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Comment by Dolly on December 4, 2013 at 7:49am

This holiday season is so bizarre... trying to feel 'thankful'... knowing I have so many many reasons to be thankful and yet feeling so empty and often so angry at what we're having to face... the word 'WHY' is forever ringing in my ears.. which are ringing louder all the time... sometimes I feel like I'm being goaded, or tortured, or just being driven crazy... I try to tell myself how much better off I am than so many other people in the world... well I KNOW that's true, but somehow it doesn't really FEEL like it is.... its my FEELINGS that are so screwed up ... all the time... and they're SO hard to deal with.. to keep in check at times.. and to let out at times.... nothing works... everything is broken.... but I get scared that if I don't appreciate what I DO have then it will be taken away too... like I'll get clobbered again because I'm not grateful enough... man I hate this...

Comment by Teresa D. on December 4, 2013 at 6:15am

I have Michael's picture everywhere but always did.  I don't live with his dad so I don't have anyone else to consider.  Sometimes I stare at them so hard it's like I expect him to start talking to me.  Other times I sit and stare at them and think about the moment in time when they were taken.  I can't put them away. 

Vasanthi, I have those moments too.  When I feel alone I think of everyone. 

Anne, your right, what works for one might not work for another.  Me I like to see and hear what others are doing to see if it is something that can work for me.  I go to the websites people suggest, I look up books suggested and etc...  Everything might not be for me but I explore it to find that out.  Sometimes it's even the small things offered that I can apply for myself.

I just want to get to a better place then where I am now, because this is ugly.  I don't want to hurt like this.  Dolly is right this is like carrying a ton of cement on your back. 

I am not here to judge what anyone does.  I want support and I want to give support.  My family and friends have been great but it still feels good to be able to turn to those who know first hand how I feel. 

Anne even though you have your bad days I still find you to be encouraging.  For those further down the road you help me because you let me know what to expect.  For those who are new I'm sorry to say but you remind me where I was but I'm also able to see I am progressing. It might be slooooooooow but I am progressing.

My fiancé is hurting.  They were like brothers.  All I could do yesterday was hug him and cry with him and tell him "I'm sorry".  His family came to our house yesterday.  It was difficult for me to see them and to see their grief.  Today will be another difficult day in my house.

Comment by Vasanthi S on December 3, 2013 at 6:18pm

2day evening I was with a friend and she was driving, asking relentless questions and I felt so weary... then I thought.. Teresa, anne, Connie, Dolly, Michelle, Jane,Dawn and all the others here feel just the same so stay calm.. it helped me enormously to know I am not alone.. thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Comment by anne on December 3, 2013 at 5:59pm

Me too Teresa I agree. Photos for me are the biggest tear producer ever. I have a photo of each of my children on the wall in the hallway, and that's it. One Christmas a long time ago we went home for the holiday, and my husbands family had out all of the videos from holiday's past. I lost it. I couldn't bear to sit and watch them. I still can't. I hope someday I will be able to watch videos, and look at pictures of them, but it just hasn't happened yet for me.  It probably sounds strange, but I used to look forward to the days of numbness. It gave my heart, and mind rest from the grieving.

Teresa, I just share my things to hopefully help others with ideas to help themselves. You do whatever works for you. There's just no right or wrong way to grieve. I only want to share ideas. It's amazing the things one can come up with to help with the grief by taking notes from someone else, and switching it around to suit yourself. I'm sad for you, and your Fiance's loss of a friend. I'm glad your fiancé, has you to cry with, and you him. Peace, and Love to all!

Comment by Teresa D. on December 3, 2013 at 5:01pm

If there was an agree button I'd hit it down the page.

Comment by Lynn Williams on December 3, 2013 at 1:45pm

Teresa so sorry for your fiance's loss.  Today I went in to my friends classroom to help her kids with a writing piece. It was good to do it and I will go in for two hours every day this week. It made me see that I could not work full time now. I was looking for pictures of Kyra on the computer just now because we are making a candle for our children in my mother's bereavement group tonight.
I just found a series of pictures she took of herself at our house for her Christmas card last year and now I can't stop crying. Thank god we our going to my step-sons and his family this year in
New Mexico. I couldn't take being home without her this first year. I can survive until I see a picture of her not already placed in our home from before her death. Will I ever be able to look at them and not feel intense pain. I guess its way to soon.

Comment by Connie K on December 3, 2013 at 10:50am

Teresa D I am SO sorry about your fiance's friend. Please let him know we are all sending him prayers also.

I know what you all mean about sometimes shutting down. Sometimes a strange survival numbness sets in for days. Our hearts and minds can only deal with the pain for so long. Sending you all hugs and love and light for these difficult holidays.

Comment by Vasanthi S on December 3, 2013 at 7:39am

Dolly, when I read your post I echoed ur feelings.. often i find myself shutting the topic off and feeling cold inside..frozen..

Comment by Teresa D. on December 3, 2013 at 5:49am

Anne, your right I have a hard time saying it.  I'm still having moments of denial. Just not ready to say it so easily to everyone.

Last night my fiancé received a call telling him his best friend was hit by a car and didn't make it.  All I can do is cry with him.

Comment by Karen R. on December 2, 2013 at 11:05pm

Hello to all.

Dolly, I know exactly what you are going through. It's similar to why I don't like counting or acknowledging the length of time that my son has been gone, it confirms it for me and I don't want it confirmed, I don't want it to be a reality.

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