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Comment by Connie K on February 8, 2014 at 1:56pm

Sending love and prayers to everyone. I share all of these feelings you all speak of. The missing them just cuts like a knife.

Lynn SO sorry about your husband's accident. That must have been so scary for you. Glad he's okay. Wish I could come there and give you a big hug and keep you company! Hugs to all

Comment by Lynn Williams on February 8, 2014 at 10:24am

I too am having a difficult day with grief and have been crying on and off for two hours now. I still have a cough and cold and it is freezing outside.  It will be 6 months on the 17th since Kyra passed, and I feel so lonely.  My husband is okay but he was in a accident which just about totaled the truck.  We are down to one vehicle for another week and he took the my car this morning.  Its not like I was going to go out but not having the option to, is hard for me.  We live in a rural area and with the winter comes cabin fever. I am just feeling sorry for myself but some days I can hold up and others i am reduced to a puddle.  I guess this is one of them.  Teresa and  Adrianne thinking of you both.  I wish we could all meet and talk once a week.  The aloneness is the hardest for me but I need to be away from people so I can let all these emotions out. I talked to my other daughter two days ago on the phone.  She is 23 but lives over 2000 miles away.  I wish my kids stayed closer to Vermont.  You want them to be independent but when you get older you need to have them in your life more.  I know this is just my grief talking because if Kyra were still a phone call away I would be fine. Sorry for ranting I just needed someone who is going through this to listen, Love Lynn 

Comment by Teresa D. on February 8, 2014 at 8:18am

Your right because when Michael died a piece of me died.  All I do is think about him and what he "would" be doing.  I miss my conversations with him, his smile, his bear hugs and even his teasing.  I use to hate when he would lean his arm on my head and laugh about me being so short but now I'd give anything to have that arm on my head.  There's days I feel like I can't breathe.

I find myself hiding the grief.  Problem is the more I hold it in the sicker I feel.  

Ammy we were lucky, we got the rain while everyone north was hit with the snow. We're still cold over here but the rain washed away most of the snow. 

I made plans to spend Michael's birthday with my mom and a friend.  this is what I'm doing to try and keep myself off the bathroom floor.  I told them both I can't make any promises as to how I will be.  I'm already having anxiety.  My heart is just so broken.  I feel so hurt to the core.  

Ammy I'm with you I WANT MY SON! There is no life for me without him.  I just exist! 

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on February 7, 2014 at 11:49pm

Ammy
How difficult. Did you find out what's wrong with your arm? Our health takes a beating with the death of a child. I understand needing your son. I'm lost without mine. No one other than members of this crap club understand how much of a loss this is. We haven't just lost our son or daughter. We have lost a huge part of ourselves. And we have lost the ability to truly be present with other living family members.

Comment by Ammy on February 7, 2014 at 10:52am

Teresa, I feel like I'm almost always emotionally drained.  I feel like I have too much responsibility for everyone else.  I have to remove myself to seclusion for a day to recoup.  Maybe you need to do the same.

We got hit really hard with the storms, but blessed that we did not lose our power as so many others did.  Over 850,000.  We do have about 12 trees down though and there is no let up for this cold weather in the forecast.  Just more snow coming.  This surely does not help with mental/emotional health.

I woke this morning with a horrible pain in my left arm.  Could not move it for over an hour.  Normally I would just suck it up but I broke down and cried and once I start to cry then everything hits full force.  I want my son.  I need him.  

Take care of yourself.  All of you.  Blessings & peace.

Comment by Teresa D. on February 7, 2014 at 6:02am

I am so emotionally drained. 

Right now everyone is coming at me with their problems.  I'd just wish they would realize I'm the one who needs "me" right now.   

Comment by Michelle W on February 4, 2014 at 9:47am

Adrianne,
I know how you feel,my son really wanted to go to that stupid play off game and he knew I would tell him to ask his dad.. I would never let him drive so far.. I was alittle over protective that way..when his dad said yes he practically ran out of the house so no one could change there minds .. I remember telling him I would get him a coat , it would be much colder there.. He rolled his eyes kissed my cheek and ran out the door ..he was the love of my life my pillar...as I drove my husband to work twenty minutes later he started talking about how we should have not let him go.. There would be an accident .. I worried all night texting my son like crazy,, feeling crazy to keep bothering him.. My last message was as they were on there way back.. Checking in again .. I asked is it over yet.. His response.. We won.. I knew he was bothered by my bugging him and knew they would be home soon the car accident happened 2 minutes after that...I was worried all night then felt that relief he was on his way home then ten minutes later I got a call..it plays in my head like how could you let your guard down...boy.. I sure miss him..

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on February 4, 2014 at 2:15am

Thank you for your responses. I kept hearing "pay attention". I used to be pretty intuitive. I heard it over and over. A nagging "pay attention", "you have not paid attention in the past when you knew you should". I even at one point spoke out loud and said I would pay attention. I didn't. Not til after did it all make sense The last day I saw my son he looked beautiful. I must have told home a dozen times how handsome he was. He really wasn't happy with me. He was supposed to have come to our house for the weekend and I changed those plans. I took him grocery shopping and I dropped him off. I sat in his driveway longer then I usually did. He looked up at me and made a gesture like what's going on. I drove away. The first thought in my head while doing so was that he was the love of my life.

Comment by Teresa D. on February 3, 2014 at 7:48pm

Anne & Ammy I agree.

I can't let go of my faith, for me to do that is to say Michael's not in heaven and I won't even entertain that thought.

Adrianne, I didn't have any clue what was coming my way.  If anything for some reason, even though we talked all the time, I felt like the mom of the year after my conversation with Michael.  Not knowing he was laying on his apartment floor all weekend I went to work Monday telling the girls how much my son loved me. My world was crushed.

I try to focus on I had that phone call. I spoke to him right before he left.  I can't torture myself on could I have known because if I could have I obviously would have made the outcome different, but as Anne said, you can't focus on what you didn't have control of.

For my friends on the East Coast....stay warm!

Comment by Ammy on February 3, 2014 at 4:16pm

Anne, I have to agree with you.  After all the questioning I realized the same thing.  It's all in God's hands and we can not know His mind, but one day I'm sure He will let us know why we all had to go through this, or maybe by then it won't matter why.  

Peace & love to you and everyone here.

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