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Comment by Vasanthi S on January 27, 2014 at 7:08pm

Connie.. wishing you peace and happiness always.. Ben.. love u.. happy birthday..lighting a candle for you both... want it to be symbolic of light in life always.. wish you happiness my dear friend and Ben hugsssss... I KNOW you are happy.

Comment by Connie K on January 27, 2014 at 5:05pm

Thinking of you and Ben today Ann. You echo my feelings. Thank God we had these beautiful angels in our life. Today is my birthday too so I will have an extra piece of cake for Ben and light a candle for him also.

love to everyone

Comment by Teresa D. on January 27, 2014 at 3:38pm

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEN!!!!!!

Comment by anne on January 27, 2014 at 2:19pm

Today my Ben would've been 31. There are no words or actions to explain how I feel today. I feel Gods presence today. I'm not sure what to do so I think I'll just go with the flow today. I miss him so very much, but I also know that one day we all will be reunited, and for that I celebrate! Happy Birthday my sweet son! I know birthdays are a human thing, but I can't help but to think that my boys are celebrating life today too! Thanks be to God for the gift of Ben! I know my life is blessed because of Ben, and Lil Del. I accept the pain of losing him because the love we shared was worth it, and far out weighs never having him at all. Peace and Love to all today, and every day! 

Comment by Connie K on January 26, 2014 at 2:28pm

Teresa - 17?! Wow that's great. Your dad always knew he didn't have to go to church to be with God and I love that he is watching over you and bringing your family back together.

Laurie, sorry to have to welcome you here. Hugs to everyone today.

Comment by Teresa D. on January 26, 2014 at 10:33am

Connie, I enjoyed your rambling.

I think it's only natural for us to question our faith?

I questioned after I tried to negotiate with God.  I don't think God is mad at us.  I think he knows better than us the process we have to go through. 

My dad was the youngest of 17 but some how turned out to be the rock for everyone.  My dad was not a religious man by no means.  He sent us kids to catholic school and made us go to church every Sunday, outside of weddings and funerals my dad never stepped foot in a church.  Yet when as he was passing I heard him say the Our Father, I knew at that very moment God was taking him home. One thing I know was important to my dad was "family".  As you can imagine I have more cousins then most.  Growing up we were all very close then as the years went on we all went in different directions not seeing each other as much.  After my dad passed my family came back together tighter then it's ever been.  We are back to having more family parties then I can keep up with.  I strongly believe this was the first bit of business my dad did when he got to heaven. He pulled us all back together.  

I always try to see the good in everything. OK I admit I'm struggling with finding the good in this one, but I also think eventually it will come to me.

I have had experiences that I know God stayed by me so I have to trust he is by me now. 

Comment by Connie K on January 25, 2014 at 1:06pm

Sometimes I just am not sure if I should say anything because I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride and may not make any sense at all. But Dolly what I have learned through this crushing experience is that fear blocks me from trusting my faith. And then the fear consumed me. Daniel wasn't disabled to the extent Brandon was, but he was certainly disabled to an extent with his Crohn's and subsequent problems from it . The last 3 years of his life were so hard - scary and full of suffering for him physically, psychologically, emotionally. He was in constant pain - then became dependent on the pain killers which spiraled into another problem which almost killed him. I was so scared I didn't know what to do. Now i see that I was just too afraid to do what I should have. My faith was gone - I couldn't understand why all these bad things kept happening to our family. I too turned to self medicating by having a few drinks at night to feel a little better after the stress of the day. Which was such a defeat for me because my father was an alcoholic so I began feeling weaker and weaker and more and more fearful. Instead of setting a strong hopeful example, I was just sort of trying to keep everyone's head above water.  During that awful time, it became so hard for him that he felt no one could help him and no one understood.When he would cry out in agony "Where's your God now, mom?", I got to the point where I didn't even know what to say. I didn't know where he was.

Finally, we found out that the pain meds can create MORE PAIN because your brain remaps and sensitizes receptors that are normally dormant in your body.  So it becomes a Central Nervous System disorder that can't be seen through normal GI tests - so doctors would say it was psychological. Until we found an amazing doc at UCLA that finally explained what was happening and helped him!!! He validated all of the pain Daniel was experiencing and lo and behold got him off pain killers and on a healing track. THEN, I lose him in a stupid stupid car accident that shouldn't have happened.

Faith is a 2 way street I've learned. Only when I lost him did I realize I had been hiding from the truth I've always known. You have it too Dolly. Your soul radiates love for everyone - just from the way you show it to everyone here, I know that. That fact is , it is just human experience like Ann said. Everything that is born, must die. It's not fair that our children went before us. (and we are supposed to learn from it I'm told...)

It's hard to function at all, I know. But I have to keep believing that Spirit will guide me to what I should have been doing all along. And Daniel will be there with me - I have to believe that. My fear didn't stop anything from happening but it did keep me from drawing on my own spiritual strength. I think Daniel's spirit was stronger and had learned his lessons here. Maybe he came to teach me - I don't know. I just know that I have found my faith again because of this truth. My son's spirit is real and blessed and alive so there must be a God. And it's up to us to seek that out with an open heart. It's SO hard and there are times of course that I say (like you said Teresa) that maybe I'm imagining it all - because I hear him talking to me all the time - But it's more than that  - I feel him - I feel Spirit - so I have to try to believe in order to live the rest of my life. Through intense pain and joy (if I find it again) life and death, through every season, it is always there.

And Dolly you are someone whose heart is full of love - trust that love inside of you because I believe that is God.

Sorry for rambling - thanks to all of you hear for your support in  listening...love to each and every one of you trying to walk this rocky road.

Comment by Teresa D. on January 25, 2014 at 8:27am

I don't feel as though God did this to me.  I believe the events that took place in Michael's last year here with me were to prepare me for what was coming, I just didn't know it.  I can sit here with no regrets, no bad memories and knowing some of Michael's last words to me were, "Don't you ever get it wrong, your number one, you've always been number one and you will always be number one." 

I believe God and Michael are holding me up.  I know there is a heaven and Michael is in it.  Even if it isn't so, at least I have something to believe in. 

Michael would never leave me, he loves me way too much.  I will never leave him because I love him way to much.  I know Michael is near me.  He holds my hand when I cry, he listens when I pray and he stands beside me each and every day.  I will be ok because he will make sure of it. 

Everyday I would ask Michael what am I suppose to do now?  I know he gave me the strength to do the tournament. It was him pushing me to do it.  The day of the tournament when I noticed the kid who was just like Michael and then it turned out his name was Michael I knew I had done the right thing. 

Hugs to everyone today.

Comment by anne on January 24, 2014 at 7:08pm

Dolly don't give up. I know these feelings, and they will come, and go, but I also know that they will get farther, and farther apart. Your heart, and mind just need a rest. I like to put in one of my favorite movies and try really hard to not think of anything or feel anything. The more I did it the better I got at it. Sometimes your brain and heart just need to think about or feel nothing, even if only for a few minutes. Sometimes I can shut down my brain and my heart through a whole movie. It has really helped me deal with too much stimulus. Peace to you! 

Comment by anne on January 24, 2014 at 6:57pm

I would just like to say from my own experience, I couldn't feel my lil Del near me for a very long time. I believe it was because there was so much interference by others. Unasked for, not wanted, definitely not needed, and totally ruining my family interference, and from many people. Anyway I didn't feel him near till Ben died. You see because of all of the terrible interference, it took me a very long time, long time to even begin to be able to think straight enough let alone feel anything but pain, and fear. Actually if I were to sit down with all of you, and tell you about the 9 years that followed after Lil Del was killed in that damn car, you probably would not believe me. Sometimes I can't believe it myself. Everything that was done to me by the medical, physchiatric, and church facilities was wrong. I think what the pastor at our old church did, did the most harm to me and my children, but that's another story. 9 years went by and 19 months of Ben bomb hunting on the front lines in Iraq. I never had time to take care of myself or allow myself the time to grieve because in between being ill, and getting locked up everytime I needed surgery, I was fighting to save what was left of my family. I knew it wasn't going to be easy to put the pieces of our lives back together, but there was no stopping me. Through all of this I thought it was all a punishment from God. I believed I deserved all of it. I was wrong. It wasn't a punishment from God. It was life. It was a human thing. Of course I blamed God. I blamed him a lot. Every once in a while I still catch myself giving God the business for one thing or another! God did not do this to me, and I don't believe for a moment that God does this to anyone. I didn't know it then, but He was at my side through it all holding me up. Right before Ben died I started to feel Lil Del around me. My heart started to feel his smile again. When Ben died I promised him that I would never let anyone get between me and our family again. I was pretty busy with my daughter after Ben died because she was in the ICU after the accident for a month. The hospital is 160mi away from our home so I stayed in the town during this time so my husband could stay at the farm and keep things going. 3 months later when we brought our daughter home from the hospital I decided it was time for me to allow myself the time to grieve, and grieve my way. That was 6 years ago, and to this day I allow myself the time I need, however long that is. I also can feel both boys near me now. When I'm sad I feel their hugs. When I'm happy I feel their smiles. I believe God does that for me. I believe with all of my heart that God gave me the gift of those feelings. I believe He gave it to me when my heart was ready, and my soul was accepting. I just started figuring out some of these things in the last couple of years. I think there is a difference between being ready to receive something good and not being ready. I see it now, but I didn't see it before because I couldn't. I wasn't ready. Does that make any sense? My point is that I believe that when you grieve in your own way and at your own speed, your heart, and soul become ready to receive some good sooner. I do believe that God does this for all of us whether we see or feel it, or not.

Teresa, that is a beautiful poem, thanks! I'm counting on being all together again one day!

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