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Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on December 25, 2013 at 1:27am

Got through Christmas eve only because I stayed in constant motion. Like I do every day. Going to kill myself doing this. Tired. Bad f'ing dream but I can't wake up from it.

Comment by Ammy on December 24, 2013 at 10:52pm

Merry, I admire your strength and your attitude.  You are always in my prayers as everyone here is.

I also put a card on the tree for our son.  I put money in it that would have been spent for his gifts and let his daughter open it.  She knows it's Daddy's card.  I will then put the money in the bank for her.

Lynn, I'm happy that you are with family and being away is probably helpful with it being such a short time.  Our first Christmas was at 5 months and I have no idea what happened that year.  I don't remember it at all and I can't find any pictures of it.  I'm sure the girls came here.  Maybe they took some pics, but I guess I didn't.  

That is one of the things I dislike the most about my grief.  It's like I have partial amnesia about certain times.  Has anyone else found this happening to them?

I know I have certainly regressed the last couple of months.  I guess I do every year around this time, but I really don't remember.  I do know that I was doing much better for awhile though.  I'm anxiously waiting to see if I can get back to that place again after the holidays.

I would like nothing more than to wish you all a Merry Christmas, but I know it's not the same, so I'll just wish you blessings for moments of peace.

Comment by Ammy on December 24, 2013 at 10:28pm

Dolly, I love what you did.  They are really wonderful.  You did a great job.  We do need to keep them close.  

Sometimes, for me, that is the only way I get through this.  I lean on him and he pushes me just the way he pushed himself through all his hard times.

Today was not as good as I hoped.  I was miserable for the first couple of hours after the family got here.  I didn't even sit down at the table when they were all eating, but then I reminded myself that he would be disappointed in me and I felt as though he was telling me that his daughter needed me to be happy.  It helped change my mood and I was okay for the rest of the time.  Just thankful it's over.

Hoping you all are doing okay.

Comment by Vasanthi S on December 24, 2013 at 5:32pm

Wowww Dolly super

Comment by Michelle H on December 24, 2013 at 4:35pm

Dolly, those are awesome!

Comment by Dolly on December 24, 2013 at 3:14pm

I made ornaments for some of those closest to Brandon... now I'm just wrung out, but I feel good about it at the same time... I want him near me in every little way possible.. and this was one little way I could do that... even though it overwhelmed me at the same time... we miss you SOOOO much sweetie pie Brandon....

Comment by Lynn Williams on December 24, 2013 at 2:22pm

I am glad to be with my family in New Mexico with Kyra's sister and brother. This is the first Christmas we are without her. I went outside so I could cry and not have others see me. It is silly but I need space alone to grieve and be alone with her memory. It seems like she has been gone for so long and it's only 4 months. When those waves come I just want to curl into a ball and not exist, not feel the loneliness of life without her. I needed a change of scenery it is so mild and sunny here,and it feels good to go for long walks. I love you my Kybee.

Comment by Ammy on December 24, 2013 at 1:04pm

My one thought today has been of how hurt and saddened my son would be to see me at times when I'm at my worst.  It gives me strength to smile when I want to cry.  Not always, but if I can remember to do it for him I feel as if he's with me and I like that feeling.  

One of his best friends and his wife came over last night to visit and to bring gifts for his daughter.  I dreaded the thought of them coming, but did enjoy their visit because it meant that they still think of him even if they don't always talk about him with me.  I think it's that scariness people have.  I was totally exhausted when they left 3+ hours later, but grateful too.

We need to be thankful for these small things even when they cause us pain, and today I am trying to think good thoughts of my son and what he would be doing to help for tonight's family get together.  I know that I will be both physically and mentally exhausted when everyone leaves, but I will keep my son next to me during this time and I will be able to smile.  This is my plan.  I'll let you know how it works out.

I am farther along than several of you as this is our 4th Christmas without him. 

I send you all thoughts of comfort and pray you will find some way to honor your child with a smile from some good memories.

Comment by Ammy on December 24, 2013 at 12:59pm

Vasanthi, I KNOW how hard that first year mark is. Several of us do.  You made it.  Every day is hard, but certain days are harder, sometimes horrible.  We somehow manage to come out on the other side.

I send you thoughts of comfort and love.

Comment by Vasanthi S on December 24, 2013 at 6:36am

Michelle,

Thank you for everything. Craig was hurting as he perceived me shutting him out and alongside tearing everything to shreds.. When he came home the other day he said that he thought that if I feel better doing this then its ok and then he said 3 of the sweetest words.... u want to push me away and go? well.." I Won't Go".. it made me ache with sorrow and relief. We do have some unresolved issues where I will maintain a silence about it b/n us  ( Craig and me)because I need some very concrete steps taken b4 I can allow myself to trust completely.Some things I cannot compromise on and they are minuscule compared to whatever changes I make in my own life. Have I talked about it to him? yes and if I do end up having to live with it, I will but it will take away something which is at the core of me being myself.I'm sorry that I am talking in riddles but cos its so personal I can't talk openly about it.

Teresa. I do find a lot of everything futile but won't give up and die even if I sometimes feel that it will end all pain once and for all.. something about killing oneself feels horribly wrong so since there is a strong moral compass inside I cant go against that.

Dolly.. ur love and concern is the most sweetest ...yesterday was probably the worst day ever..I wanted peace and quiet inside to be dealing with Shreyas's not being there but I was filled with fear. doubt , conflict.. I kept sleeping most of the day.. I had no energy at all and kept flopping back on the couch. Craig did some sweet things like keeping juice near the couch for when I wake up and clearing kitchen stuff and making salad and all..I really felt touched but at the same time was hurting tremendously...I used to think that when we do pass other days the 'day of death' should also be dealt with like that but apparently one's heart doesn't allow it. We got 2 calls and i picked up but just got some sounds and silence.. then I called back but again some shrieking kind of machine sound was heard. I knew it was you as it was a WV number and Craig said looks like Dolly is calling.

I am equally concerned about all of us here knowing full well what it takes to be even functional. How are we ever going to accept something so abnormal? Maybe by realizing that our children are happy and that finally we all are spiritual beings having a human experience, that we are more than our bodies and what we are is grand and beautiful and not limited to just peeping from this body-machine and relating to what we identify with. 

We take online vedanta classes which will go on till 12th of January and since my exposure to it is from childhood it helps enormously..if I am a crack pot now I shudder to think of what I would be without it.

Love to everyone here, you are all such a strong support and given by God to aid each other on this journey..my beautiful, loving angels, I love you all and feel for you all.

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