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Comment by Dolly on August 2, 2016 at 7:23am

Comment by Dolly on August 2, 2016 at 6:46am

last Thursday we were up in the mountain house again and were playing music as usual when I got to thinking about Brandon and the 'dancing tree'... the one that always seemed to be swaying and twisting and dancing along with the music after Brandon died.. it was a little tree then.. now three years later its pretty big... I kind of jokingly said to Charlie...."I guess the dancing tree is too big to dance anymore" and RIGHT AT THAT VERY MOMENT the tree started to 'wave' at us.. and NOTHING ELSE was moving at all... even the birds were quiet... it was that kind of day.. HUSHED is the best way I can describe it... like everything was waiting for something... but that tree WAVED at us with its limbs swirling and dipping.. and just for a short time and then stopped... and as far as I remember didn't move again that day.. or at least not in that 'dancing' way it has of moving... and one more time I felt as if we were in the Presence of something Holy and Wonderful and that it was another reassurance of the truth of God and that we are NOT that removed from heaven itself if we can only open ourselves to the reality that we are already part of the heavenly family we are yearning to join one day... I know this may sound crazy to some people or somehow sound pretentious that God would bother to communicate with us.. but it happens... and has been happening to some extent all my life without me knowing or thinking about what it meant.. and since Brandon died there have been so many unexplained happenings ... which have kept me going.... they have slowed way down now... for whatever reason... maybe its me not looking anymore.. or me shutting them out to try to work my way forward.. but there's no 'forward' really.... just now and waiting .. for when we will .. WILL... be together again...

Comment by Dolly on August 2, 2016 at 6:36am

first ... you may have heard about all the flood and tornado damage to WV last month.. well the day it happened my husband and I were at the mountain house overnight and Bo was in town with his caregiver at our house there... up on the mountain we had a moderate thunderstorm but nothing unusual and we had no clue anything was happening on the other side of the mountain .. they were under a warning or watch or whatever for a tornado that was headed straight for the town where my son was with his worker.. and the phones and power were totally wiped out by a  horrendous thunderstorm that they told us was just constant lightning strikes and continuous thunder and sheets of rain pouring down like never seen before by this area... then for SOME REASON the tornado shifted course and touched down north of our town where Bo was.. about 20 miles north.. and that's where all the devastation occurred around here...there was more in other parts of the state too but where the tornado hit was worst I think... when we got home we were totally amazed to find all this out but we were totally overwhelmed with relief.. although the storm blew out several appliances there was no other damage.. and we could have come home totally unawares and found our house devastated and our son Bo gone too... we know somehow we were spared this .. this time... and we are so grateful.. sad and sorry for all those that lost everything just miles from here... and I'm with Jill... I don't know why God lets such horrible things happen to good hardworking and kind people... but He is my only hope of ever seeing my child again so I keep trying to trust Him again... some days I can and some days I can't seem to.. but I'm trying... anyway this was my first good news story... now for the other one.

Comment by Dolly on August 2, 2016 at 6:26am

We are trying to go back to the beach.. its been three years since Brandon died there.. as soon as we made a tentative reservation the panic attacks started to hit me like a tsunami.. now a week later I'm still having them off and on.. we may have to cancel but I'm trying hard to work this through because both Bo and my husband really want to go to the beach again..  we never know how much time any of us has.. I turned 73 and Bo turned 32 in July this year.. my  husband is still holding his own since his diagnosis ... he still takes a lot of medications that can cause some terrifying moments... but overall he looks the best I've seen him look in years so that's encouraging.. I miss all the 'visits' or 'signs' or whatever they are .. the things that happened SO frequently when Brandon first left us... now they are very few and very far between it seems... or maybe I am just shutting them out.. actually as I am writing this I suddenly DO smell LILIES again... like a sweet kiss from heaven.... now I will post this and then I'll tell you the one amazing thing that just happened.. actually two... I'll tell you in two posts..

Comment by Sharnice on August 1, 2016 at 8:05am

I am missing my daughter more than the words can express. even went to her grave yesterday cause my life is no longer the same without her. at the same time I appreciate this site it makes me realise that I am not the only one.  

Comment by Jill E on July 31, 2016 at 9:19pm

I am just so tried of this mask I wear. I constantly worry about my son Derek. He doesn't talk about Josh. I don't live close so I hate to bring it up when I am not there. Sometimes I hear sadness in his voice, maybe it isn't there but I "hear" it and I go into a tailspin. I worry about him incessantly. I call him all the time. I hover from Arizona. I think he worries about me too. He is so young to go through this. He constantly checks on me. He went through a scary Depression phase and I went and spent time with him. I was petrified about his well being. He got a puppy which has helped his loneliness. Derek has a Non-verbal learning disability which kind of fogs things up sometimes. He doesn't really like his job. After graduating from the University of Arizona and then working at a Call Center has made him feel like a failure. He loves San Antonio. I want him back here in Arizona. I am a mess. I don't know what to do anymore. Really should find a part time job for financial reasons but don't think I could handle it so it is just another thing to worry about.
Sorry about the rambling...grief makes your brain kind of short circuit. I am absolutely consumed with grief, pain, worry, depression...I hardly sleep at night. Have to have lights on and TV going. Quite lets my mind take over...

Comment by Connie K on July 31, 2016 at 8:29pm

I am having a very difficult time also. Jill _ I did the same thing a few days ago. My son's shoes still hang in the shoe organizer in his closet and we were having guests use his room really for the first time as a "guest room". I needed to make space and so I just took it down and put it under my bed. I took out his shoes and felt inside them, smelled inside them. Today I was screaming his name to the top of my lungs. Time has stood still. I can't find any way to move forward. To others it looks like I do, but inside I am dying....

Comment by Jesse's Mom on July 31, 2016 at 5:59pm

I have a hard time with the resting spot too. One thing I have learned to do, is prepare ahead of time any flowers I wish to leave. So when I arrive I can whisk in the new flowers and take out the old ones.

I bought a family funeral plot area, so all of my family members can be laid to rest there. My first child loss, an infant son, unfortunately, is in a different cemetery. Maybe one day, I will move him with us. 

What a crazy world I now live in. Everyday, just another day living the nightmare.

Comment by Lynn Williams on July 25, 2016 at 9:01am

This weekend my stepson as his family visited from NM it was so wonderful. I decided to go to the cemetery with everyone to see Kyra's grave. It was only my second time going. It hit me so hard I couldn't stop sobbing. Do others have a hard time with this? I can't bring myself to go to the grave.After my family left I felt so alone and lonely. I am better today,but realize my emotions are still so raw at times. It will be 3 years on August 17th that Kyra died. Love to all here

Comment by Jill E on July 23, 2016 at 10:58pm

I am a total wreck! Got the box of stuff from my b***ch of a daughter-in-law. Sent me over the edge. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to wrap myself in his clothes-I want to put them away somewhere safe. I see them I cry uncontrollably. Nothing makes sense. Have to keep it together for my other son. It would rip him apart and he lives to far away. It would just tear him up. I deserve an Academy Award for my performances like most of us. Oh and my "understanding" husband turned back into the "not getting it" on the verge of hurtful painful remarks. THIS SUCKS! I do have a new therapist that is having me read this book called The Grief Recovery Handbook. I have barely started for fear it will send me spiraling down. He says that now he will help me. WYWH my Joshie. Count down intil his birthday, then count down to 2nd anniversary of losing him. I hate that. It's hard to find something good to look forward to...there doesn't seem to be anything. I am looking...I am trying...please help us all...

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