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Comment by Connie K on January 15, 2014 at 10:52am

Lynn, that is beautiful. Echos so much of what I feel. I love how you expressed what Kyra has taught you. After struggling to have a child, Daniel felt like my miracle also. My miscarriages all happened after I had him. But before I had him,  I had an ectopic pregnancy which required surgery of course - but they screwed up and I lost one tube so my chances of having a pregnancy were cut drastically. I keep ovulating on the "bad" side. Did you know that you have a dominate ovary as well as other parts of your body? I didn't until then! Anyway, after several years of trying and several inseminations we had our miracle. I was 40 by the time we were trying for another child. I had what they call "secondary infertility". I just decided not to do in vitro and  take life as it came. I considered adoption but was then hit with breast cancer which I am proud to say I am almost a 10 year survivor.  I've learned many lessons from my son like you Lynn. But despair at why all my children had to die. We still have lessons to learn I guess that's why we're still here. I think we are need to share those gifts they left us.

Comment by Lynn Williams on January 15, 2014 at 10:00am

Connie I also had two miscarriages, each one was before the live births of my two daughters. The first miscarriage was in the second trimester and I fell into a major depression and spent two weeks in the hospital. I was 36 no children and realized I couldn't go through it again. Kyra was my miracle, I had no intention of getting pregnant again, but it happened.  When I held her in my arms for the first time, I realized what a gift I was given.  Her life brought me back, all my dreams for the future lay ahead.  My husband had two boys from a previous marriage who were 15 and 18,  but he agreed to have another child after Kyra so she would have a sibling.  After another miscarriage, Genna was born when I was at 40, I never felt such joy.

I still can't believe that Kyra, my miracle could have been taken from me at 26.  What lesson are we bereaved parents supposed to learn. Sometimes I feel so cheated, and I start too feel so sorry for myself.

Kyra's death like her birth has awakened something very spiritual in me.  Along with deep sadness, it has brought me intense feelings that I will see her again. I have to learn to love myself, as I do my children.  Kyra taught me so much about how to be a kinder and more altruistic person.  She showed me how to live life with little material wealth. How to embrace all people instead of being critical and feeling superior.  Everyday I will be a better human because of her gift.  Sorry for babbling on but it released my tears and gave me hope for the future. The sun is finally shining today and I will go out into it.

Love and hugs to all of us.

Lynn

  

 

Comment by Connie K on January 15, 2014 at 9:56am

All so true. Exhausting is the word. Like being in the middle of the ocean dog paddling. Sending love and hope to everybody today.

Comment by Teresa D. on January 15, 2014 at 6:19am

I can't help myself I grieve the future Michael isn't having.  I think it is hard for me because our last conversation was all about what he wanted in the future.  He talked about being ready for a family and what he wanted to do professionally and etc.  Now it's all gone. 

I was always a proud mom and I always talked about my kids, they are the other half of me.  Last night I did a presentation and talked about him as if he was a live.  I think I did it for two reasons.  It is hard for me to talk about Michael in the past tense and I didn't want faces in the room to turn sad.

I've always been close to my kids and now I feel bad for my daughter.  She is trying so hard to help me and her dad with the grief and she thinks she can fill that void.  I think she is carrying this on her back as if it is her responsibility. 

Connie I'm with you....I hear Michael pushing me all the time.  I also hear him telling me I can do it.  I know if anyone is holding me up it is him. 

I'm just sooooo exhausted, physically and mentally. 

Comment by Michelle W on January 14, 2014 at 9:21pm

Connie, every story I hear of another child passing..I just think well at least my son will be right there to help them find there way around and to help comfort them cause that's what he would do...after the funeral we had family and my sons friends over and I always think of this one girl... She was in my living room so sad looking out of place and I asked my daughter and my sons friends who she was and no one knew her..eventually she came over to me and said "I'm not very popular but Billy helped in in school for the last couple years tutoring me so I could pass my classes, but not just that he was the only person in school who treated me with respect...like I was special" and I will miss him so much...it just broke my heart more to hear this girl speak..we of course welcome her to come by anytime she wanted to visit...so I'm sure Connie, if there is any higher power the have brought our children together so they may find some joy....I'm so sorry about all you have been through it is hard when your child is ill...I had to overcome a stranger but scarey situation with my son when he was in second grade and a life long illness with my daughter...she has extreme asthma so she has always taken many medication daily and one that she is on her own, I worry because she hates to take the medications and even if she looses a inhaler she still calls me in a panic, and we have to her to get immediate medical attention...so It breaks my heart to see any child sick...they are so fragile...and as far as husbands and grief , I just gave up ..I don't tell him anything about me it just brings him down to below me or he will dismiss me with " well I'll just leave you alone" and he does so now I'm alone and sad... Forget that ..I will put on the fake happy face on ...we talk sometimes about my son when we are both in the same place mentally...but we do look at things differently....

Comment by Connie K on January 14, 2014 at 8:49pm

Michelle, I know it must be devastating for your daughter as well. That's another level of pain you have to deal with when you have other children who are left grieving and in need. What a sweet relationship you kids had together. I know it can be so hard just to comfort my husband sometimes because we are both are deep in grief and both deal with it differently. So I know it must be harder to do the same with your other children. I do understand that feeling in a way. Because Daniel had Crohn's disease and had problems with the treatment drugs and multiple hospitalizations, he suffered greatly. It was so hard to be his mom and to try and try but not be able to take the pain away.
I also had 2 miscarriages, one of which was very late and we named her Emily Rose and had a private little memorial and spread her ashes in the mountains above our house. And I spent all my life since that (16 years ago) mourning her, and also the fact that Daniel would be an only child. I spent a lot of time being so sad and trying to deal with that grief, I sometimes wasn't emotionally there for Daniel and I regret that - but didn't have much support in dealing with it.  (You know - it was meant to be, they'd all say) One thing I do feel that gives me a sense of peace is that he's not an only child anymore - I believe he is with his sisters now.

Comment by Michelle W on January 14, 2014 at 4:51pm

Connie.
Thank you, I agree I try not to think of the things that Billy did not get the chance to experience it just kills me.. I always remember the glory days it just makes me smile... I have a hard time letting go as I know some people have this so I do live in the past , but I told myself that this year I would try to self help myself for my daughter.. She just doesn't enjoy me as much any more and I do miss her, him everything that made her smile..so I just want to learn from my peers and be the best me . I know it has to be so hard for you being your only son... But just so you know it is so hard with my daughter to try to go on it kills me to see her hurt... I just can't make it better.. My children where so close a year apart even being the cooler older sister my daughter every Sunday would go get bagels for breakfast... She would sneak lunch up to billy and his friends through the schools fences so they could have subway or burritos .. Unconditional love.. So thank you for understanding... I'm just different now..

Comment by Connie K on January 14, 2014 at 3:48pm

Michele - love hearing your messages. It is so hard to go back to those "glory days" when the world seemed so full of wonderful things for their future. Sometimes I wonder if we did all those things with and for our kids because it was part of THEIR path - to experience alot in a short time. Honestly my son was game to do anything, and did things I never have or will ever have the guts to. Since he was an only child we were able to spend a lot of attention and were able to offer him some great experiences. Thank God for that. For instance, I am SO glad I let him drive  alot after he finally was able to get his permit his last summer. Because I love to drive and I knew he would too. Yes on the freeways of LA I let him drive and it was hair raising but at the same time, I knew it was thrilling for him and gave him a lift in his self esteem. I'm glad I wasn't too overprotective to make him wait. We spent so much time on the road to various doctors that it just seemed like the perfect opportunity to let him get experience. 

I hear my son saying the same thing - you can do it -I will help you be strong. We will never lose our pride in our children, our love between or our child's spirit. Just wish we could have them all back. love to everyone

Comment by Michelle W on January 14, 2014 at 2:36pm

Hey all, isn't it funny how the silliest thing can't bring you down for a couple days... First my husband asked to go through this little box he found on the family room shed while he dusted the top shelf so I was excited to see what I may have miss placed ,,, I dump out the little box and boom it had all these silly pins he had collected over the years including the pin we had of or son in first grade when he was in tball .. All I could think of is all that happiness and hope he had... And for what? Then my daughter stop at the house to pick up a jacket we had of hers and we thought we found her retainer .. Yeah that will save us a couple hundred dollars.. Then later that night I get a text. .. Ewwe it's not mine.. Which of course means it was my sons.. Then the topper,, the Olympic commercial you know which one the proud mom one I was such a proud mom.. I just cried and cried,, I will never feel that special pride of my son being that perfect excelling young man doing it all . I went to every football basketball game every concert he was in violyn, guitar,, drums or even going to the honor society gatherings.. Now I feel like a balloon that has lost all it's air.,, I just keep herring his voice in my ear tell me all the things I can do because he was my strength, I love hearing all you story's and thoughts it brings me comfort ..hugs to all

Comment by Vasanthi S on January 14, 2014 at 1:31pm

Connie.. i am with you, sending you love and prayers to make your days peaceful. hugssss

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