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Comment by Lynn Williams on November 7, 2013 at 9:42am

I feel like I am wishing my life away.  Every morning feels like a pit, knowing she is no longer here, where I can see her.  The afternoons get a little better.  Its been three months now and it feels like forever.  How did you all make it to a year going through this pain.  I have a therapy appointment in an hour and I know talking will help.  I wish my other daughter wasn't so far away.  Some days, I feel so lonely.  Beautiful pictures, Vasanthi and Dolly.     

Comment by Vasanthi S on November 7, 2013 at 9:00am

Dolly, got both the pics .. attached them below.. i was poring over the pics and had enlarged these to see whats on his shirt...

Comment by Vasanthi S on November 7, 2013 at 8:59am

Comment by Vasanthi S on November 7, 2013 at 8:58am

Comment by Vasanthi S on November 7, 2013 at 8:52am

Yes Dolly, because of the timing and the dilemma at the time... and all i used to do was read n re-read all our daily chats n have coffee and re-read and see his pics and weep and have coffee and read the chats-- i desperately prayed that i die and the response from shreyas especially that concerned frown on the face shook me out of it.. hugsss.. if i can find that pic on my comp will attach it here .

Comment by Teresa D. on November 7, 2013 at 6:07am

Anne at first I thought the ending was going to be how you and the other mom bonded, my jaw dropped when I read the part about the phone call. How in her mind she justified that phone call is beyond me.   

I'm fighting as hard as I can.  It's just so hard when you've been hurt to the core. 

 

 

 

Comment by Vasanthi S on November 7, 2013 at 4:55am

Anne ,your post helped me..I go through the same question.. went through it.. Can i just bury myself in the nearest hole and never ever get out? or do i fight back? Once I was going through Mick's pics and the last time he was with me ,I had clicked a pic of him sitting on a swing in our lawn.. he was frowning because I wasn't getting the camera operation rt..I kind of enlarged the pic that day and on his t-shirt was written...." You got to fight back NOW"... I simply sat and cried and cried  and then over the next few days concentrated on centering myself.. what a struggle this life is , how much we fight to just stay a little ok and how much we do to see that people around also have a degree of comfort, how difficult this entire stretch ahead is..its all so overwhelming and all too much..problems keep cropping up , small ones, big ones, those that need attention and those we think can be pushed behind somewhere.. how does one cope?.. u r rt anne... one day/minute/second at a time...have a peace filled day my friends.

Comment by Karen R. on November 6, 2013 at 10:38pm

Just checking in to say good night, I read the latest postings and I'm a little overwhelmed to comment. ((hugs)) to all.

Comment by anne on November 6, 2013 at 7:10pm

Good for you Michelle! Doing little things for ourselves is a good coping skill. It doesn't take away the pain, or the grief, but it lets us put it in the back if only for a moment. I have found that if I allow myself the time to have a quiet moment, that time has taught  me a few coping skills I need to get by. I realize that no one can do that for me. I have to do some things for myself, such as taking walks, or listening to music, or whatever feels right at that moment. Even if I really don't think I want to, sometimes it's the best thing for me! It's hard sometimes to remember that not everyone knows how we feel because they have not walked in our shoes. It's true people shy away because they don't want to feel our pain. I had a friend whose daughter died a few years after my little boy died. I didn't know her very well at the time, but I did everything I could to help her. Then when my Ben died she called me at the hospital where my daughter was in ICU, and me not knowing if she would live. She told me she couldn't be my friend anymore because I was a jinx, and she didn't want to lose her son too. At first I was horrified wondering if I was a jinx. Then I got angry. How could she do this to me at a time when I really needed a friend ,she bailed like that on me. We are no longer friends. I still answer her call once a year when its the anniversary of her daughters death, because I would never turn anyone away like that, but otherwise we are not friends anymore. Those that haven't walked in my shoes I try to forgive because I don't want anyone to know this kind of pain. I do however get really frustrated, and angry with those who have walked in my shoes, and treat me bad. I cut those out of my life, including my own family members.

The deep dark hole. Over the years I have realized that every time I fall down in that deep dark hole I learn more, and more how to dig my way out. It's kind of like the story of the donkey who fell in the hole, and was afraid he'd die down there, but each time dirt was piled on top of him he used that dirt as a stepping stone so he could get closer, and closer to getting out. Silly analogy, but it makes sense to me. I still fall down in that hole, and there is always someone throwing dirt on top of me, but now I use that dirt to my advantage! I hope, and pray that someday all of you will also learn how to climb out of the hole even when the dirt comes down on you. For me because I know that I will live with the deaths of my sons, for the rest of my life, I'm the only one who can dig myself out. I have dug out of some of the deepest holes that one couldn't even imagine. Sometimes I have found myself out of the hole without knowing how I got out. I'm very stubborn. In the beginning I just wanted to be buried in that nasty hole. Then I had to make the biggest decision of my life. Do I quit, or do I fight? I decided that quitting was just too easy. I went round, and round with that question for a long time. Now quitting is not an option for me. That's where the stubbornness kicks in. I had to give myself time, patience, and love. I gave myself those three things, and here I am! This journey will never be easy, and it will never end, but I will survive. I'm going to say it again because it's the truth. We all grieve, and handle death different. We all have common denominators like snowflakes, but we all travel this journey in many different ways, and at many different levels of time. There is no right or wrong way to walk through this. Sometimes I wish I could run through it, but that doesn't happen either, so I just do the best I can one day at a time. Somedays I can only do it one minute at a time, and that's ok with me. There is no time limit for any of us. There are plenty of days that I have to let the pain, and grief wash over me because I believe I have to let it out. I'm careful though of when, where, and who I let it out to, but I do allow myself to let it out.

Comment by Michelle H on November 6, 2013 at 5:59pm

Judy, my heart breaks for you that you also lost your beloved Kaylee. Each time I lose a precious dog, it hurts so much. I can empathize with your additional pain.

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