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Comment by Ammy on December 24, 2013 at 12:59pm

Vasanthi, I KNOW how hard that first year mark is. Several of us do.  You made it.  Every day is hard, but certain days are harder, sometimes horrible.  We somehow manage to come out on the other side.

I send you thoughts of comfort and love.

Comment by Vasanthi S on December 24, 2013 at 6:36am

Michelle,

Thank you for everything. Craig was hurting as he perceived me shutting him out and alongside tearing everything to shreds.. When he came home the other day he said that he thought that if I feel better doing this then its ok and then he said 3 of the sweetest words.... u want to push me away and go? well.." I Won't Go".. it made me ache with sorrow and relief. We do have some unresolved issues where I will maintain a silence about it b/n us  ( Craig and me)because I need some very concrete steps taken b4 I can allow myself to trust completely.Some things I cannot compromise on and they are minuscule compared to whatever changes I make in my own life. Have I talked about it to him? yes and if I do end up having to live with it, I will but it will take away something which is at the core of me being myself.I'm sorry that I am talking in riddles but cos its so personal I can't talk openly about it.

Teresa. I do find a lot of everything futile but won't give up and die even if I sometimes feel that it will end all pain once and for all.. something about killing oneself feels horribly wrong so since there is a strong moral compass inside I cant go against that.

Dolly.. ur love and concern is the most sweetest ...yesterday was probably the worst day ever..I wanted peace and quiet inside to be dealing with Shreyas's not being there but I was filled with fear. doubt , conflict.. I kept sleeping most of the day.. I had no energy at all and kept flopping back on the couch. Craig did some sweet things like keeping juice near the couch for when I wake up and clearing kitchen stuff and making salad and all..I really felt touched but at the same time was hurting tremendously...I used to think that when we do pass other days the 'day of death' should also be dealt with like that but apparently one's heart doesn't allow it. We got 2 calls and i picked up but just got some sounds and silence.. then I called back but again some shrieking kind of machine sound was heard. I knew it was you as it was a WV number and Craig said looks like Dolly is calling.

I am equally concerned about all of us here knowing full well what it takes to be even functional. How are we ever going to accept something so abnormal? Maybe by realizing that our children are happy and that finally we all are spiritual beings having a human experience, that we are more than our bodies and what we are is grand and beautiful and not limited to just peeping from this body-machine and relating to what we identify with. 

We take online vedanta classes which will go on till 12th of January and since my exposure to it is from childhood it helps enormously..if I am a crack pot now I shudder to think of what I would be without it.

Love to everyone here, you are all such a strong support and given by God to aid each other on this journey..my beautiful, loving angels, I love you all and feel for you all.

Comment by Teresa D. on December 23, 2013 at 6:12pm

I know we all hurt to the core.  I'm hurt to the core.  I'm not and will never be the person everyone knew.  But it saddens my heart to see a few of you talk about your own death.  I fight everyday to find a way to deal with this.  Do I think I'm doing a great job of it?  NO I do not.  But I think of the people who have been supportive and I think of my daughter and what that would do to her.  Please if you are hitting bottom that hard please reach out and call me or someone else who can help you pass that hump.  267-968-4247 I'd rather cry with you than for you.

Comment by Michelle H on December 23, 2013 at 4:25pm

Vasanthi, I'm so sorry for the very rough time you're going through. I hope that you and Craig are able to patch things up quickly. The anniversary and the holidays are a double whammy for you; you need his compassion and understanding. Sounds like he's hurt and doesn't know how to give you what you need right now. I pray for a softening of his heart.

Comment by Dolly on December 23, 2013 at 3:56pm

Vasanthi..I tried to call today but I must have the wrong number... it rang once, then rang again with a different sound, then stopped wringing at all ... I tried a second time and it did pretty much the same thing... I guess its the wrong number or something...then someone called me back but when I answered it just kept clicking and nobody spoke... sigh.... oh well... hope you are holding on...

Comment by Vasanthi S on December 23, 2013 at 8:22am

Dolly thanks that means the world to me.

Comment by Jane P on December 23, 2013 at 8:06am

Our ice storm.

We have been grounded for the last 4 days.

Comment by Jane P on December 23, 2013 at 7:50am

I get out of bed.

I lay on the couch.

I cry.

I can actually feel the weight of my grief.

It's getting heavier.

I have no desire to live.

I want to be left alone.

I want this to be over.

Comment by Jane P on December 23, 2013 at 7:45am

We all seem to be "stuck".

We have lost our children.

What else are we supposed to be?

Comment by Vasanthi S on December 23, 2013 at 7:07am

Difficult day, difficult, difficult, difficult!!!I think this will end only when i die

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