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Comment by Teresa D. on November 4, 2013 at 6:15am

I cry when I'm in the shower, I cry when I'm in the car alone, hell I cry whenever I'm alone.  I guess that's why I hate hearing people say "Your so strong" If they took a shower with me they would know I'm not feeling strong at all.  I just do my grieving these days more privately.

Two people I just meant asked me about my son the other day and of course I had to tell them he passed.  Their faces turned so sad looking.  Without thinking I told them to take the sad looks off their faces cause it wasn't their kid nor did they know him so I am the only one that gets to have the sad look.

I want to talk about Michael like I always did but I don't want to find myself in that corner of having to say he passed. For two reasons I don't like saying it and I don't like the faces I get when I do. I haven't figured it out yet, but I don't think my answer the other day was the right one.

My weekend with friends was nice.  Until they started sharing grand baby stories.  I went into my bathroom, cried and returned hoping the conversation was over.  I don't want them not to talk about them, I have known these girls for a long time, two of them I knew them as a kid myself, so I don't want to miss these milestones in their lives.  But I won't lie and say I'm not jealous.

There's so much to figure out.  I don't think others realize the struggles we go through.  It's like you have to find yourself all over again. And no matter what to me I still have two kids.  I will never stop talking about Michael or loving him. 

Karen your not alone.  There's days I know I'm the crazy lady.   

Comment by Karen R. on November 3, 2013 at 9:09pm

Connie, "THE EARTH ALWAYS GIVES US BEAUTY WHEN WE CAN'T FEEL ANY", wow, so beautifully said and so true, that warmed my heart :)

Sending hugs and well wishes to all here, we can help each other walk to through this, my tears are flowing with you all.

Comment by Karen R. on November 3, 2013 at 9:03pm

Lynn, I know what you mean about feeling like you're the "CRAZY LADY" walking and crying, I have experienced that many many times. When it comes and hits you, sometimes it just pours out, mine's seem to come most often when I'm driving. Maybe because I'm usually alone when I'm driving and I don't have to hide.

Comment by Karen R. on November 3, 2013 at 8:57pm

Teresa D., it's wonderful to hear that you have such supportive friends and it's great to have distractions, hope you manage to have some fun.

Comment by Karen R. on November 3, 2013 at 8:46pm

Vasanthi, congrats on your great news :)! Thanks for sharing your blessings, nice to hear your prospective, gave me something positive to think about.

Comment by Connie K on November 2, 2013 at 1:05pm

Lynn - being outside helps me the most also. It is hard to get the mojo going just to go to the nursery and get plants. So good job on that! The earth always gives us beauty when we can't feel any. I might have to wait til spring though. Hugs to all

Comment by Lynn Williams on November 2, 2013 at 10:59am

Just went out for a long walk with my dog and every time someone past me I had to put up my sunglasses.  Didn't want anyone to say who is that crazy lady walking and crying.  Now off to plant some bulbs in the garden.  It is a warm sunny day in Vermont for November and being outside helps me the most.  It's a few minutes before noon half way through another day. Most times I find myself wishing the time away, it is 11 weeks today she died and my 63rd birthday is on next Friday.  This is so so hard, trying to cope anyway I can

Comment by Teresa D. on November 2, 2013 at 7:45am

That's great you ladies might have an opportunity to meet.  Dolly I'm really glad your attacks stopped and I'm glad that is all is was. 

I invited my 3 best friends over for a bonfire. That's my thing lately, surrounding myself with the positive and supportive people in my life.

Looking forward to today.  They don't mind when I cry out of no where.  They allow me to cry, say what I need to say then distract me back to what we are doing. 

The hardest thing for me is they are all grandmoms now and me nothing.   I'm going to try and not think about it and just enjoy the day and my company. 

I love you guys!!!!!

Comment by Vasanthi S on November 1, 2013 at 10:45am

Dolly, Thanks.. am settling in and Craig does everything to see that its easy.. just feel at times that its all a little surreal.. I sometimes keep wishing I could just call Micks and tell him all the little daily things..then i wonder where the hell he is,Do come and visit and stay at any time you want..I will take good care of u.. thats a promise..

Anne, it hurts to even think that we are talking about the 'beauty of their lives' and such things.. just brings home how awful this is..

Karen, I want to stop counting the time , u know what I mean? yet December looms large and 23rd Dec it will be two years.. my heart feels heavy that so much of time has passed and so much has happened without me seeking it and so much more will happen in this lifetime which will remain unshared :( not good friends, not good to bear such a huge burden and try and try and try to live well.

Comment by Karen R. on October 31, 2013 at 9:21pm

Yeah Anne, I know what you mean.

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