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Comment by linda hernandez on December 17, 2013 at 5:53pm

thank you all my friends for the thoughts it really helps,i would love to help another but i am disabled also i am in end stages of copd really thought i would go before my son,but he went first,i would often pray to god to help me,with what would happen to him if i was to go,it weighed heavy on my mind,wasn't going to leave him with family they didn't understand him,so i always ask my self was this god saying i will take him my child and care for him.maybe so i am at peace where hes at just hurts alot he was innocent a beautiful son i never seen his disability just his smile again thank you all for your comments it helped  

Comment by Michelle H on December 17, 2013 at 9:03am

Linda, I can only imagine the void that you feel. Much of your life was devoted to taking care of your son. It must feel, on some level, that your purpose in life has been snatched away from you. I'm so very sorry. Anything I could suggest to help you would seem trite and would miss the mark. I guess our best hope is to keep living so that the death of our children doesn't mean the death of our spirits.

Comment by linda hernandez on December 17, 2013 at 5:55am

i have found my self in a bad way and was wondering if someone could help me through other then a Dr saying here take this and it will get better,i miss my son its been two years he was 39 and mentally ill i took care of him all his life,seems now i don't have a life,i sit around cook then sleep or smoke even though i have copd and was told to stop smoking but there nothing to do,i used to cook ,clean,laundry,anything my son needed i was there for him,but its all gone i have two other independent adult children but they don't need me unless they need something, funny how a Dr will tell u to take a pill and all will be better when all you need is the emptiness filled and no way of filling it so was wondering just how people really get through there loss or if they ever do thank you for listening and letting me vent  

Comment by Michelle H on December 16, 2013 at 8:46pm

Ammy, yes, I remember that your son was also 41 when he died. Chris made it 3 months beyond that. I guess the "firsts" that I still have to experience are Christmas, New Year's, my first birthday without my son being around, and the first anniversary of his death. Those are the "biggest" ones. I don't think I'll do too well when the one year mark comes. Even the change to 2014 will seem odd because I'll have to say, "My son died last year." I so dread the passage of time because I know people will think I should be in a different place, one I know I'll never "get to."

Comment by Ammy on December 16, 2013 at 8:33pm

Michelle, I'm sorry too.  I know what a bad feeling it is to feel like no one notices you, but I try to understand, and some days it seems as if everyone is in their own little world.  And that's okay.

You said it was 42 years.  So Chris was 41, just as my son.  I hope you were able to have some good birthday memories even though it was his first birthday not here.

My son left us exactly one month after his 41st b'day and it's really the only b'day I can remember vividly.  So strange.

Sending a big B'day hug.

Comment by Michelle H on December 16, 2013 at 5:12pm

Lynn, I know what you mean. I have been beyond tired since Chris died. I used to be a night person, but most days now I go to bed around 8 or 8:30 p.m. and sleep (if I sleep) til about 12 hours later. I dream about Chris almost every night now. It's good to see him in my dreams at various ages of his life, but so many of my dreams are BIZARRE. Not good dreams for the most part.

This Christmas my hubby (not Chris' dad) and I are spending alone. Not exchanging gifts with one another. Will probably go see a movie. Then a few days after Christmas, my daughter and her family (including my 4 beautiful grandkids) will come here from Madison, WI to have "Christmas" at our house. I just don't care very much.

Comment by Teresa D. on December 16, 2013 at 4:44pm

Michelle I'm so sorry I was so caught up in my own misery I wasn't paying attention to anything.  I already had to face Michael's birthday.  It was not pretty but just like you I realized I made it through. 

Chris loves you!

Comment by Lynn Williams on December 16, 2013 at 4:31pm

I have never felt so exhausted in my life before.  If I stay home I never will get out of the chair and feel even more tired and unmotivated.  It is difficult to force myself to go out in the freezing cold and do something. I can not spend another winter in this gray cold climate.  I finally bought a light to sit next to which is supposed to help with lifting your mood in the dark of winter.  It seems to help a little, but I need to move it nearer to the wood stove. I hate wishing my life away but I can't seem to stop it.

 

Comment by Lynn Williams on December 16, 2013 at 4:20pm

You are so right about the loneliness.  I am sorry to have missed your comment about Chris's birthday. The first one you had to spend without him.  This first year of living everyday is hard enough, when you add the memories of past birthdays and holidays it seems insurmountable.  We are not staying home in Vermont this year, I couldn't do it.  I am hoping It will be better to share it with my step-son and his family in New Mexico.  We have no tree but I did manage to buy presents for everyone.  I guess the old traditions will have to change because I dread having holidays at home without Kyra here.

Comment by Michelle H on December 16, 2013 at 4:00pm

It's OK, guys. I just needed to express my loneliness on Chris' birthday. With all the holidays (all the "firsts"), his birthday, and in March, the first anniversary of his death, I'm feeling very sad and missing him terribly. I know no one here intentionally overlooks or hurts anyone else. Just extra sensitive, I guess...

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