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Comment by Patty on May 14, 2016 at 11:30am

I get where Jill is coming from. I am not made that way either. My husband went to a couple of group meetings at a local hospital for people who lost children and I could tell from his description that it wasn't for me. I went to his grief counselor a few times but I felt she was trying to get me "past" it. Well, I don't want to be past it. I would like to feel better than now so I didn't dread holidays so much and didn't feel so anxious in crowds of people. But getting "past" it to me feels like putting my daughter in the past. And she is as present tense to me as she ever was. We saw another grief counsellor together and that was a nightmare. I hated it. All he would do is the Griefshare Program (which is fine but I don't think most people who have lost an only child would be helped by it-just my opinion). I was suicidal and he had us filling out a freaking workbook. One on one with my pastor/counsellor friend was much better. We talked about MY child and how I would see her again. That was what I needed to hear. Now I just live to see her again. It's a sucky existence.

Comment by Jill E on May 12, 2016 at 6:44pm

I so understand about this site. I feel safe her I don't feel so alone. But I find times when I just can't come here. It is so comforting to know you all are here for me. I live in a small town so there is not a Compassionate Friends meeting close by. The way am made I believe that would only magnify my grief, reliving my situation and hearing the pain of others. I would absorb their grief also and pile it on top of mine. I don't think I could handle it. But I have this place. Thank you for being here when I need you. Hugs to all WYWH My Joshie I love you

Comment by Connie K on May 11, 2016 at 12:21pm

I know what you mean Michelle. I can't go to the meetings either. It just breaks my heart over and over and over. That's why I do the newsletter and that is difficult as well. Just like our grief...so goes our healing....in waves. I am glad to know you are all here if I need you and vice versa. It is nice to hear from you anytime. Hugs to all after THAT weekend!

Comment by Michelle H on May 11, 2016 at 10:48am

I find it's been difficult to come to this site...even in March when Chris' 3rd anniversary came and went. And now another Mother's Day without my son. I stopped going to Compassionate Friends about a year ago. I just got so tired of death. You're all still in my thoughts, though. I know this is hard...

Comment by Teresa D. on May 4, 2016 at 7:38am

Dolly, Brandon is so handsome. 

Connie, I get your husband.

Jill I think your right it starts to fell harder and more painful.  For me I think it's feels that way because once I came out of the shock and the disbelief, which took me 3 years, I think facing the reality was even harder.  Now I have to face it and figure out how to live without my Michael.  I have no idea how to do that. 

Comment by Jill E on May 3, 2016 at 8:08pm

I just want to back in time...do things, see things, feel things, treasure things differently more intensely. I just want to do it again and somehow prevent the end.
How can it be it is getting harder and even more painful. I love you my Joshie, I want one of your hugs so bad. Please take care and watch over your brother. I don't know how I keep going on without you. I love you. WYWH

Comment by Connie K on May 3, 2016 at 7:24pm

I know my son was in that court room, watching how much we love him and fight for him still. My husband said it was a chance to still act as a Dad on his behalf. Daniel was smiling I just know it....and saying"Yeah! to the judge.

Comment by Connie K on May 3, 2016 at 7:21pm

I understand how you feel Dolly. It's so hard to keep our hearts open. But But I think that's the best way to stay open to messages from them. So I will keep trying.

We had to go back to court to get an extension for the boy who caused the accident that killed my son. He was trying to get off before complying with the conditions. It helps a lot for the parents to be there and my dear husband went, wrote a powerful letter to the judge. And my son's friends saw a disgusting Facebook post he made threatening to run over these Harley Davidson (#*/>x and more expletives) and took a screen shot of it. We attached it to the letter. The judge was appalled that someone who had caused the death of someone else in his car would write what he did. He hasn't learned. How sad. And then he and his family lied again but got caught by the judge and I tell you it was like a tv Judge - she reamed him!!! He didn't walk out of the courtroom so smug after that! Justice was served. it's almost over - he has til May13th, Friday the 13th  to comply! But it's like when you win a war - you're the winner but you are left there with pain and death all over the battlefield.

God help us all.....

Love to you all - you are all courageous, caring people. Thank you for being here.

Comment by Dolly on May 3, 2016 at 6:18am

thank you kind people... I think I'm permanently frozen inside now.. always fearful and withdrawn from everything and everyone ... maybe I'm trying to encapsulate my heart and mind from having to face this horror .. trying not to care so deeply for anyone anymore because the losing is more than I can take.. if I care... but I do care even when I try not to.. so it won't work... nothing works..

Comment by Jill E on May 2, 2016 at 7:14pm

I just thought it was kind of beautiful to see the reflections in his glasses. It just kind of pulled at my heart. Seeing reflections of people that care about him in his glasses. Kind of special.
Love to you Dolly.

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