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Comment by anne on February 2, 2014 at 3:45pm

Laurie I have asked all of those same questions a million times myself. I don't know any of the answers, but I do know God didn't do this to me, and I know if he could've helped all of us he would. I don't understand much of it, but I know what's in my heart, and I remember everything I have been through, and I do my best to learn a little something from all of it. You have a right to ask all of those questions. Some can be answered, and some cannot. However from my own experience those questions that are unfruitful or don't have a reason I can understand don't mean so much to me anymore. I almost drove myself nuts with questions that no one could answer. I have never been a very accepting kinda person. I always believed I could fix anything from the toilet to broken hearts. Then my child died. I couldn't fix a thing anymore. I couldn't even stop others from taking over our lives, and hurting us. I wanted answers, and I wanted them right now. I didn't get them. What I did get was a lot of pain, and heartache. I think we all go through that in this instance. When the questions, pain, and confusion begin to subside, and I believe they do, I started to figure out what was important, and what I couldn't do anything about. It was a slow hard process, but it did happen. The second time around was just as painful, but different because of what I learned the first time. There was no way anyone was going to tell me how, when, where, and why I will grieve. I know that strength came from God. I know this because I'm still here. Call me crazy but over the years I have learned much about my heart, and soul. Not because I wanted too, but because I believe it comes with the territory. Sometimes I still wish life hadn't of happened the way it did, but since it was out of my control

Comment by Teresa D. on February 2, 2014 at 9:06am

A prayer for Uncle Curtis.  HUGS

Dolly stop saying Brandon doesn't need you anymore.  That is not true.  You were his mom and will continue to be his mom. He has not left your side nor will he. 

You know I won't lie when Michael first left I thought of the ones who were out there doing risky things and thought why wasn't it them instead of my Michael.  Why my Michael who was a hard worker, loved his family and made a difference in other people's lives?  I don't feel as though God did this to him or me but I feel like he is the one holding me up through it. 

Tomorrow they are calling for more snow. I really hope not because snow or not I'll be heading to PA to go to Mary Jo's funeral.  Her and Peter stood by me and I'm determined to stand by them.

Laurie, that woman lives in her own hell.

Comment by Vasanthi S on February 2, 2014 at 6:50am

Dolly use Neem Oil to apply anywhere on the skin and neem tablets too if you get them here.. that takes care of anything to do with the skin and purifies the internal pollutants too..

Comment by anne on January 31, 2014 at 8:35pm

Oh ya Connie! Thank you so much for the link. I listened too it, and I thought it was absolutely beautiful! Eva Cassidy's voice is so heavenly. I must say it really touched me! It's been a rough week, so I needed that voice of inspiration.

I hear you Vasanthi, feeling a bit lost myself today. Funny how sometimes on the birthdays, and anniversaries, It can take days for it to smack me upside the head, instead of on the actual day. I never like to wish away a day, but I'm so glad this week is about over! Grieving can be so much work at times. That's why we get so tired. The first years are like having to build the pyramids. Heck I'm tired just thinking about it. Peace and Love to all, Goodnight

Comment by Vasanthi S on January 31, 2014 at 7:15pm

Anne, Davi, Connie, Teresa, Dolly... thinking of you all.. have been reading and just kind of lost that my son isnt here  and won't be here.. feel abandoned but take strength from you all..love to all here .

Comment by Connie K on January 31, 2014 at 5:13pm

I couldn't stop thinking about Eva Cassidy after you mentioned her evrsion of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" Dolly.  She's a singer's singer. What a divine voice. So I spent an hour yesterday listening to Eva - a beautiful and gifted soul who was taken too early. But oh how she shared her gifts with us.  Here's the Youtube link to her version of the song "People Get Ready" (you gotta hear this version Anne). I think this was recorded just one year before she passed from cancer...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8W9rPxxnP4

Comment by Davi Burford on January 30, 2014 at 8:16pm

Yes anne you are right as much as I think disappearing would be good I know in my heart this is where I need to be its just very hard everyday walking out the door since he was killed in front of our driveway..... thank you to all here I like having y'all to talk to. *hugs*

Comment by anne on January 30, 2014 at 7:57pm

Laurie, I lost my little boy in a car fire when he was 12. That was 15 years ago, and to this day every time I drive by where he died my heart takes a jump up to my throat. My oldest son was killed 6 years ago, and still to this day when I have to go by the spot where he died I usually shed a tear or two. I tried for a long time trying to avoid both places. I finally decided that I can go by the spots where they died, and I'm allowed to shed a tear or two, and if I have to slow down to wipe away the tears than so be it. It's one of the things no one can take from me.

Oh Connie, Rod Stewarts People get ready is my favorite song to sing. When I sing that song I swear I can feel the spirit move inside me. Just talking about it gives me goosebumps. I live every day with the hope of being on that train to Jordan! When I get my boys back in my arms I will rejoice, and praise The Lord with every fiber of my being! Thanks for reminding me of that song. It's been a very busy week for me starting off with Bens b-day, and is ending with me having to regain the organization at the day care with my new boss. :)

Also when I hear Judy Garland sing Somewhere Over the Rainbow my heart beats about out of my chest. That song saved me as a child. When my father would get the belt after me I would sing that song in my head and take myself over the rainbow so no matter how hard he hit me I didn't feel it. Music really does heal the soul. Peace and love to all!

Comment by anne on January 30, 2014 at 7:43pm

Dolly, There is someone there his title is God. Let him lift up some of your burden. He lifted up mine when I couldn't take it anymore. I am a child of God. I don't mean to offend anyone else's beliefs. I'm just sharing what I believe. I honestly feel I went to hell when my little boy was burned to death in that stupid car that day. I lost so much that day. The worst being my son, but also my family, my freedom, and my rights as a human being. I also lost my faith, and told God to take a hike. He waited for me. I don't ever being more angry with anyone or anything the way I was angry with God. When I finally was let go of by all of the people who were supposedly trying to help, I started to see, and feel things like I have never felt before. At first I didn't know what it was. Some of it actually scared me, because I didn't understand. Eight years or so after my Lil Del died I finally started to understand what was happening to me. It was God trying to help me. Even after all the terrible things I said to God, and kicking him out of my life, he waited for me. He didn't give me what I wanted which was to have my son back, but he did give me what I needed which is the courage, strength, and wisdom to put all of our lives back together, and I did it!  I am a very stubborn woman. I am a full blooded Italian woman, and when I'm angry it is not pretty at all! God waited for me. Now I feel like He gives me gifts. Small gifts here, and there, but not when I want them, but always when I need them. I don't know about anyone else who have to travel this sad long road, but for me until I got all of that anger out of my system, the pain, and the sadness got lesser too! It worked for me.

Comment by anne on January 30, 2014 at 7:26pm

Dear Davi,

Take it from me, you can run but you can't hide. The reason is because you will carry this with you. At least with those who already know, you don't have to start over with. I have found from my own experience when my first boy died that no matter how hard I tried to run, whether it be physically or mentally I couldn't hide from me. We are here for you. Peace to you

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