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Comment by Lynn Williams on November 11, 2013 at 4:24pm

what a great way to honor your son Teresa he is proud of you

Comment by Teresa D. on November 11, 2013 at 5:47am

The tournament is going to be my new holiday tradition.

I feel like I need to do something and I it's like I want to live Michael's life for him.

THANK YOU to all for your support.

Comment by anne on November 10, 2013 at 2:19pm

Teresa I'm so glad your hockey meeting went well!  You are very brave and strong to be doing this tournament. I hope it brings you some joy. I'm sure it will be awesome, and sad for you, but what a wonderful way to pay tribute to Michael! The coming time will be difficult, and an enormous challenge for us all. Every year I would wonder how it will hit me. Even after years I still wonder. I have learned to take the holidays one day at a time. I try not to think about it all at once. That gives me a severe headache, and makes me sadder, so I deal with each day as it comes. When my kids were young I used to take them out to our pine tree patch, and let them pick out a tree. Then I would cut it down, and we'd all carry the tree home. The Christmas before Lil Del died he, and Ben wanted to get the tree on their own. It was fine with the girls they didn't like the long walk, and the cold. I'm didn't know why then, but I was ok with it too! Soon up the road came Lil Del, and Ben carrying the tree up the road singing Oh Christmas Tree! I laughed till I cried! It was a little off, but to all of us it was the best tree ever. That was our last Christmas before all of our lives changed forever. I had a hard time thinking about that memory for a long time because I couldn't deal with the pain that came with it. Today as I write I'm thinking about that wonderful day, and instead of tears of sadness I have tears of joy! There are so many of these little memories that I had put away in my mind because the pain was so bad. I'm finding those memories again little by little. They are becoming memories I can feel good about, and not feel sad, and hopeless about. Fighting the pain, and the darkness is very hard, stressful, and can push you to limits you never knew you could deal with. After Lil Del died I didn't think I could ever come back. After what the medical people did to me, my family didn't think I could come back. I was finally coming back when Ben was killed, and my daughter was in a coma. They told me not to bury Ben because I might have to bury my daughter also. That was it for me. Then when I held Ben in my arms I promised him I would be strong, and that I would never let anyone do anything to me. In public I was strong. In private I fell apart. I didn't want anyone to see my pain for fear of being locked up. Then I found this site! It felt so good to blog, and get the pain out, not just in a journal, but to share the good, the bad, and the ugly of this grief. Now I know better how to deal with life, and to this day I take it one day at a time. Who knew that old cliché was the beginning to being able to remember things without folding up in tears, and pain. I believe in doing whatever is right in ones own heart to glue the pieces back together of a broken heart. I just never know which piece I will have to glue on next, but I try to take those pieces one at a time too. Peace, and Love to all.

Comment by Vasanthi S on November 10, 2013 at 2:18pm

Thinking of u all always ... 

Comment by Jane P on November 10, 2013 at 12:40pm

Ammy

The therapist I had, decided I needed much more "intense" counselling and "let me go". I am just going to do it on my own. There is no magic remedy for this. I am slowly coming to this realization.

Teresa

I wear sunglasses all the time. My eyes are always swollen and red. I hang my head in the sink during the attacks and try to wash my eyes with cold water. It's the reason I don't go out much. I like being by myself.

This is a bad time of the year for ALL OF US. It is the one day we will all have in common, Christmas Day.

I have chosen not to celebrate Christmas. Without Danielle, there is no joy.

Teresa

What a proud day it will be for you at the hockey tournament. I wish you well.

I am still trying to stay busy with volunteering and hiking!! Our local area has new hiking trails through the forest. I am comforted by both. But that's all I've got and I know it's not enough but it's all I can do right now.

It's going to be rough until we can get Christmas "under our belt".

I wish with all my heart none of us were here, on this page.

I do think of you all during my days. I can't believe any of us have to do this every moment of every day.

Comment by Teresa D. on November 10, 2013 at 8:09am

The hockey meeting went well.  In December we are going to sponsor a hockey tournament in Michael's name.  We are going to make it an annual event. I was so excited when I left.  I think Michael is loving it. 

I won't have Michael to spend Christmas with but instead I will be spending it with a rink full of kids and Michael's spirit all over the place. 

I thought by doing this I could redirect my energy into something positive for Michael.  I feel good about it, but I still cried my way home. 

While this is positive I already know emotionally this is going to be a challenge.

I have Michael's picture all over the house, but I always did.  First thing I see when I wake up is a picture of Michael and my daughter Zenia. Not only do I look at the pictures but I talk to them.  Some days I'm the "crazy lady" staring at his picture waiting for him to answer. Do I torture myself by doing this?  Maybe, but I need to.

Jane I hear ya.  I don't want to be stuck here forever.  I now have permanent bags under my eyes from crying, yet everyday I still cry.  BUT......I have a daughter depending on me.  I can't leave her or ignore her.  She has been doing everything and anything she can to support me and to try and make this easier on me.  She doesn't know she can't make it easier but it is so sweet that she tries.  She's not giving up on me so I can't bail on her. 

 

 

 

Comment by Grace on November 10, 2013 at 7:29am

yesterday, I saw a photo posted on FB of my son... one that my daughter had posted a long time ago... and her friend seemed to have tagged it... I don't know why it was there yesterday.... hit me though..... then it seemed to disappear among the rest of the posts.....strange.

Again... too look at it...his soft young skin, those eye,, cuddled in a blanket....I miss him.

Comment by anne on November 9, 2013 at 11:09pm

I don't think I have healed all the way. I feel that through time, I learned how to deal with it better. I'm pretty sure that I as a mom will never heal all the way, but getting all the dark stuff out sure has helped me live in a brighter light. I hope you all get a brighter light even if just for a few moments.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on November 9, 2013 at 9:55pm

Ammy
I'm having a hard time looking at my sons pictures also. Much harder than before. The longer he's gone the harder it is. Why would people think time heals?

Comment by Ammy on November 9, 2013 at 6:57pm

Belated birthday blessings to Lynn & Judy.  Sorry these days are so hard.

Now the holidays come and I wish I could just sleep right through them.

Dolly, the pictures of Brandon you were talking about made me realize that I will hardly glance at my son's pictures anymore.  I probably walk past them at least a dozen times a day. It's harder now than it was before to look at him and wonder what he'd be looking like today.  I guess I intentionally avoid them.  At least for now. 

Jane, I'm tired too.  We need to keep that vision of better days inside us, especially when we're down in the valley.  Are you still seeing the therapist?

Praying we all experience some calmness and peace.

The first couple of years I use to read this graphic a lot and now I'm back to feeling this way again.  I can only hope that it is just this time of year.

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