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Comment by Jane P on December 12, 2013 at 12:34pm

Dolly

You're going to be okay....

xxoo

Comment by Vasanthi S on December 12, 2013 at 11:52am

Jane yes.. Dolly I can well understand our confusion.. Teresa, yes there are many many small acts of mercy which saves us from total breakdown..Lynn I thought that hose stones hitting the car seem to be some kind of premonitory act but how the hell would we know ? I read every post and am so thankful for you all being here, I would feel utterly lost if it wasn't for all here..it is a support and a loving one regardless of why we are here but I am sure the group isn't a kind of random one.. it is there for our healing so again more than a million thanks.

Comment by Jane P on December 12, 2013 at 10:32am

I have cried every day for eight years.

The seven years of Danielle's illness and the last year since her death.

I have lived in an abyss for the past year.

When the pain became too much for me.

I surrendered myself to God.

It is what it is....................

There are no answers.

But there is the love we all have for our children.

That's where our strength comes from.

Comment by Dolly on December 12, 2013 at 8:25am

I can almost hear someone thinking... she only 'believes' when things are going well.... maybe there's truth in that... but when everything seems to be thrown at you and no matter what you do it keeps getting WORSE it's hard not to question... impossible not to.. for me anyway..

Comment by Teresa D. on December 12, 2013 at 5:41am

I only speak for myself, I am not offended by anyone who shares anything.  We all do and believe what we need to.

Comment by Lynn Williams on December 11, 2013 at 10:34pm

Teresa..The circumstances of Kyra's death show me of God's plan to help us. Both of our daughters were living in Montana when Kyra died. We had not seen them both since Christmas the year before. We flew to Missoula first and spent a week with Kyra. We spent the
Morning at the farmer's market with her. My husband and I were driving ahead to her sister's four hours away and she would follow in her own car after the market closed. We were celebrating Genna's birthday in Bozeman and Kyra never made it. A woman in front of her ran over a shredded tire and it bounced up and smashed Kyra!s windshield and she lost control of the car. When Genna called the highway dept. the three of us were together. We were spared getting that phone call in Vermont and having to take a plane to collect her body . We spent the last week of her life with her. Also two days before she died, her father and I were driving in a rented car. Three large stones from a gravel truck hit the car and put a major crack in the windshield. Was this a premonition of what was to come. I have to believe if it was meant to be we were all together not by coincidence

Comment by Teresa D. on December 11, 2013 at 9:48pm

I went to catholic school and attended mass every Sunday growing up.  But I don't consider myself a catholic now because I don't share all their views.  As a teenager I visited other churches and I was not afraid to talk about religion with others.

Today I don't consider myself anything but spiritual.  I pray everyday and I feel like I have a relationship with God. I think Erica is right we don't always know the reason, and I also agree with Anne God doesn't do bad things to us. 

Right now I hold onto my faith because it is all I have.  Even if what I believe doesn't exist or is wrong, it's not hurting me and it's giving me something to have faith and hope in.

I believe God gave me things before he took Michael.  I just didn't realize it until he was gone.  Michael was 29 so taking vacation with mom wasn't the hip thing to do in the past few years, but 3 months before his passing he went to London with me.  Michael has divorced parents but he spent every holiday the year prior with me.  The phone call him and I shared the day he passed and the words he said that day.  When he passed I was so angry when they wouldn't let me see him.  He passed on Friday and wasn't found until he didn't show up to work. I'm sure you realize his state.  Now I realize not only did they protect me but God protected me too.  He knew I would never be able to deal with seeing my son in any state but alive so he took him in away that didn't allow me too. 

I also believe he allowed me gifts after Michael's passing.  I had a 2 second dream, but I saw him and he had a smile. As I laid crying I swear I smelled him. And then at another weak moment I swear his name was written in the clouds.  To me this was God letting me know Michael is in heaven.

Don't get me wrong I still ask "Why" and I still try to bargain with God for Michael's return and there's days I just shake my head all day while repeating "No No No Not my Michael".  But I think God understands.

Hey if I'm wrong....so what!  if I'm right then one day I will see Michael again and understand it all.

Comment by anne on December 11, 2013 at 9:05pm

Dawn when I went through the same thing your going through I called it my screw you God phase! There really is an explanation for all of us. If I start writing you will all unfriend me because I can go on about this subject! What I would like to tell you anyway is that God doesn't do these things to us. Atleast I don't believe he does. However in the days before Jesus, I do believe God was  wrathful, and a angry God, and he did punish humans. Then the anger, and frustration of God subsided when He created Jesus, his son. God became more gentle, and loving. I believe Jesus took the real punishment for all of us. I also had trouble believing that maybe there was no heaven. Maybe is it all a big bunch of nonsense. I suffered for many years battling God, and taking all of my anger out on him. Then one day I realized, how could I be so angry at one who does not exist? I don't believe God is responsible for our great loss. I dont' believe that the deaths of our children is part of God's plan. Ok talking too much. Peace, and Love to all!

Comment by Grace on December 11, 2013 at 8:35pm

Dawn. I feel what you are saying...could not have written it any better... 4 1/2 years and I still feel the same way and my son had autism and a seizure is the beginning of his end... so it really does not matter the "HOW"  it is what it is... for all of us... They are dead... that is all that matters... gone... and I feel God has left us high and dry.  Lately I feel that I have been left by everyone, family, and GOD...I'm on my own...

Comment by Vasanthi S on December 11, 2013 at 7:32pm

Dawn-O .... my heart goes out to you..Stephen is such a wonderful boy and I can feel your hurt.. You didnt do anything wrong-- at any given time we do what we know.. and if we knew better we wd do better so just relax and dont allow ur mind to go to such places cos guilt is a terrible and unnecessary burden.. it really wont help at all.. know that you did the best u knew how and dont berate urself.. I have many many times felt deep regret for many many things and then it all just gets too much so I feel its easier to really trust that we did our best...more than religion i think its the personal deep experience of 'presence' which is everywhere... I read that through all these losses we finally open a window for the formless to enter our lives... God only makes everything possible.. we are too insignificant to claim ownership of good and also then bad things according to how we see good and bad.. so Dawn, I wish that you dont dwell on the accident-- I've been there and played and replayed it in my head so much and for days at a time that I could feel my skull cracking like his did-- forget it there is no point in all that.. just pain..All I want to share is that mentally surrender to a higher power,, we are more than our bodies and a cursory examination of the world will tell you that,, trust trust and trust.. xoxoxoxo

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