 'good' in my life because of the guilt I have from terminating my son's life support, I feel like I had a hand in his demise. I feel like I let him down and gave up on him. I also have so much anger towards the person that is responsible for doing this to my son, the same person that did nothing....and that his by his own words, nothing to help my son even though he lay there critically injured and he his trained in basic life support, he's a veteran police officer. His whole department's cover up of what truly happened is finally being exposed, the truth is coming to the light and I will not rest until he is held accountable for his reckless behavior. My son was robbed of his young life, I want him here, NOW, not later!

Sending hugs to all.

Comment by anne on October 25, 2013 at 6:18pm

To all, When you come here you should let it out. Writing has been the best way I have found to let it out. It has to come out. I figured I didn't get a choice when my children died, but I do have a choice in how I let out the poison that builds up in my heart from grief. Everyone learns by trial, and error what works best for them. When I come here I have over the years learned a thing or two from everyone here. Some work, some don't. Often When I read posts here, I take parts of things, and I  switch them around so it's comfortable for me. For me the first step was to allow myself to feel bad. It got out of hand every once in a while, and there were plenty of times I could do nothing but cry.  I used to wear myself out to exhaustion.Screaming, crying, Yelling, swearing, and pounding my fists on a pillow. Then I started to keep a journal again, and I began to write. I wrote everything I felt. It poured out of me like water from a faucet on those pages, and trust me there are pages that I wouldn't even share with my husband of 31 years. Now I look back at those journals, and I'm amazed that I lived through it all. I was also amazed by the all of the love that was on those pages too. I couldn't see it then because grief is so dark, and devastating nothing good could penetrate it. Sometimes I couldn't help it, and sometimes I chose to not let any good in my life. I thought I didn't deserve it. I believed that it was my fault that my little boy was dead, and burned.
There was no changing my mind on that for a long time. I had to go through the dark to get to the light. Much easier said than done. So I say let it out! If I'm writing than I'm not hurting anyone or myself when i'm feeling like my world is gone. When I write I describe the pain, and what it feels like. I write honestly to myself my anger, blame, and all the other feelings that go with it. I was surprised that I could feel so far down in the hole. Writing has really helped me survive this thing called grief.  I'm back my sweet Ben. Your mama is keeping her promise to you. I love you, and miss you much!

Comment by dream moon JO B on October 25, 2013 at 3:47pm

i cnt hav kids but iv got 1 or 2 frnds tht hav lost kids 1 frnd shirly tht is related 2 my cuzen but shirly is not reltated 2 me lost her son 2 yrs ago he wz 37 wn he died a old skl buddy of me only had his litl grl for 1 day he cnt get over it it split his marige up it did 1 or 2 family hav lost kids 2 wish i hav posted a few tms on dfrtn t grps 

1 of my poor cuzens hospitl md her giv birth 2 a still brn son thy wudnt giv her c sec thy saed she wud be beter off givng brth 2 her ded son 2 me tht seams cruel it dose 

i jst hp thr is no mre death in famly i no a lot of yng 1s on my dads sd dnt evn get pst 40 or 50 

Comment by Karen R. on October 25, 2013 at 8:33am

Thanks to Adrianne, Linda and Teresa...thanks to all. I push forward

for my other children but it's so hard and my faith has been

weakened....that's an improvement because I felt like it was totally

destroyed. Sometimes I still feel like I'm being punished for something

I've done wrong, I guess I just try to rationalize why this happened

Sending hugs and my love to all, thanks again.  

Comment by Teresa D. on October 25, 2013 at 6:16am

Karen, ramble all you want, we understand!  I'm just as guilty as you.

Anne, all I can say is AMEN!

I look at everyday passing as a day closer to Michael.  But I can't give up because I still have a daughter that hasn't given up on me.

Linda, that must have been so hard to see two of your children go through cancer. My dad passed from cancer.  HUGS!

Next week I'm going to meet with Michael's old hockey coach.   Michael loved hockey and played it growing up.  My ex-husband and I want to figure out how to support kids who can't afford to play.  I think Michael would love that. 

 

Comment by linda hernandez on October 25, 2013 at 4:45am

Karen i don know if this will help it did me and i lost my daughter 22 yrs ago to cancer next month and my 39 yr old last year to a rear form was never ready to loose neither of them love them both very much and  my life is one i live so strong to god so that when my day comes i now i will be there hopes these words help you they have me

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