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Comment by Connie K on January 30, 2014 at 12:34pm

Dolly Eva Cassidy is one of my very favorite singers ever. She has an amazing angel voice. She died in her early thirties of cancer. I sing several of her versions of songs. That version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow is just incredible. Another one I especially love is People GET Ready and Tall Trees of Georgia LOve to all yody

Comment by Teresa D. on January 30, 2014 at 11:41am

Dolly, The video with Christopher, I'm going to use that video in the classes I do.   

Comment by Jane P on January 30, 2014 at 11:35am

Anne

Thank you for your writings.

Very spiritual. Very comforting.

Comment by Davi Burford on January 30, 2014 at 10:28am

I have been quiet for a few days now just kinda watching everybody else.... I don't know what I am feeling now. I really want to move and just get away from everybody that knows the situation and start over, but I have always relied so heavily on family around me I don't know if we would make it. The weather here is Shreveport is horrible it was like 29 this morning with a high if 56 this afternoon. ugghhh I guess numb could be used to describe what I feel today 

Comment by Teresa D. on January 30, 2014 at 6:22am

I've been very lucky, while I have a friend or two with ignorant words and while my mother just can't deal with it at all, I have been surrounded by family and friends that have done nothing but support me.  Sometimes to the point I feel smoothered. 

Anne, you are so right, "love can not be severed, even by death"

I think sometimes people need to find someone to blame and I think sometimes we get mad at those around because we can.  Connie, it sounds like you needed that explosion to happen.

Triggers...sometimes I know what to avoid and other times I don't see it coming.  Laurie don't feel bad, I can't go anywhere near where Michael lived or I start to hyper-ventilate. I have friends and family in the area so I have to go around where he lived because as soon as I know I'm close by I can't breathe. 

Yesterday I went to the store and I decided to stop avoiding the Valentine's stuff.  I would get Michael a V-day card, a birthday card and little valentine gift and then his b-day gift.  I went to the cards and started reading them but started to cry as I read card after card.  Through the tears and feeling embarrassed as I tried to hide the tears I finally found a card, took it home, wrote a message to Michael and now I have it displayed so I can read it everyday.  I don't know what to do but I keep trying. 

My cousin's wife passed the other night, her battle with cancer ended.  My cousin lived with us when we were kids.  He was much older than us and I remember the day he brought her to our house to meet my mom and dad.  Because we were young and stupid our plan for when she came was to chase her away because in our young minds she was going to steal him away from us.  The moment she walked in the door us kids fell in love with her and by the end of the day we embarrassed him by begging him to marry her.  She was THE sweetest person anyone could ever meet.  This weekend I am going to gather every bit of strength I have and attend the funeral.  I am going to probably have to ask someone to stand beside me as I say good bye.  Right now I need to put myself aside and be there for Pete and Maryjoe.  They were there for me now it's time for me to give back.

Everyday I think of everyone, even the quite ones like Dick and Berna. Sometimes I even think silly thoughts like maybe our kids formed their own support group in heaven and they are up there talking about us.

Comment by anne on January 29, 2014 at 9:46pm

Connie I believe that too! Every little step we take each day to find just one good thing, no matter how small that gives us even just a half a smile is a bravery that only we know. I do that in the end we will all be together. God promised!

Teresa you are so true in what you said about the 2nd year really being the hardest. My second year didn't come after Del died till 3 years after his death because of all of the outside interference. When it did hit I think that was when I was in the most pain, confusion, and despair. It was also the time when I had to decide what road I would take next. The decision was very difficult because the first 3 years after his death was controlled completely by others who thought they knew best. So because I blamed myself for all of it I was scared to death to even make the decision. At that time, and for a long time after my daughters and I did not get along at all. It was hell. They blamed me for all of it, and I blamed myself for all of it. Then Ben died.  Then one day after her recovery I had a big fight with my oldest daughter. She had told a coworker of mine that she hated me, and that everything that's happened was my fault. Mind you I have been hearing this from myself as well as others for quite awhile, so when this gal told me all of these things I just lost it. I'm certainly not proud of what happened next. I confronted my daughter yelling, and screaming at her. I told her that I would go out in the street and blow my head off so she could blame me for everything for the rest of her life. I don't think I've ever shared that story, but I share it now because it also helps to remind me of just how tough some days can be. We did sit down after all of the trauma and apologized to each other. We talked for a very long time and came to a compromise so that I never have to loose my mind even for a second ever again. It happens. Lots of things happen you never thought you would have to go through, but hope is what keeps my pain, and sorrow at a level I can handle most days, and faith is what has stopped all of the craziness that the deaths of the boys brought. That's how I know that Love cannot be severed, even by death. Peace to all

Comment by Connie K on January 29, 2014 at 12:00pm

Hello everyone. Thanks Anne for your kind words - you in particular inspire us all I think. My heart breaks every time I think of what you've been through and so when I feel like dying, I remember that I am not alone and think of those who have endured more, like you. And I now understand that it really is what's it's all about - to give the love you have to others. Yesterday I was having such a hard day and was reading my little book of "Daily Thoughts and Prayers" by Swami Paramananda. And it was like it was written for me that day. I would like to share the thought for the day and the poem :

Thought:

"It makes us stronger, to endure."

Poem:

"Brave Heart, tired soul

Remain awake a while longer, a while longer

The hour of watching is almost over.

It will end,

And it's end will bring thee gladness and rest"

I believe we will be with our children again having finished our own journey here and having learned many lessons. What I have learned is to ignore my spirituality just brings me more misery. So I try to find something beautiful in the world each day and be grateful to experience it, even if for one fleeting moment.

I feel so much gratitude for all of you here, I can't even express it.

You all help me be brave. (((   )))

Comment by Michelle W on January 29, 2014 at 12:12am

Unexpected things that I call daily challenges.. I try not to go places that I know may cause a trigger or any pain.. And then boom .. So of course I don't go to walmart unless it late at night.. There are a lot of streets I avoid and a few resterants ..and you know if there is a movie with a car crash scene things that make me cry.. This seemed to work.. Well my husband and I deside to go target.. So I go up to the new Starbucks they added on to get us a coffee and boom the little girl who takes my order is the cute little girl my son took to prom.... This was his only girl he ever had a chance to date .. I ruined her day and of course that was a major trigger... What a long day,,,

Comment by Teresa D. on January 28, 2014 at 9:59pm

Laurie, for me it's been 16 months.  I have good days and I have bad days.  I'm still crying daily, but the day I had to look into the face of another mom that it had just happened to was the day I realized I was moving in my grief.

I too look to those who are further down the road and some day I will learn to manage this.  Where am I in my grief?  I really have no idea but I know as bad as some days can be I am moving.  I want to think of Michael and look at his pictures with out breaking down.  I don't want to spend his birthday on the bathroom floor like I did last year.  Will I succeed?  Well.... I'll let you know because until February 14th comes I don't know but I can tell you I will be trying.  Because of this site and others sharing I know if I don't make it off the bathroom floor it's ok because I will survive and I will try again next year.

I feel like I'm now and only now really facing the reality of it.  I think for the first year just like Connie I was numb, raw, and somehow convinced myself (even though I knew it wasn't right) that I would wake up and everybody and everything would go back to what it was.  I now have to face that was not real.  This is real!  My Michael is gone! Facing the truth is hard. 

I feel emotionally drained, as if I'm aging quickly and as if the sadness will never go away.  Yet I pray everyday for it to get better.  Most have told me the same thing...the second year is no better than the first. I can only answer that after I get through it.

Comment by anne on January 28, 2014 at 8:12pm

Dear Connie,

I wish you could see me give you a standing ovation right now! Every thing you just said to Laurie is awesome! Helping eachother, that's what it's all about. Change the things you can, and you just did that for someone new here, and me! When I read these posts it reminds me that even in the face of darkness love still reaches out to someone else in need, and how unselfish an act that is! These are the times that give strength when feeling weak. Peace to all!

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