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Comment by Teresa D. on December 25, 2013 at 12:05pm

No decorations, no music, stayed out of the stores, no tree, & not going visiting.  The hockey tournament is tomorrow. Don't know how I'm going to handle it emotionally. The response was greater then what we expected and we had to turn teams away. I'm hoping this can be a small turning point for me.

Michael would laugh at me for writing "From: Santa Claus" yet friends of his contacted me to tell me he would buy their kids gifts and then tell them look what Santa left on the steps. Their kids also wanted to play in the tournament for Michael.  My heart is saddened but warmed at the same time.

I loved reading what some of you did for Christmas.  Next year I'm going to try and have Christmas for Michael.  I love the idea of adding the ornament every year and the card.

Dolly love the ornaments what a smile!

You know what? I'm sad but I'm okay. I'm okay. 

I hope all of you can have a moment of peace today. 

Again, thank you to all of you for being there.

Comment by Dolly on December 25, 2013 at 11:42am

We went out to see the lights last night and a few of the houses were awesome.. but I forgot my camera.. of course.. so I will try to get back out before everyone takes them down...

we were about the last customers at Wendy's, as they were closing at 7PM, AND were out of Bo's favorite chili cheese baked potatoes, but he was happy with the chilly cheese fries... so even tho almost nobody was about, we had our little Christmas eve time together as a family....

this morning Bo enjoyed the silly noise making toys and the vibrating stuff.. the neck wrap, the tootbrush and the electric razor... seems he enjoys the tactile stuff and the silly stuff most of all... he got some cool Red Sox hats... two winter, one baseball cap, a few decorations for his room including a stick-on the wall Spiderman and a Red Sox lover's Man Cave sign...

the big surprise we will show him after dinner and his shower... a new hot tub... he will LOVE it and it's so good for him in so many ways.. we debated about it because we really couldn't 'afford' it, but decided we don't even know how many Christmases any of us have left so we didn't want to wait... and my oldest son and his wife are paying for a big chunk of it as our Christmas gift, so its really a family gift we will all enjoy ....

not having Brandon here was impossibly hard... but he WAS here in so many ways... people who love him gave us pictures of him, and one gave us a candle for him... other neighbors gave us all sorts of nice things... food, a snuggly throw, lotion, an inspirational book, music CD, a cute Goofy toy for Bo, fruit, and just awesome cheesecake with fruit on top... so much...so I guess our family has grown to include the neighbors...sort of makes me think of the 'old days' when neighbors reached out to each other... small towns like this it seems there's still some of that going on...

one of the gifts I got was a picture for 'mother' and said the sweetest thing ... one of Brandon's caregivers gave it to me along with two other wonderful pictures... what a sweet thing to do... she said she strongly felt Brandon urging her to give me the picture which broke my heart, and had me bawling, but really touched me deeply and made me feel him close

the other caregiver also gave us really sweet thoughtful gifts, and their mother/mom-in-law and husband even gave us a sweet card and a pretty ornament... we didn't expect ANY of that... this worker also gave us a bunch of neat stuff like a flex light, and little flash lights.. these things come in SO handy in the power outages we've all come to know so well...

my sister sent a really delicious candle...I was touched that she remembered us.. my sisters and I haven't exchanged gifts for years... sad to say.... not sure when or why it ended...

so we have managed to get through it all today.. so far ... with lots of love hugging us in.... and lots of tears... but with lots of thankfulness for those who made it better... may God bless them all !!! every one!!!

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on December 25, 2013 at 1:27am

Got through Christmas eve only because I stayed in constant motion. Like I do every day. Going to kill myself doing this. Tired. Bad f'ing dream but I can't wake up from it.

Comment by Ammy on December 24, 2013 at 10:52pm

Merry, I admire your strength and your attitude.  You are always in my prayers as everyone here is.

I also put a card on the tree for our son.  I put money in it that would have been spent for his gifts and let his daughter open it.  She knows it's Daddy's card.  I will then put the money in the bank for her.

Lynn, I'm happy that you are with family and being away is probably helpful with it being such a short time.  Our first Christmas was at 5 months and I have no idea what happened that year.  I don't remember it at all and I can't find any pictures of it.  I'm sure the girls came here.  Maybe they took some pics, but I guess I didn't.  

That is one of the things I dislike the most about my grief.  It's like I have partial amnesia about certain times.  Has anyone else found this happening to them?

I know I have certainly regressed the last couple of months.  I guess I do every year around this time, but I really don't remember.  I do know that I was doing much better for awhile though.  I'm anxiously waiting to see if I can get back to that place again after the holidays.

I would like nothing more than to wish you all a Merry Christmas, but I know it's not the same, so I'll just wish you blessings for moments of peace.

Comment by Ammy on December 24, 2013 at 10:28pm

Dolly, I love what you did.  They are really wonderful.  You did a great job.  We do need to keep them close.  

Sometimes, for me, that is the only way I get through this.  I lean on him and he pushes me just the way he pushed himself through all his hard times.

Today was not as good as I hoped.  I was miserable for the first couple of hours after the family got here.  I didn't even sit down at the table when they were all eating, but then I reminded myself that he would be disappointed in me and I felt as though he was telling me that his daughter needed me to be happy.  It helped change my mood and I was okay for the rest of the time.  Just thankful it's over.

Hoping you all are doing okay.

Comment by Vasanthi S on December 24, 2013 at 5:32pm

Wowww Dolly super

Comment by Michelle H on December 24, 2013 at 4:35pm

Dolly, those are awesome!

Comment by Dolly on December 24, 2013 at 3:14pm

I made ornaments for some of those closest to Brandon... now I'm just wrung out, but I feel good about it at the same time... I want him near me in every little way possible.. and this was one little way I could do that... even though it overwhelmed me at the same time... we miss you SOOOO much sweetie pie Brandon....

Comment by Lynn Williams on December 24, 2013 at 2:22pm

I am glad to be with my family in New Mexico with Kyra's sister and brother. This is the first Christmas we are without her. I went outside so I could cry and not have others see me. It is silly but I need space alone to grieve and be alone with her memory. It seems like she has been gone for so long and it's only 4 months. When those waves come I just want to curl into a ball and not exist, not feel the loneliness of life without her. I needed a change of scenery it is so mild and sunny here,and it feels good to go for long walks. I love you my Kybee.

Comment by Ammy on December 24, 2013 at 1:04pm

My one thought today has been of how hurt and saddened my son would be to see me at times when I'm at my worst.  It gives me strength to smile when I want to cry.  Not always, but if I can remember to do it for him I feel as if he's with me and I like that feeling.  

One of his best friends and his wife came over last night to visit and to bring gifts for his daughter.  I dreaded the thought of them coming, but did enjoy their visit because it meant that they still think of him even if they don't always talk about him with me.  I think it's that scariness people have.  I was totally exhausted when they left 3+ hours later, but grateful too.

We need to be thankful for these small things even when they cause us pain, and today I am trying to think good thoughts of my son and what he would be doing to help for tonight's family get together.  I know that I will be both physically and mentally exhausted when everyone leaves, but I will keep my son next to me during this time and I will be able to smile.  This is my plan.  I'll let you know how it works out.

I am farther along than several of you as this is our 4th Christmas without him. 

I send you all thoughts of comfort and pray you will find some way to honor your child with a smile from some good memories.

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