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Comment by Vasanthi S on January 13, 2014 at 10:05am

Dolly,

Heartfelt thanks...am having a very difficult day with missing my son... how i wish i could go back to everything ...my son not being here is very difficult to handle.. there are friends wishing me on watsapp and viber and fb and am going through the motions of saying how nice and thank you..I find it difficult to smilejust wondering if this is the new me.. sullen, confused, angry, resentful, longing for the past, unable to ever be present and hating any new roadblocks in the present...it makes no sense as to why i should have birthdays when my son was robbed of all his days.

Comment by anne on January 12, 2014 at 4:55pm

The best thing you can do for yourself is to let it all hang out. Most of you are all so new at this journey, and as for new I mean new. It takes a few years to really start to begin the easier part of grief. No you will never forget anything about your child. I still remember the silly smile on my Lil Dels face. I still remember the smell of skunk when he was attacked by one. I still smell Bens cologne on occasion. I still hear him tell me to enjoy the dance. That part of your children does not go away. It feels that way to begin with, but a lot of that is the pain, and the misery of not having them with you. You see the sadness, pain, and deep sorrow over shadows the good things. I think the bad part comes first so when the good comes back we are ready for it. The first few years (and how many years that is, is different for everyone) are hell, and that's the truth. Confusion, anger, pain, sorrow, and despair all take their toll. They do however subside. Not right now, and not when you want it too, but when your heart, and soul are ready too, it will happen. I have felt every single way that all of you have felt. I had all kinds of outside interference the first time I had to travel this road. I never thought I would ever be able to function again or get back to the order of living. I hated it. I hated every second of every minute of this road. Then I learned to take control of the things I was capable of taking control of. One at a time. I'm sorry you all have to also go through all of this misery. I wish there was more I could do. I can only give you what I've had to learn on my own the hard way. I don't know, maybe if I could've gone through the grief in my own way to begin with I might not of had to suffer as much. I just don't know. But since once again it was all out of my control. I learned everything I possibly could so that if life ever smacked me upside the head again I would be able to atleast travel the road in my own way. Knowing doesn't make it any easier, but somehow, someway I was able to take the things I learned the first time, and apply those same skills, and knowledge to every crappy thing that happens in my life. For me my faith has played a big role in my survival. Not the first time because I was too angry, confused, and interrupted by others so I walked away from my faith for a very long time. God waited for me to be ready to accept his love, and comfort once again. Most people have some kind of faith. Rely on that faith whatever it may be. You will yell, scream, cry, hurt, all of those horrible feelings. I don't think one can go through the death of their child without it. So I say get it out of your system in a safe way however long it takes. Life can be beautiful again through a new set of eyes. You are all doing well by writing, and letting those feelings out through every word you write. That's a big step. May the sun shine on your hearts especially on your darkest days. Love to all

Comment by Teresa D. on January 12, 2014 at 12:02pm

Bad days, Good Days, I say share them all.

I felt like I slipped back for a few weeks.  I stopped crying as hard as I was but now I'm having days of feeling exhausted and quite. 

Michael hated facebook and social sites. I set up a facebook for him for the tournament.  The whole time I felt guilty knowing he hated facebook and told him I'm sorry but I need to do it. Everyday I check Michael's facebook and everyday there's another friend request.  He now has more friends than me.  Touches my heart how many loved him.  He seems to have touched a lot of people.  Found out different groups of friends held their own memorials for him.  I give anything to have my Michael.  Doesn't God know I need him?

Comment by Vasanthi S on January 12, 2014 at 8:25am

Don't worry Jane P.. all we can do is echo your thoughts

Comment by Jane P on January 12, 2014 at 8:08am

I don't like posting such negative thoughts.

Maybe saying how bad I feel will help me, but I worry that it will affect all of you.

I wish there was a "rehab" for grief.

Comment by Jane P on January 12, 2014 at 8:04am

It has been 13 months, 10 days since Danielle left.

Nothing has gotten "better" for me.

And I have tried.

But, I am still living in an abyss.

And I still have no desire to live.

And I still have no feelings.

I am numb.

Comment by Lynn Williams on January 11, 2014 at 8:42pm

Very well said Anne,thank you

Comment by anne on January 11, 2014 at 8:26pm

Thank you Teresa! that's exactly what I meant. From what I've learned during my journey, taking one day at a time was a hard lesson  to learn. I wanted it all done right now! I would plan things, and lo and behold I just couldn't bring myself to do them. Then the person or persons I was going to do something for was disappointed, and even worse I was disappointed in myself. So I started to take things a lot slower. I began living one day at a time. Some days I couldn't do more than a breathe at a time, but that's grief. I have learned that death is the only thing that happens all at once. What comes after takes a lot of time, patience, and self preservation.

It's almost like having a really bad heart attack. Your not sure if you can get through it, and you don't know what the future brings. It's very painful, and you wonder if you can even handle it. Then after awhile the pain lessens, and you begin slowly to fight back. You begin to feel more confident with each day that you wake up, and face another day good or bad. Then one day you will notice that you are doing more, and you are beginning to fulfill some of the plans that you make. That's how I feel it works. I don't know why we have to deal with all of the bad things in this life, but I do know in my heart that as long as I am willing to carry on then I will have the good days to fall back on when the bad days creep up on me. Love to all!

Comment by Connie K on January 11, 2014 at 12:25pm

Yes - I am afraid of forgetting anything also. I know what you all mean when you say that if you aren't feeling the grief and think of something else you feel guilty. I do too. It seems to be our last connection. But I know that the love is there too and will always be.

Comment by Vasanthi S on January 11, 2014 at 8:18am

Michelle,

yes all true.. the experiences are subjective so is the reaction. I was not annoyed with my friend but just felt that she didn't get what I feel which I am ok with as its all ok since loss is so personal...I can understand how deeply you must be feeling and wishing that you could have at least seen him.. I pray that you get all the strength and feel your son's love for you which by the way for all here I feel the deep connection we have had with all loved ones whom we 'lost'.

Dolly, you are the most wonderful soul and express yourself so beautifully and truthfully. I think we do feel that pain is a way of connecting and I think we exclude other feelings because right now pain is all we can feel. But I also know that in quiet times, when the mind and heart are still and receptive there enters a feeling of love so sweet and healing and it is again the connection with love shared. I would like myself to be more receptive and open to all such states as they take us beyond the pain.. don't know if i'm making sense.. but hugs and lots of love and kisses to all my dearest friends here .

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