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Comment by anne on November 20, 2013 at 6:16pm

Dear Dawn, I looked it up, and all God's creatures do go to heaven! About your friend. I have had those same feelings myself. When a young man from around here was in a accident because he was drunk driving. He lived and now has a 2mos old baby girl. I know exactly how you feel. Don't let it worry you. You have enough to deal with. I think a lot of us have had those same feelings a time or two. You have a good heart, and some people may not understand the difference between feeling ripped off, and wishing someone pain, but I do. I have said it a million times" Why me? Why not them? Why did they get to keep their child, and I didn't?" I am not ashamed to admit that I have said some pretty mean sounding words, but It's the pain of a mother whose child did die doing the talking. I don't talk to others that have not walked in my shoes about these feelings, and questions, because they are questions, and feelings that can't be understood unless you've been there. I felt bad for awhile, but now I know that these things are part of the journey. These kinds of feelings don't cross my heart or mind much anymore. Thank God! Having these feelings do not make a person bad or evil. They come from a very deep, deep,dark, and very sad place in a mothers heart, and soul after the death of her child. These are feelings that your faith, and time will heal.

I just don't deal with my family unless I have too. I'm not comfortable around them. I do talk to my mom on the phone once in a while, but that's about it. I have a sister I haven't seen in 15 years, or talked too. I have to laugh, when we went home after lil Del died she wouldn't even answer her door. I knew she was home cause I saw her in the window. I started yelling "if you don't answer the door I'm going to stand out here, and yell so all your neighbors can hear me!" Hahahaha! She lived in a very well to do area. Her husband finally let me in, and we had a brief talk. I guess I was a little nuts! Anyway I haven't seen or have spoken to her since. It wasn't funny then, but I do giggle when I think about it now.  I guess they are who they are, and I'm too tired to push anymore.

Comment by Vasanthi S on November 20, 2013 at 5:25pm

Dawn,

Its all-right to feel resentful of the friend who has the child while you don't.. you do recognize some conflict there and you do feel that what you are feeling is somehow not ok.. that is enough.. you are aware even in the midst of your pain, so that is ok.. you are not acting on that resentment.. ask God's help wholeheartedly to remove whatever negativeness you perceive.. negative is just something that makes you feel bad, sad, resentful etc... it will vanish and in its place you will find that you wish all people only joy , joy that will not cause you any mis-ease..xoxoxoxo

Comment by Michelle H on November 20, 2013 at 4:59pm

Dawn, I'm sorry your parents aren't able to come for Thanksgiving. Do they live far away? Did they say why they're not coming? It really sounds like you want their support. I'm sorry they're not able to give it to you. I'll pray that they have a change of heart if it's meant to be.

Comment by Vasanthi S on November 20, 2013 at 12:49pm

Anne & Adrianne, I feel so bad for you..it must be so difficult to face further 'losses'... We have  cat called 'Tiger' here a really majestic chap and animals r really like little babies, so I feel for you both. Dolly, Brandon is always within reach.. believe that.. you will never lose him nor he you. I know how futile words sound but the heart knows better...listen to it in the silence of your heart and you will find yourself cocking your head to hear more.. hope i make some sense.

Comment by Teresa D. on November 20, 2013 at 5:58am

Dolly Brandon did not leave you, he would never leave you. Listen to your heart and you'll hear him.  

Comment by Teresa D. on November 20, 2013 at 5:55am

Anne & Adrianne, I'm so sorry.  I have two dogs that give me so much comfort and love.  HUGS!  For some of us our pets are our children too.

 

 

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on November 20, 2013 at 1:12am

Anne I'm sorry. I know when my little Auggie died Friday I felt as if I had taken a huge backwards step with recovery. But then I realized it's impossible for a parent to recover from the death of a child. The wound just got a whole lot deeper. And now the holidays.

Comment by Michelle H on November 19, 2013 at 9:03pm

Oh, Anne, I'm so very sorry that you had to put your sweet pet to sleep today. I know the loss is devastating. I can't imagine what it was like for you to see your beloved animal in a body bag just like you saw your beautiful son. you have been through so much, more than most people have experienced in a lifetime. You have my deep admiration for the ability that you have to maintain your strength and your sanity! I pray that there will be no more losses for you. It also made me think of Adrianne who lost her beloved dog recently.I'm so sorry for you both. Sending extra prayers and hugs.

Comment by anne on November 19, 2013 at 8:52pm

I had to put our loving, smiling, loyal friend, and gatekeeper Zero to sleep today. I held him in my arms along with my husband, and the vet gave him the injection. I wondered why it hurt so bad seeing as I have already lost 2 of my children? It did hurt. It hurt like hell. Even though there was pain today, I did validate my knowing that burying my children was, and will always be the worst pain I have or ever will feel. There's no getting around the pain. It's going to come and go no matter what. It's so sad when the pet you love, and care for has to die. My heart has another piece broken off. After I grieve, I will pick up the piece, and glue it back into place. Zero was the last animal left that was around when Ben was alive, so it feels like an ending of sorts. Another chapter has ended. When Zero took his last breath, I felt my heart hit the floor. I did ask God to be with me today, and I also asked for a little extra strength. He did both for me. When they put Zero in the body bag I thought my knees would give out. It brought back the memories of the day I held my own son in a bag just like it. I wanted to run out of the vets office. Instead I stood there just staring. When they put Zeros  body on the stretcher, it took a few moments to come back to reality, but I did. I have now cried as hard as I possibly can, and then I prayed once more. I needed to share this here. Peace to all, and Rest in Peace my beautiful Zero!

Comment by Vasanthi S on November 19, 2013 at 12:20pm

Yes Teresa, it must have felt so soothing to get a message at the exact correct time that you need it..that's another thing I think about ..how the timing is kind of perfect when a 'contact; is felt..its sorely needed,,,I feel more needy now and more scared than I ever felt b4..kind of clingy and weak..ughhhh.. wonder why..

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