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Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 8, 2014 at 2:43am

Michelle
You aren't alone. I think we are all faking it. Be kinder to yourself. Yes, we understand your pain. It is not one day at a time it's one breath at a time.

Comment by Michelle W on January 8, 2014 at 1:10am

To all...I feel your pain continuously and always think about you all I try to fake my way through all the time infact I feel sometimes I loose myself in the lie.. So my next thought is please tell how you do this daily.... I was the super mom, the wife and the fun person to be around,,, now people don't understand so I fake it the best I can... But at Christmas when my daughter,
the boyfriend and myself eat dinner at a restaurant she mentioned that I should have a dinner cocktail... She thought my might loose the bitch face that I now have ... You know there permanently unhappy face you just can't fake... So my question to all because I know you all understand my pain and how it's like a dark shadow that never leaves....has anyone had success with a coucelor or therapist.. I don't want to take drugs but I fell maybe if someone had insight on a better way to do this... I need that help.. I don't have that support team most people have my son ironically was my support team always and we'll you he's gone...and people are not beating down my door to listen or help... Don't you know... I have bitch face... My husband seem to be a lot better and me not so much... Please any insight I would love the advise ...I have just lost my soft side and I guess I want my son to look down at me and say .. Yeah that's my mom saving the world still..instead of there is my mom hating the world..hugs to all(even from a stranger a hug just make things better for a minute)

Comment by Connie K on January 7, 2014 at 8:03pm

Lynn

 I am glad for your dream. I have had a couple and I know that feeling of not wanting to wake up and wishing you could go back to sleep and continue the visit.  I think she is letting you know that she IS safe and will be waiting for you always. Hope the weather warms up soon!

Comment by Lynn Williams on January 7, 2014 at 2:36pm

You are so right Dolly about wanting spring to come. It is frigid cold outside. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner, not wanting to go outside. Today I forced myself to go to the gym so I could tire myself out and sleep tonight. I need to take Ambien if I hope to sleep. Last night I had my first dream about Kyra. She was leaning out a second story window and I was reaching up to touch her but couldn't reach her. I told her I loved her and missed her and she gave me a big smile. I woke with a start,it seemed so real. I wanted to go back to the dream but couldn't so I felt so lonely for her and cried. I am hoping she is safe and will wait for me. Some days I can get absorbed in other thoughts besides the loss of Ky but then I feel so guilty. I just want to sit by the wood stove and escape.

Comment by Connie K on January 7, 2014 at 1:08pm

Merry - Yay for sleep! Halleluyah for you. It is so hard to deal with everything when you can't sleep. I don't take an antidepressant or antianxiety (have in the past) unless I need to but don't take away my Lunesta!! It helps me sleep very naturally and wake up with no side effects. If I don't sleep, I don't function! Vasanthi, my heart is with you. I think we all understand exactly how you feel. (((  )))

Comment by Connie K on January 7, 2014 at 11:38am

I am sorry you are feeling so low Jane. When I feel like that sometimes I try to remember those beautiful things in life I wanted to show and teach my son and how wonderful it was. Maybe try to think of something good or beautiful good in this life and stay, even so briefly, in that moment. Just the fact that you try to do something for others shows that your heart is still open to love. That is the right track. Service to others may be the ONLY thing that can help take away the despair sometimes. I am sending healing prayers to you.

Dolly these pics are beautiful. The colors and the snow - really illustrates the perpetual nature of life and spirit. God does not hate you. God does not hate. It I know that sometimes it can feel that way or like I am being punished. You have to try to remember the joy Brandon brought you in this life and try to spread that joy when you get the chance. Even in the littlest way. Sorry it is so darn cold. Wish you could all visit me in sunny Southern CA this week. It's embarrassing how perfect the weather is right now. Oh well I paid my dues in Chicago for years! Love and peace to everyone here.

Comment by Vasanthi S on January 7, 2014 at 11:33am

Dolly, just saw the 'depressed with depression' hahaha..really funny..feel so alienated from everything..life when my son was there was good and normal, some lows in between with work frustration or just the mundane things which get done everyday but I was a happy person, passionate about my work and my life...now its just the reverse.. I can never reach out and get those funny pearls of wisdom from Shreyas, he will never ever look at me with concern when I am low and reach out lovingly expressing his care for me; now I know that it is just me, my problems are my own, for me to sort out and deal with. No one else understands and many times I feel others who suffer losses can only think about it, give reality to their losses and minimize the loss of a child ... unfortunately only those who have lost a child know what a crippling blow this is..immense in its magnitude and horrifying in its implications..I have a splitting headache, my 51st birthday is 6 days away and my son wont be there to kid me about how OLD I am...or insist that I must enjoy the day with close friends..My last birthday when I was 47 we both were in my Mumbai home as he was with the Mumbai branch office for a while. He died 21 days before my 48th birthday...I can see the years endlessly stretching out with me trying my best to live and messing it all up because he was not the love of my life but was my life itself..maybe that's why I don't breathe right any more..its always constricted... Thanks to all here who understand...I am hopelessly crippled emotionally, I couldn't care if the whole world dies , and will be thrilled to go first.

Comment by Jane P on January 7, 2014 at 7:48am

I have no desire to live.

My feelings are gone.

I am waiting to go.

I try my best each day to do something kind for others.

But my heart is just not into living again.

Comment by Teresa D. on January 7, 2014 at 7:40am

I never had depression issues.  But I'm pretty sure I'm depressed now.  My energy is low, I feel tired and drained a lot. I have days I can't stop crying, days I just shut down. My drive and passion is gone or at least feels like it is gone.  I use to be so sure of myself and now I don't know what to do.

Comment by anne on January 6, 2014 at 7:47pm

When your child dies, depression and grief go hand in hand. Yes Dolly we do do both. It's normal, but there is a difference between the two. It just takes awhile to figure out which is which. The two go together the most in the first few years of grief. After that you begin to learn the difference. It's hard to have to fight everyday just to be a little productive. No it's not fair for any of us, but it is our reality. I had to make a decision to either  allow myself the time and patience to learn from what's happened to me, and get to know my soul, and spirit, or let the grief take me down. Which I might add going down serves no purpose for anyone. The horrendous pain from the death of my child is a pain that I have not been able to compare with anything else. I know I will never understand it until I too meet my maker. Which I am counting on one day. But for me I will survive for now.

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