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Comment by Teresa D. on November 5, 2013 at 5:45am

Dolly, Brandon has touched my life.

Karen, I get it.  My mom to my great surprise has not been able to comfort me at all.  She tells me not to talk about him and she won't allow me to cry around her.  Your ever so right, who would choose to be in this state.

Comment by Karen R. on November 4, 2013 at 10:01pm

oops, Sorry for the typos

Comment by Karen R. on November 4, 2013 at 9:23pm

This a song by Beyoncé, called 'I  Was Here". Every time I hear it, I tell myself that this is what my son is say to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=i41qWJ6QjPI

Comment by Karen R. on November 4, 2013 at 9:07pm

Hello to all, just need to vent about the un-sensitive thing my mom said to me today. For all that know me, its no secret how much I hate taking pictures, I'm always the one that runs from the camera, I've just always been that way for as long as I can remember. All of my family and close friends can,'t stand that I do that. Well you can only imagine that it's only gotten worse since my son passed/crossed over because it's even more difficult for me to smile, it's like its become painful to smile so I just fake it. Well this evening, my dad wanted to take a picture of me and I did my usual song and dance about not wanting to take it but I gave in just to get it over with and then my mom said to me that I "CHOOSE TO LOOK UNHAPPY"!!  She said that I was doing it on purpose! I was so hurt and so offended, she has no idea how insensitive that sounded to me, I just swallowed it and asked her why would I do that on purpose. She just repeated it irritatingly and I stopped responding. I wanted to scream who the hell would choose to look sad, was she implying that I was just trying to get attention? Who would choose to be in this kind of pain? Who would volunteer for this crap? I was so upset but I stayed quiet. She just reminded me why I go out of my way to hide my pain and my emotions when I'm in her presence. Let my mom tell it, I'm just fine as long as she sees no tears or hears any crying or wailing.....Karen's just great! What she doesn't get is when my tears are not flowing on the outside, they're always flowing on the inside. I don't know, maybe I'm reading into it too deep but I still feel like it was cold. I'm tired of justifying my grief and my pain to those that just don't get it, whether it be my mother or my other children.  My son's life was not my imagination! Just because 'these THINGS happen', doesn't make it more acceptable or easier for me, just because we will all have the same fate and no day is promised to us, doesn't ease my pain or make me stop missing my son. Thanks for listening.

Comment by Vasanthi S on November 4, 2013 at 5:37pm

Anne how true.. love can never be severed.. I cant imagine the agony u must have felt and the hot shower would certainly be traumatic to you.. like i wd imagine my head exploding every time i sat in a car...i see these lovely small snapshots of our children here and feel they are so much with us through it all.. they also would want their parents to be ok and if they could would let us know how much we mean to them..hugsss to u all.. Connie.. such difficult times and that too everyday.. Dawn we are all with u... Grace, Dolly, Michelle... I feel for us all ,xoxoxox

Comment by anne on November 4, 2013 at 5:35pm

The sun is setting over the west pasture now. Night will soon be upon me. The wind is dying down, and so is the temperature. I used to enjoy the end of the day, until my world came crashing down around me, but I find that as time goes by, the sunsets are beginning to look most beautiful to me again. Next week will be Lil Dels 27rh birthday. I wonder what he would look like? What he's doing, and is Ben there with him? Even though I know in my heart that he has been well taken care, and loved, I still cant help but wonder how different life would be if he was still here. It's a subject that is difficult for me to think about. I don't know why I'm thinking about it now? Yesterday I went pheasant hunting with my husband. Since the boys are gone, and I had gained so much weight between the two, I couldn't walk very far, my husband quit hunting because he doesn't like to go alone,  and losing the boys took the specialness of it away. So I went with him. We didn't shoot anything, but walking through all of those fields, breathing in the good fresh air, and feeling like one with nature. I forgot how helpful  it is to walk those fields. The world is such a beautiful place. To bad burying our children has to be a part of it. Peace, and understanding to all!

Comment by anne on November 4, 2013 at 12:04pm

I just wanted to tell all of you that, every child is important. In God's eyes every child is beautiful, and special. I still cry my eyes out in the shower. When all of this first happened I couldn't even take a hot shower because it felt like fire on my skin, so I took many cold showers, and sometimes I didn't shower at all. I can shower now when my PTSD is not triggered, but I still cry in there. The beauty of the earth is a gift! All of our children are loved, and death cannot sever that love ever, ever, ever! 

Comment by Grace on November 4, 2013 at 10:57am

Just catching up on all of the comments here... Teresa, I also cry in the shower and when I am alone... I also read where you do not like to see the sad faces when you tell someone you have Lost a child...You do not want to see the sad faces... and Dolly feels like the world has totally ignored her Brandon... kind of a sad funny... I had the disabled kid too,,, where I wanted the world to know HE WAS MY KID.... but sad faces might indicate that he mattered.... a smiling face might tell us that  "It was a Blessing in disguise"  (I Hate when People say that,,, ) Or "The Lord only gives us what we can handle" )  You are right... they should get in the shower with us....

Comment by Vasanthi S on November 4, 2013 at 8:08am

hugssssss.. what a lovely pic Dolly.. so soothing..love to all my dearest friends here .. 

Comment by Lynn Williams on November 4, 2013 at 8:07am

today I am going to fill out the application to be a substitute in our regional district.  I retired this past June from teaching middle school.  I sometimes thought about doing this before Kyra died.  I don't want the stress and pressure of being in charge of a class but being a para

will get me out of the house a couple of days a week this winter.  Yesterday I was back in the pit, cried all day even, visiting a friend I cried.  Later I will go for another long walk with my dog.  Most of my friends are still working so not many people around to do things with. Hope today I feel some lightness.

 

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