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Comment by Teresa D. on January 28, 2014 at 9:59pm

Laurie, for me it's been 16 months.  I have good days and I have bad days.  I'm still crying daily, but the day I had to look into the face of another mom that it had just happened to was the day I realized I was moving in my grief.

I too look to those who are further down the road and some day I will learn to manage this.  Where am I in my grief?  I really have no idea but I know as bad as some days can be I am moving.  I want to think of Michael and look at his pictures with out breaking down.  I don't want to spend his birthday on the bathroom floor like I did last year.  Will I succeed?  Well.... I'll let you know because until February 14th comes I don't know but I can tell you I will be trying.  Because of this site and others sharing I know if I don't make it off the bathroom floor it's ok because I will survive and I will try again next year.

I feel like I'm now and only now really facing the reality of it.  I think for the first year just like Connie I was numb, raw, and somehow convinced myself (even though I knew it wasn't right) that I would wake up and everybody and everything would go back to what it was.  I now have to face that was not real.  This is real!  My Michael is gone! Facing the truth is hard. 

I feel emotionally drained, as if I'm aging quickly and as if the sadness will never go away.  Yet I pray everyday for it to get better.  Most have told me the same thing...the second year is no better than the first. I can only answer that after I get through it.

Comment by anne on January 28, 2014 at 8:12pm

Dear Connie,

I wish you could see me give you a standing ovation right now! Every thing you just said to Laurie is awesome! Helping eachother, that's what it's all about. Change the things you can, and you just did that for someone new here, and me! When I read these posts it reminds me that even in the face of darkness love still reaches out to someone else in need, and how unselfish an act that is! These are the times that give strength when feeling weak. Peace to all!

Comment by anne on January 28, 2014 at 8:02pm

Loved the poem Connie! When I read the part about the twinkling stars I thought about last night. When we got to the cemetery as I got out of the van I noticed how bright the stars were shining. It was below zero with a beautiful clear sky, and twinkling stars every where! I believe God did that for us. I could feel it in my heart! I only had a few tears because the beauty of the sky filled my heart with a peace that only God can give. May a beautiful twinkling sky come to all!

Comment by Connie K on January 28, 2014 at 7:25pm

Laurie - there are people on here who are in all stages of their grief I think. I am right with you - I lost my son Daniel, 17, in a car accident about 14 months ago. I appreciate so much what those who have been through it longer can offer - advice and support and not make us feel like we are going crazy. It just IS crazy what we have to endure. And I can only hope that I will be able to pay it forward someday. Folks at Compassionate Friends had told me last year that the 2nd year would be harder I thought "how can it get worse?" For me it is both better and worse. The shock is beginning to wear off and facing the reality makes me feel like it was just yesterday. But I have also been moved to find ways to celebrate my son and learn things about him and myself and grow spiritually. I am slowly beginning to think about my future in ways that would make my son proud. When for most of the year I didn't want a future...

Right now for me each day is still a challenge and today is one of those that I have fallen flat on my face again. But I know I can come here and find some understanding. It helps me greatly. Thanks to you and everyone for being here.

And Teresa it sounds like you have some pretty great friends. I cherish those few who can be with me in my grief and allow me to feel and express and share that love we have for our children. Nothing does my heart more good than to have someone else tell me a story about Daniel, how he touched them, how he stills touches them, how they love him too.

Comment by Teresa D. on January 28, 2014 at 2:06pm

Connie, that was a nice poem to receive. 

Connie and Anne you have both touched me with your words this week.

Laurie, don't ever think no one is paying attention. 

I have faith in God, but I also know priest, pastors and other clergy are simply people too.   

Dolly I don't want to jinx you but it seems like your health is doing a little better.

I'm feeling a little better this week then the past couple of months.  Still crying daily but it's ok. I'm allowed. 

I have 3 really great friends that have known me for many years.  Sometimes I sit there and just go on and on about Michael repeating the same stories over and over.  The other day I told one of them "I'm sorry I'm doing it again".  She said, "it's ok" and jumped into telling one herself. 

Comment by Lynn Williams on January 28, 2014 at 11:46am

I said a prayer for Ben yesterday on his birthday. thinking of you. Connie I just read the poem, it was so beautiful and hopeful. It is nice to be out of the cold in LA visiting a friend. Sometimes I feel very overwhelmed not being home in VT, but the sun and ocean are soothing. I don't think I'll fully accept she is still not just at her home in Montana for a very long time. Thinking of everyone here. 

 

Comment by Connie K on January 27, 2014 at 10:37pm

My friend sent this poem to me for my birthday. I thought it was beautiful and wanted to share it with you:

When you wonder the meaning of life and love Know that I am with you Close your eyes and feel me kissing you in the gentle breeze across your cheek When you begin to doubt that you shall never see me again Quiet your mind and hear me I am in the whisper of the heavens Speaking of your love. When you lose your identity when you question who you are, where you are going; Open your heart and see me. I am the twinkle in the stars, smiling down upon you. Lighting the path for your journey. When you awaken each morning, not remembering your dreams,but feeling content and serene, Know that I was with you, filling your night with thoughts of me. When you linger in the remnant pain, wholeness seeming so unfamiliar, think of me. Know that I am with you, touching you through the shared tears of a gentle friend easing the pain. As the sunrise illuminates the desert sky; as that breathtaking brilliance awakens your spirit, think of our time together-all to brief but ever brilliant. When you were certain of us together, when you were certain of your destiny, know that God created that moment in time just for us. I am with you always......

Comment by anne on January 27, 2014 at 8:50pm

Dear Dolly,

Ben did love pizza! His favorite on his birthday was cheesecake! He could eat a whole cheesecake! I hope all of our children in heaven are having their favorite things!

Comment by anne on January 27, 2014 at 8:48pm

Thanks to all for the words, and comfort. My husband and I went to the cemetery, sang Happy Birthday to Ben, went to local café for supper, and now I am home where it's warm, and I am happy to just be. Love and Peace to all!  Birthday hugs for all((()))!

Comment by Jane P on January 27, 2014 at 7:45pm

I miss my daughter so much.

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