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Comment by Teresa D. on December 31, 2013 at 9:17am

I hope the New Year can bring us some sort of peace.  I will be thinking of each and everyone one of you today. 

Comment by Ammy on December 30, 2013 at 5:25pm

Every time I hear or read the statement, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, ” I want to say that from my perspective, this could not be further from the truth. The truth is that if we can keep it from breaking us down completely, we are not left stronger; we are left changed; different.

I know this grief won’t end.  It will only change and lessen.  We
will not get over it, but we will learn to live beside it.  

We will hold our memories in our hearts and rely on the promise that the thoughts that now make us mourn will one day be overshadowed by the memories that make us smile. ~At least it's a nice thought.~

Thinking of you all.  Hang on.

Comment by Teresa D. on December 30, 2013 at 8:33am

I can't wait for the holidays to be over.  Every year no matter where Michael was my phone rang at the stroke of midnight. Last year at the stroke of midnight I stared at my phone waiting for it to ring then I broke down obviously because my phone didn't ring and I know it's not going to ring this year either. Even the small things hurt. 

Comment by Teresa D. on December 29, 2013 at 11:48am

Jane you are not alone, you can isolate yourself all you want but your never alone.  We are all with you all the time.  Life has changed for us all.  Nothing is the same and were not the same, that is one of our realities.  And your right it feels like the world is moving on while we are stuck in the same place and time is not moving for us.

As Dolly has said in the past it is like carrying around a ton of concrete on your back. 

I'm very lucky my family is so big and supportive, they are not allowing me to isolate myself.  I didn't participate in Christmas until the day after at the tournament.  After I came home and read everyone's posts I started to think am I torturing myself more by stepping out of things?  I still don't know the answer but next year I'm going to try another approach and if it doesn't work then the following year I'll try something else.

I just can't stay where I am.  I have to find a new way for me, for my daughter and for Michael.  I need to figure out how to live again.  I don't want to be stuck in this misery.

You also right Jane NO ONE but those who wear our shoes have a clue to what we are experiencing.  We may even lose friends along the road, but that's ok because right now my goal is for me to be ok not them.  I'm slowly learning to be selfish. 

So your right Jane we are ALL different now!  Look I don't have any answers but what I do have is the determination to live through this. 

Please Jane do not take todays strength and think I don't hit bottom on some days too because I do.  Funny how dates control our moods.  But even on those days I tell myself it's ok you'll try again tomorrow.  It has been almost 16 months for me and I'm still crying everyday, but I tell myself it's ok. Maybe we need to cry a river or in my case an ocean of tears.

Jane never feel alone because we get it and we are all here for you! 

Comment by Jane P on December 29, 2013 at 9:09am

Hi Dolly

It was an expression.

Just watching all others in this life carry on, except for me.

Comment by Jane P on December 29, 2013 at 7:11am

As I've said before, I have chosen solitude for myself.

It's what is best for me.

We are suffering the ultimate pain in life.

Think about what is best for you.

Comment by Jane P on December 29, 2013 at 7:04am

Our life as we once knew it has been pulled from us.

Everything we once knew is now gone.

We are different now.

As is our new life.................

Comment by Jane P on December 29, 2013 at 7:01am

I am also watching "life goes on".

I am starting to feel like I'm the only one (outside of this group) who still feels the pain as if it were Day One.

As time moves on, so do people.

Only a mother or father continues to live with this pain.

Comment by Jane P on December 29, 2013 at 6:56am

If people understood us, they would have to be us.

We have the experience, they do not.

You have to loose a child first.

And none of us would ever want that.

Comment by Jane P on December 29, 2013 at 6:45am

It's ok, Dolly.

And you don't ever have to pretend.

I'm not ok either.

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