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Comment by anne on November 6, 2013 at 7:10pm

Good for you Michelle! Doing little things for ourselves is a good coping skill. It doesn't take away the pain, or the grief, but it lets us put it in the back if only for a moment. I have found that if I allow myself the time to have a quiet moment, that time has taught  me a few coping skills I need to get by. I realize that no one can do that for me. I have to do some things for myself, such as taking walks, or listening to music, or whatever feels right at that moment. Even if I really don't think I want to, sometimes it's the best thing for me! It's hard sometimes to remember that not everyone knows how we feel because they have not walked in our shoes. It's true people shy away because they don't want to feel our pain. I had a friend whose daughter died a few years after my little boy died. I didn't know her very well at the time, but I did everything I could to help her. Then when my Ben died she called me at the hospital where my daughter was in ICU, and me not knowing if she would live. She told me she couldn't be my friend anymore because I was a jinx, and she didn't want to lose her son too. At first I was horrified wondering if I was a jinx. Then I got angry. How could she do this to me at a time when I really needed a friend ,she bailed like that on me. We are no longer friends. I still answer her call once a year when its the anniversary of her daughters death, because I would never turn anyone away like that, but otherwise we are not friends anymore. Those that haven't walked in my shoes I try to forgive because I don't want anyone to know this kind of pain. I do however get really frustrated, and angry with those who have walked in my shoes, and treat me bad. I cut those out of my life, including my own family members.

The deep dark hole. Over the years I have realized that every time I fall down in that deep dark hole I learn more, and more how to dig my way out. It's kind of like the story of the donkey who fell in the hole, and was afraid he'd die down there, but each time dirt was piled on top of him he used that dirt as a stepping stone so he could get closer, and closer to getting out. Silly analogy, but it makes sense to me. I still fall down in that hole, and there is always someone throwing dirt on top of me, but now I use that dirt to my advantage! I hope, and pray that someday all of you will also learn how to climb out of the hole even when the dirt comes down on you. For me because I know that I will live with the deaths of my sons, for the rest of my life, I'm the only one who can dig myself out. I have dug out of some of the deepest holes that one couldn't even imagine. Sometimes I have found myself out of the hole without knowing how I got out. I'm very stubborn. In the beginning I just wanted to be buried in that nasty hole. Then I had to make the biggest decision of my life. Do I quit, or do I fight? I decided that quitting was just too easy. I went round, and round with that question for a long time. Now quitting is not an option for me. That's where the stubbornness kicks in. I had to give myself time, patience, and love. I gave myself those three things, and here I am! This journey will never be easy, and it will never end, but I will survive. I'm going to say it again because it's the truth. We all grieve, and handle death different. We all have common denominators like snowflakes, but we all travel this journey in many different ways, and at many different levels of time. There is no right or wrong way to walk through this. Sometimes I wish I could run through it, but that doesn't happen either, so I just do the best I can one day at a time. Somedays I can only do it one minute at a time, and that's ok with me. There is no time limit for any of us. There are plenty of days that I have to let the pain, and grief wash over me because I believe I have to let it out. I'm careful though of when, where, and who I let it out to, but I do allow myself to let it out.

Comment by Michelle H on November 6, 2013 at 5:59pm

Judy, my heart breaks for you that you also lost your beloved Kaylee. Each time I lose a precious dog, it hurts so much. I can empathize with your additional pain.

Comment by Michelle H on November 6, 2013 at 5:51pm

I'm posting a response that I sent to Jane's asking me if I am OK because I haven't been posting in some time lately...

Life has been crazy lately, so although I have been reading messages, I haven't been posting. This November is a difficult month for me. Last November 22 was Thanksgiving and the last day I ever saw my son, even though he's only been gone since this March. It was the first holiday in many that he and his wife spent with my family and thus was very special. I didn't know, thank God, that it would be the last time I would ever lay eyes on him. Due to the circumstances of his death, I didn't see him after he passed away, which makes it doubly hard to comprehend that he's even gone. I have been having more anxiety than usual, but fortunately, my sleep has improved recently.

I did something good for myself last week. I knew I needed some time away, alone. It took me awhile to figure out where I could go that I could drive to and would be meaningful. Finally, it hit me: go to Notre Dame where both Chris and my daughter went to college. So I left my dogs with my husband and drove there. I left last Monday and came back Wednesday afternoon. I did a lot of praying and reflecting there in order to connect with Chris. It definitely was the right place to go. I walked the same sidewalks that my kids walked, touched the door of my son's dorm that he must have touched hundreds, if not thousands of times. I took a lot of photos on campus because it was so beautiful with the fall leaves. I felt more at peace than I have in a long time. I wish it could have lasted, but real life has a way of letting you know that those calm, peaceful times don't last forever.

I hope everyone is doing well. I think of each and every one of you daily and thank God that we all have one another for support and understanding.

Comment by anne on November 6, 2013 at 5:31pm

Someday this world will be a perfect place!

Comment by Teresa D. on November 6, 2013 at 5:32am

I can't handle the thought of anymore loss right now.

My mom, I hate to admit it but my visits to see her have become fewer. 

I wanted to call Michael last night and tell him everything like I use to do, instead I just cried myself to sleep.  This hurts to the core.

Comment by Karen R. on November 5, 2013 at 10:39pm

Thanks Dawn, I need the hugs, I wish I was getting more from some of my family members.

Comment by Karen R. on November 5, 2013 at 10:36pm

Jane, thanks for sharing.

Comment by Karen R. on November 5, 2013 at 10:35pm

Just sending hugs to all and want to thank everyone for their support, it's amazing that through all of our own pain, we manage to be able to listen and not judge and send all of our 'cyber' hugs.....thanks guys.

Comment by Karen R. on November 5, 2013 at 10:30pm

Yes Connie, I think that song is awesome as well.

Comment by Karen R. on November 5, 2013 at 10:29pm

Anne thanks so much for your support, maybe you're right about my mom not being able to stand me being in so much pain, I still love my mother very much but it was very hurtful, it's like I'm getting use to it, really sad though. I'm also sorry about what your experience has been, sending (((hugs)))

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