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Comment by Teresa D. on February 8, 2014 at 8:18am

Your right because when Michael died a piece of me died.  All I do is think about him and what he "would" be doing.  I miss my conversations with him, his smile, his bear hugs and even his teasing.  I use to hate when he would lean his arm on my head and laugh about me being so short but now I'd give anything to have that arm on my head.  There's days I feel like I can't breathe.

I find myself hiding the grief.  Problem is the more I hold it in the sicker I feel.  

Ammy we were lucky, we got the rain while everyone north was hit with the snow. We're still cold over here but the rain washed away most of the snow. 

I made plans to spend Michael's birthday with my mom and a friend.  this is what I'm doing to try and keep myself off the bathroom floor.  I told them both I can't make any promises as to how I will be.  I'm already having anxiety.  My heart is just so broken.  I feel so hurt to the core.  

Ammy I'm with you I WANT MY SON! There is no life for me without him.  I just exist! 

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on February 7, 2014 at 11:49pm

Ammy
How difficult. Did you find out what's wrong with your arm? Our health takes a beating with the death of a child. I understand needing your son. I'm lost without mine. No one other than members of this crap club understand how much of a loss this is. We haven't just lost our son or daughter. We have lost a huge part of ourselves. And we have lost the ability to truly be present with other living family members.

Comment by Ammy on February 7, 2014 at 10:52am

Teresa, I feel like I'm almost always emotionally drained.  I feel like I have too much responsibility for everyone else.  I have to remove myself to seclusion for a day to recoup.  Maybe you need to do the same.

We got hit really hard with the storms, but blessed that we did not lose our power as so many others did.  Over 850,000.  We do have about 12 trees down though and there is no let up for this cold weather in the forecast.  Just more snow coming.  This surely does not help with mental/emotional health.

I woke this morning with a horrible pain in my left arm.  Could not move it for over an hour.  Normally I would just suck it up but I broke down and cried and once I start to cry then everything hits full force.  I want my son.  I need him.  

Take care of yourself.  All of you.  Blessings & peace.

Comment by Teresa D. on February 7, 2014 at 6:02am

I am so emotionally drained. 

Right now everyone is coming at me with their problems.  I'd just wish they would realize I'm the one who needs "me" right now.   

Comment by Michelle W on February 4, 2014 at 9:47am

Adrianne,
I know how you feel,my son really wanted to go to that stupid play off game and he knew I would tell him to ask his dad.. I would never let him drive so far.. I was alittle over protective that way..when his dad said yes he practically ran out of the house so no one could change there minds .. I remember telling him I would get him a coat , it would be much colder there.. He rolled his eyes kissed my cheek and ran out the door ..he was the love of my life my pillar...as I drove my husband to work twenty minutes later he started talking about how we should have not let him go.. There would be an accident .. I worried all night texting my son like crazy,, feeling crazy to keep bothering him.. My last message was as they were on there way back.. Checking in again .. I asked is it over yet.. His response.. We won.. I knew he was bothered by my bugging him and knew they would be home soon the car accident happened 2 minutes after that...I was worried all night then felt that relief he was on his way home then ten minutes later I got a call..it plays in my head like how could you let your guard down...boy.. I sure miss him..

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on February 4, 2014 at 2:15am

Thank you for your responses. I kept hearing "pay attention". I used to be pretty intuitive. I heard it over and over. A nagging "pay attention", "you have not paid attention in the past when you knew you should". I even at one point spoke out loud and said I would pay attention. I didn't. Not til after did it all make sense The last day I saw my son he looked beautiful. I must have told home a dozen times how handsome he was. He really wasn't happy with me. He was supposed to have come to our house for the weekend and I changed those plans. I took him grocery shopping and I dropped him off. I sat in his driveway longer then I usually did. He looked up at me and made a gesture like what's going on. I drove away. The first thought in my head while doing so was that he was the love of my life.

Comment by Teresa D. on February 3, 2014 at 7:48pm

Anne & Ammy I agree.

I can't let go of my faith, for me to do that is to say Michael's not in heaven and I won't even entertain that thought.

Adrianne, I didn't have any clue what was coming my way.  If anything for some reason, even though we talked all the time, I felt like the mom of the year after my conversation with Michael.  Not knowing he was laying on his apartment floor all weekend I went to work Monday telling the girls how much my son loved me. My world was crushed.

I try to focus on I had that phone call. I spoke to him right before he left.  I can't torture myself on could I have known because if I could have I obviously would have made the outcome different, but as Anne said, you can't focus on what you didn't have control of.

For my friends on the East Coast....stay warm!

Comment by Ammy on February 3, 2014 at 4:16pm

Anne, I have to agree with you.  After all the questioning I realized the same thing.  It's all in God's hands and we can not know His mind, but one day I'm sure He will let us know why we all had to go through this, or maybe by then it won't matter why.  

Peace & love to you and everyone here.

Comment by anne on February 3, 2014 at 1:32pm

There was nothing any of you could've done to stop what's happened to your children. Everyone has a premonition or two on occasion. The thing is that if you live with that kind of fear or regret your not living much at all. No one has the power to predict the future except God, and even He can't change what's already happened. Life can't be lived on intuition and premonition. Sometimes you might be right, and sometimes your wrong. We would all like to think we had that kind of power, but we don't. When my Ben was deployed to Iraq I had all of those feelings. I about drove myself nuts worrying that he would die over there. Then I saw an episode of The Waltons. The mother had a miscarriage. She was sad, and fearful. She thought that it was her fault it happened. She thought that maybe if she had done things different or maybe saw it coming she could've done something about it. Then Grandpa Walton said to her, "You must hold yourself pretty high up that you think you have that kind of power to make things happen or not" It got me thinking about myself. I am but a simple human. I cannot predict the future. I do not have the power to turn around things I have no control over. Only God can do that, and he has his reasons why he either does or doesn't step in. When Ben came home from the war I thought I was in the clear. After all the worry, and all of the waiting for the other shoe to drop, I thought I was in the clear. One year later Ben was gone at the hands of a careless driver. Proof that I had no control over who lives and who doesn't. I don't live with that fear anymore. That fear almost killed me. I still pay attention to my feelings about things. I still get those intuitions that come and go, but life can't be lived in fear. Intuition and premonition is a part of life, but they can mean many things, and they can be caused by many things. You can beat yourself up all over the place with the should've, could've would've, and none of it will change a thing. As life goes on one learns the difference between the things you can change, and the things you can't. I do my best to change the things I can, and I leave the things I can't change up to God. Peace and love to all today!

Comment by Connie K on February 3, 2014 at 12:27pm

I had a sense of doom for over a year, before my son's death even when things were getting better. I just couldn't shake it and did feel him slipping away in a way that's hard to explain.

Michele thanks for the Birthday wishes. Yesterday was my husband's and it is just so hard to celebrate.

Laurie - I think lost at sea is right. We definitely become different people than we were before. But I believe our children are with us to help get us through the vastness and bring us to little islands of rest and hope. But it's a long way to the mainland!

Wishing everyone some peace today. OX

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