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Comment by Teresa D. on October 26, 2013 at 9:38am

I'm sitting here thinking October is almost over already. The holidays are coming, last year I didn't participate at all.  I couldn't. 

Then I started to think about Michael of course and I remembered the year he was about 5 years old and he told me he knew there was no Santa. He's reasoning was if Santa's elves made the toys they wouldn't have barcodes on them. After that I would tell anyone can be Santa and that's how he stays alive.

As an adult he would show up at his friend's house with toys for their kids and tell them Santa left them out side on the step.

Every thanksgiving, besides my dad, Michael would have the biggest plate. We would all laugh and joke about Michael and his ability to eat.

And because Michael was always such a character he supplied all the funny stories at the table. Either he told them or someone told them about him.

He spent his last holidays with me.  God gave me that. Whenever he came no matter how big, strong or old he became I would still treat him like my Lil' Michael, my smurf, and he let me.

I'm only 5 ft tall, Michael would lean his arm on my head and laugh.

And never walked away without giving me a big bear hug with a kiss and a "Love you".  

I miss my buddy. I miss us talking.     

Comment by Teresa D. on October 26, 2013 at 9:11am

Hugs and Love to all!

Comment by Karen R. on October 25, 2013 at 9:30pm

Hey everyone, Anne, thanks for sharing some your experiences, I have to agree what you said about getting it out.  Being able to express myself to those that truly get it helps because my family, including my children, don't seem to get "IT". I try to hide my pain from them all. I think I'm not letting anything 'good' in my life because of the guilt I have from terminating my son's life support, I feel like I had a hand in his demise. I feel like I let him down and gave up on him. I also have so much anger towards the person that is responsible for doing this to my son, the same person that did nothing....and that his by his own words, nothing to help my son even though he lay there critically injured and he his trained in basic life support, he's a veteran police officer. His whole department's cover up of what truly happened is finally being exposed, the truth is coming to the light and I will not rest until he is held accountable for his reckless behavior. My son was robbed of his young life, I want him here, NOW, not later!

Sending hugs to all.

Comment by anne on October 25, 2013 at 6:18pm

To all, When you come here you should let it out. Writing has been the best way I have found to let it out. It has to come out. I figured I didn't get a choice when my children died, but I do have a choice in how I let out the poison that builds up in my heart from grief. Everyone learns by trial, and error what works best for them. When I come here I have over the years learned a thing or two from everyone here. Some work, some don't. Often When I read posts here, I take parts of things, and I  switch them around so it's comfortable for me. For me the first step was to allow myself to feel bad. It got out of hand every once in a while, and there were plenty of times I could do nothing but cry.  I used to wear myself out to exhaustion.Screaming, crying, Yelling, swearing, and pounding my fists on a pillow. Then I started to keep a journal again, and I began to write. I wrote everything I felt. It poured out of me like water from a faucet on those pages, and trust me there are pages that I wouldn't even share with my husband of 31 years. Now I look back at those journals, and I'm amazed that I lived through it all. I was also amazed by the all of the love that was on those pages too. I couldn't see it then because grief is so dark, and devastating nothing good could penetrate it. Sometimes I couldn't help it, and sometimes I chose to not let any good in my life. I thought I didn't deserve it. I believed that it was my fault that my little boy was dead, and burned.
There was no changing my mind on that for a long time. I had to go through the dark to get to the light. Much easier said than done. So I say let it out! If I'm writing than I'm not hurting anyone or myself when i'm feeling like my world is gone. When I write I describe the pain, and what it feels like. I write honestly to myself my anger, blame, and all the other feelings that go with it. I was surprised that I could feel so far down in the hole. Writing has really helped me survive this thing called grief.  I'm back my sweet Ben. Your mama is keeping her promise to you. I love you, and miss you much!

Comment by dream moon JO B on October 25, 2013 at 3:47pm

i cnt hav kids but iv got 1 or 2 frnds tht hav lost kids 1 frnd shirly tht is related 2 my cuzen but shirly is not reltated 2 me lost her son 2 yrs ago he wz 37 wn he died a old skl buddy of me only had his litl grl for 1 day he cnt get over it it split his marige up it did 1 or 2 family hav lost kids 2 wish i hav posted a few tms on dfrtn t grps 

1 of my poor cuzens hospitl md her giv birth 2 a still brn son thy wudnt giv her c sec thy saed she wud be beter off givng brth 2 her ded son 2 me tht seams cruel it dose 

i jst hp thr is no mre death in famly i no a lot of yng 1s on my dads sd dnt evn get pst 40 or 50 

Comment by Karen R. on October 25, 2013 at 8:33am

Thanks to Adrianne, Linda and Teresa...thanks to all. I push forward

for my other children but it's so hard and my faith has been

weakened....that's an improvement because I felt like it was totally

destroyed. Sometimes I still feel like I'm being punished for something

I've done wrong, I guess I just try to rationalize why this happened

Sending hugs and my love to all, thanks again.  

Comment by Teresa D. on October 25, 2013 at 6:16am

Karen, ramble all you want, we understand!  I'm just as guilty as you.

Anne, all I can say is AMEN!

I look at everyday passing as a day closer to Michael.  But I can't give up because I still have a daughter that hasn't given up on me.

Linda, that must have been so hard to see two of your children go through cancer. My dad passed from cancer.  HUGS!

Next week I'm going to meet with Michael's old hockey coach.   Michael loved hockey and played it growing up.  My ex-husband and I want to figure out how to support kids who can't afford to play.  I think Michael would love that. 

 

Comment by linda hernandez on October 25, 2013 at 4:45am

Karen i don know if this will help it did me and i lost my daughter 22 yrs ago to cancer next month and my 39 yr old last year to a rear form was never ready to loose neither of them love them both very much and  my life is one i live so strong to god so that when my day comes i now i will be there hopes these words help you they have me

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on October 24, 2013 at 11:50pm

Oh Karen. I am crying for you. I completely understand. I feel I'm just here waiting to die so I can hold my son.

Comment by Karen R. on October 24, 2013 at 10:16pm

Hello to all. My tears are flowing as I feel like they will never stop. I still can't grasp this "thought" that my son is gone. There are voices in my head that are softly saying that it's true, he's gone, that this tragedy really happened but I bark and yell back at them and proclaim that it's simply NOT true! This pain is torture. Why is it that just because this is the ugly side of life on this earth, makes it ok, how can it be ok? I know there are things we can not change, I totally get that but way down deep, deep into my motherly soul, deep in my heart.....what's left of it, I can't help but still hope a miracle. Is crazy as it may sound , yes a miracle. The miracle that would show me that this was all a terrible mistake and that my son will be coming through the front door any moment.  I still open up doors in my house anxiously expecting to see him sitting on my bed watching television or see him in the basement....his usual spot. I still peek out of windows looking to see him walking towards our house or maybe in our backyard. I still look for him walking somewhere, hoping maybe he's just lost. My sanity completely leaves me at times. Sometimes I wonder why I'm supposed to be "better' and I wonder what does that mean exactly and how or will I ever achieve that. I can't think of one single thing that's good about any of this, I can't think of one benefit. Some may say, one is the person is no longer suffering but I'd rather have no one suffer to begin with.  In my perfect world, no one would suffer, and best case scenario would be we all live forever and worst case, we all live to be at least a 100yrs old and pass away peacefully in our sleep but I know that's not the reality of this sometime cruel world we live in. Each passing day is just a cold reminder to me that I can't see my son. Pictures and memories are not nearly enough, he's not a mere memory to me, to others maybe but not me. He's my son and he had a life and I never wanted to experience him losing his before mine's. Sorry for all the rambling, it's just no one else I can my thoughts with.

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