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Comment by Connie K on February 16, 2014 at 7:29pm

Hi everyone. Thanks for tho poem Ammy. I think we all feel like that at some point. Thanks for everyone here. Today I just have no words but such gratitude for all of yours. Being able to connect and support each other is a lifeline. When I feel this sad, all I can do is try to remember and be grateful for who I still have and pray through the tears. Lynn - I will be thinking of you and Kyra tomorrow.

Dolly - beautiful pic - hope you are feeling better. (((  )))

Comment by anne on February 16, 2014 at 6:02pm

Dear Lynn, You will see Kyra again! I truly believe that we will all see our loved ones again! God has never made a promise he didn't keep! When I fall into the pit first I scream my head off, then I cry for a while, then I pray. I don't fall into the pit as often any more, and when I do it doesn't seem as bad as the time before. But when it happens after I'm done pitching a fit, I just talk to my boys. I don't care if they can hear me or not because it doesn't matter much anymore. Also I just keep reminding myself that God did not do this to me. It helps me climb out of the pit a little faster.

Teresa, big milestone for you! This whole thing sucks no matter how you look at it, but you faced one of the hardest days. Birthdays are always tough, and you have faced another. Michael must be smiling from heaven!

Dolly all the pictures you post of Brandon he is always smiling! His happy smile warms my heart!

Peace to all!

Comment by Lynn Williams on February 16, 2014 at 1:48pm

Dolly your picture of blue pansey's coming through the snow warms my heart Thank you.

Comment by Lynn Williams on February 16, 2014 at 1:47pm

Thank you Ammy for the beautiful poem. Teresa I am so happy your friends and family came through for you.  Today is a rough for me tomorrow it will be six months since Kyra died. I went to church this morning and then to visit a friend in the hospital. She has pneumonia and fell in her house while sick.  It felt good to help and cheer up someone else.  My husband will be home tonight and I am happy. Being alone through two wild snow storms has been unnerving. I have spent most of my time alone shoveling snow and hauling wood to feed the stove. I am so happy we did not lose electricity. Since getting home from town I have been crying and so lonely. I can't seem to cry in front of anyone so today it is all flowing out of me.  I wish I could talk to my other daughter about I am feeling but I know she doesn't want me to go there with her.  I know everyone grieves differently but to not get comfort from your family is so isolating.  I can't stop grieving about Kyra and our family's lost future. She will have no wedding or children but maybe that was my dream for her. This first year is unbearable but I am having periods of stability and not feeling guilt ridden. Reading about the afterlife, meditating, exercise, and church are giving me hope. What do all of you do when you fall back in the pit. I still can't completely grasp that I will not see her again and when those thoughts happen I fall completely apart. I will go out for a walk in the bright sunshine on the snow. Thank you all for being here and guiding each other through our sorrows. Peace and hugs to everyone  Love Lynn

 

Comment by Vasanthi S on February 16, 2014 at 12:51pm

Teresa, that was so nice of your friend..its just so painful that whatever one does on birthdays and other important days nothing really lifts the heavy achy feeling but I am so glad you could get some feelings of warmth. Dolly your pictures really brighten up my spirits , Thanks for all the trouble everyone takes to post and are their thoughts, it helps so much . Love you all. Ammy the poem expressed everything we all feel. Anne you are right, I think we all are a work in progress, but the process is so damn painful. Connie how are you doing? Has your arm healed?xoxoxoxo

Comment by Teresa D. on February 16, 2014 at 9:43am

Ammy, the poem says it all.  Thank you for sharing it.

Thank you for asking how I survived on Michael's birthday.  The snow changed my plans.  I spent the morning crying my eyes out no matter how hard I tried not to.  My sister's and friends were calling, texting and posting.  It broke my heart but warmed it at the same time. 

I also discovered I have a new good friend.  A former co-worker knew because of the snow I wasn't able to go to my mom's so she came over and suggested we go to lunch.  I knew she was doing it just to keep me distracted and from being alone.  I so appreciate her for doing that. 

I made it, it was painful, but I made it.  I made it because of the support that I receive here and from family and friends.  Adrianne I couldn't help but think of you...HUGS.

I just miss him so bad, just like all of you miss your child too.  My heart is bleeding, but I'm ok. 

Comment by anne on February 15, 2014 at 7:44pm

That is a beautiful prayer! I have read a few poems, writings, and prayers, but some leave me shaking my head. This one that Ammy posted was so truthful. Raw and honest. Thanks, I really liked it! It reminded me of the strength, and courage it takes to get back up time after time. I have never had such pain, and sadness in my life till my little boy died. Some days when things get rough I can hardly believe my family, and I made it through. Certainly not unscathed or  unchanged but none the less through most of the worst of it. I think it the deaths of my sons will always be something my family, and I will have to work on. It get's overwhelming because sometimes it feels like you get one thing straightened out, and something else comes up. I guess it's what they call a work in progress. Goodnight to all

Comment by Ammy on February 15, 2014 at 5:24pm

Thinking of you all as another day draws near to a close.
Another snowy day here for us.  Seems like it's never going to end.

Teresa, thanks for sharing your pics of Michael & you.  How did you do yesterday?    Were you able to get out or were you also snowed in?  I hope you didn't have to spend the day alone.

I found the prayer that Angie wrote.  I could so relate to the feelings she expressed in it.  Do you?

The Griever's Prayer

Dear God,

Please hear my prayer
my body is numb
and my mind is racing.
My heart is shattered
and my world upside down.
I am hopeless and scared.
So many memories but yet not enough.
The world keeps moving and I am frozen.
I feel connected to nothing and no one.
There are many around me,
but the one I desire is not here.
I feel cold, lost and purposeless.
I'm so tired but am unable to sleep.
Please hold me, hold me tight.
The color of my world is gone.
I cry out to you in despair.
Oh God! Why?
Please God I will try to rest,
close my eyes,
find courage to fight another day.
Find purpose in my life.
Find hope again.
Please hear my prayer...

Comment by anne on February 15, 2014 at 3:59pm

Dear Adrianne, we have a lot more than death in common. We have life, and out of all painful things also come the good. I have come to realize how much all of you have helped me deal with my own grief. Because of all of you past, present, and future, I have learned valuable knowledge that I use everyday to not only survive, but to heal what can be healed. Yes we do have the deaths of our children in common, and most of us probably wouldn't of even known the other existed without that common bond, but since we didn't get a choice in the death part its nice to know we have a choice as to how we deal with it, and helping each other on this journey is much better than treading this painful path alone. I have been walking this journey for a long time, and nobody wants to talk about it the way you all do here. Reading, and responding to all of you has been a gift I couldn't find anywhere else. This site has set me free, and taught me how to allow myself to let out the bad along with the good. I believe our pain is pretty much the same, but each of our journeys is different, and I have become a better person because of our common bonds, and our differences. Not to mention the healing that has taken place for me through all of you. I believe that God did not do this to any of us. However I also believe that we were brought together after the fact for a reason. To help each other. You are all very precious, and very brave for helping others especially when your hurting, and grieving yourself. Peace, and Love to all!

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on February 15, 2014 at 1:57am

Thank you for all the birthday wishes for Don. I really can't imagine getting through any of this without all of you. I'm just so sorry that this is what we have in common.
XO

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